The room spins as I walk up to Kendra. Her face falls when she sees the expression on mine. I don’t even care how I look right now. I swallow against the dryness in my throat before asking, “Have you seen Nick?”
She looks at Rita, who looks at me. “He…he left. Said he had to return his rental. You…you didn’t know?”
I swipe a hand over my face before storming back into the front yard. The world fades to black and white as I find a quiet place and allow myself to cry. I stay there until my nose becomes numb from the cold, and my fingers start to hurt.
I take another deep breath.
Another Christmas Eve…
I watch my trembling hands as the thoughts creep in. I should never have allowed myself to go there with him in the first place. What was I thinking? That I would have a holidayfling and it would turn into more? That he would want to be with me after I talked about my ex the whole time?
I shake my head, wipe my tears.
He never told me he wanted anything else. Neither did I. And I still had a good time, didn’t I? His not being here doesn’t change the way I felt on the trip, or how I feel about this town, these people. I’m grateful to him for being exactly what I needed. And now, I get to choose the version of myself that I can continue to become.
It stings to know I wanted so much more of him, and that he apparently didn’t feel the same way. I’ll still look back on these memories with him with all the fondness I felt before he left. I’ll still cherish every second that we got to spend together.
Maybe forever isn’t what we were meant to be.
Nick
I’m here too early. Sitting at the bar with four hours to burn before my flight. I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t say goodbye to her. I type her a message, delete what I type, and then type it again. I’m an asshole for what I did. I just can’t lose someone I love again.
Can’t be left behind again.
So, you do the leaving before you can be left?
I hear my therapist’s voice in my head as I flip the cocktail menu over.
I should just text her, call her…something.
I shrug my camera bag over my shoulder and walk out of the lounge. The giant screen with all the departing flights glows. This is a small airport, so I’m sure the three o’clock flight to JFK is the one she’ll be on. That gate is on the opposite side of the airport.
The possibility of her rejecting me, especially after leaving the way I did, hangs over my shoulder. Still, I start my trek. Try to make peace with whatever outcome awaits me.
If she says she never wants to see me again, at least I’ll know I deserve it.
I should have told her what I wanted. Should have told her that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, just like she told me. Should have written her a letter — something. The more I think about it, the more angry I become with myself.
When I arrive at the gate, I don’t see her in any of the nearby waiting areas. “Excuse me,” I ask one of the attendants.
“How can I help you, sir?” She asks.
“Is…is this the only flight to New York?” I confirm.
Her manicured fingers fly over the keyboard. “Yes…until seven this evening,” she says, her corporate smile not reaching her eyes.
I tap the counter before releasing a breath. “Thank you.”
My phone feels heavy in my hand with her contact information on the screen. I’m just about to call her when I hear a familiar voice. “Is that Nick?”
I turn to find Rita and Kendra sitting at the bar of an Italian restaurant. My heart races as I walk over to them. “You seen Krystal?” I ask.
They look at each other, then back at me. Rita eyes me up and down, disapproval stamped across her face when she turns her back. My shoulders fall. I sigh. “I know I fucked up,” I admit.
Kendra purses her lips, raises her eyebrow at me in a way that makes the blood drain from my face. “I’m trying to make it right,” I plead.
“Too late for that,” Rita mutters.
