‘There she is!’ Uncle Fergus bellowed, cheeks flushed beetroot-red. ‘Looking lovely as ever, Olivia.’ He got up from his seat and was upon me, grabbing me into a bear hug and planting a big wet kiss on my cheek that reeked of booze.
‘That’s enough, Fergus. Put the poor girl down, will you?’ my father-in-law said from the head of the table.
‘Hello, everyone.’ I smiled and blushed, putting on my bestI’m a nice girlact. ‘Good to see you.’
‘All ready for Christmas?’ asked Aunt Clem, giving me a quick once-over.
‘I don’t think we need to be ready, do we?’ I said, sliding into a vacant chair. ‘Jeannie always has everything planned with military precision.’ I had meant it as a joke, but it came out much more clipped than I had intended. So much for thenice girlact.
Luckily, the family were distracted enough by Miles and the kids entering, Martha pulling on the sleeve of hersweatshirtand looking more miffed than I’d ever seen her, and Callum with his nose in his games console. They found their seats in between Fergus and Clementine, who loathed each other’s company so thoroughly that they never sat together.
Grandma Toots sat surveying them over her glasses as they sat at the table. Not one for small talk, she cut right to it.
‘I hear you’re abandoning us for the land down under?’
‘Yes, Grandma,’ said Miles, ‘and we’re all very excited. It’s a great opportunity.’
‘Well, what about your writing, Olivia?’ Her fierce blue eyes were upon me. ‘Don’t you write those porn novels? Won’t your publisher mind?’
Martha choked on the water she’d been sipping.
I reached for a Yorkshire pudding. ‘I can write my novels in Australia. Really, it’s the perfect place for writing,’ I said sweetly. ‘I can just talk to my editor over Zoom. It won’t be much different to now really, except I think getting outside more and being more active will give me a better quality of life.’ Was this conversation heading south already? Probably.
‘It’s not porn, Grandma,’ said Miles gently, ‘it’s Romantasy.’
‘I’m just going on what our Jeannie told me.’ Her lips quivered with mischief as she cut into her beef.
I felt Miles squeeze my hand under the table in solidarity.
‘What’s Romantasy?’ asked Clem. ‘I’ve never heard of it.’
‘It’s Fantasy with Romance,’ Martha offered.
Toots huffed a sharp laugh. ‘What, like… silly made-up creatures falling in love?’
‘Yes!’ boomed Fergus, ‘but it’s much better than that! It’s big muscly men with pointy ears absolutely smashing the brains out of gorgeous young women with huge breasticles and tiny waists.’ He guffawed, throwing his head back and letting us see everything he’d just chewed. Martha looked profoundly disturbed whilst Callum gave him a withering look. Fergus just looked straight at me and winked. ‘The latest book was my favourite yet.’ I glanced at Aunt Clem just in time to see the death stare she was levelling at her husband.
Jeannie entered, her back ramrod-straight and her lips pursed at hearing our topic of conversation.
‘Talking of muscly men and gorgeous young women,’ Fergus said, turning to Callum, ‘bet you’ll be going to those nude beaches in Oz, won’t you, lad? Getting a right eyeful! I know I would.’ He nudged Callum so hard with his elbow that his console fell out of his hands and clattered onto the floor.
‘That’s quite enough, Fergus,’ said George with a warning glance.
My knife scraped loudly as I cut into the meat Miles had served me.
‘Where’s Mimi, Tristan and the twins?’ I asked, saving Callum from any prolonged embarrassment as he scooped up his Switch and glared at Miles and me like it was our fault he’d dropped it.
‘They’ll be here this evening,’ Jeannie chirped. ‘Tristan’s just bought the most sublime car, hasn’t he, George?’
‘Mm-hmm,’ George mumbled.
‘What’s it called again?’
‘Top-of-the-range Audi, isn’t it, George?’ Fergus asked.
I felt Miles growing tense at my side. Now it was my turn to give him a reassuring squeeze under the table.
‘He’s doing ever so well at his company,’ Jeannie said, turning to Clem. ‘He just got another promotion and an upgrade on his company car. Now George, you will remember to talk to Tristan before Artie gets here, won’t you?’
