“You don’t know that.” She doesn’t make the statement to argue, but more as a simple fact. “I’d feel better, anyway.”
“Then I guess that’s settled.”
She climbs atop my bed, crossing her legs to watch while I remove my cut, personal effects from my pockets, and chain from around my neck. I set everything in its place and stall.
I sleep naked. Sure as shit ain’t going to do that tonight, but will Kyra be offended if I forgo a T-shirt? How much nudity is too much nudity when you don’t want the other person to make assumptions about how far things can go?
Not that I don’t want that with Kyra. Fuck—it’s all I’ve wondered about for years.
More, I don’t want her to think that was my reason for making her stay the night.
“Everything okay?”
No. It’s a fucking mess.I glance her way.I’m a fucking mess.“Yeah. Be right back.”
I duck into the next room over—the bathroom—and turn the shower on, strip my shirt, and splash some of the water on my face. Take me back to the driveway when my peanut brain hadn’t thoroughly thought through the implications of this. Take me anywhere but a goddamn scenario where every outcome leads to disaster.
What if Kyra puts her hands on me and tries to start something during the night? What the fuck do I do then?
Stripped naked, I step under the spray and robotically wash the day’s sweat and grime off myself.
She doesn’t know about my issues. Fuck. Nobody does. I’ve kept the secret close to my goddamn heart for a reason—what the fuck would my brothers make of me if they knew I struggle to get a goddamn hard on?
I didn’t want to believe it when it started. Figured I was too drunk. Tried a couple more times with the bunnies, but I knew there were only so many instances where I could lie about being too tired or wasted to get it up before those gossiping bitches would talk between themselves. So I stopped fucking them. Stoptouching anyone. Gave up on physical connection completely and grew more and more bitter as time went by, watching my friends get the thing I could never have.
So, yeah, Mariana was partially correct. I am jealous. But not of Chaos’s relationship with Vanessa. I’m jealous that he gets to have that intimacy with a woman when I’m destined to be on my own.
I duck my head under the water and let the spray soak through my hair to run in rivulets past my face.
She wants kids someday. A family.
I’ve made peace with never getting that.
How long can I continue to ignore the obvious? We’re not right for each other. We’ll never fit.
Her father’s influence is a blessing in disguise, because at least I’ll have a believable excuse when I finally get the balls to stop being so selfish and let her go.
I smack the lever to shut the water off and let my head smack against the wall.What do I say?What would she do if she knew? Kyra’s not the kind of person to spread malicious rumors—although they’re not a rumor if they’re true—but would she be angry? Or look at me with pity?
I know which would be worse. I hate when people feel sorry for me.
I’m alive. I have friends. A place to live and shit to do every day. I’m more fortunate than a lot of people around these parts.
The towel scratches over my heat-seared skin as I dry myself. I opt to sleep in boxers only, bundling the rest of my clothes in my arms and drawing a deep breath before I head back to my room. I might be able to get away with it this time, but the minute I push our relationship into the physical, it won’t be long before she wants more, and the conversation is unavoidable.
Still, I want to hear her come at least once. I want to have that memory to keep when she’s gone, and I’m back to staring at myceiling late at night, wound up and horny but without the means to do anything about it.
I want to know she got that from me before I push her away, so she’s never left wondering if she wasn’t enough. If it was her fault.
Because she’ll always be enough. She always has been.
I’m just not man enough for what she needs.
TWENTY-EIGHT
KYRA
Something changedthe moment we walked inside the clubhouse. The affectionate version of Jinx I got at Vanessa's shrank back into himself, and he shut off, his movements stiff and overthought by the time we reached his room. My initial worry was that he didn't really want me here, but then, he was the one who suggested I stay the night, so that theory evaporated.
