Maybe: Tameka: He just wants to talk
Maybe: Tameka: Why are you being like this
Maybe: Tameka: I thought you wanted to get back together?
I scoff at the last one. I haven’t spoken to her in so long. For all she knows, I could already be in another relationship. My eyes bounce from the small piles of Nick’s belongings throughout the room. His shoes next to mine, his camera next to my lipstick, his jeans strewn over my ruined leggings.
I sigh, blocking her number and tossing my phone on the other side of the bed. He wasn’t able to pick up on my bad mood this morning, but then, maybe there wasn’t much to pick up on. Messages that would have sent me down a spiral just a few days ago sit inconsequentially in my inbox.
My heart races. I want to take all the credit for this sudden indifference towards my ex, but Nick played a huge role in getting me here. He’s teaching me that the punishment of solitude is not a requirement for healing.
I want to tell him that I want to keep whatever this is going on after the retreat ends. I’m not sure what that would look like for us, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for a serious relationship right now. I’m still getting to know who I am when I’m on my own, but I know I do not want to leave Nicholas alone.
I want his candid photo-ops, his almost-laughter, and his considerate eyes on me all the time. Memories of last night, tangled in bed and unable to keep our hands off each other flash across my mind. My body tingles from the ghost of his touch. I want that all the time too. Nick is such an easy lover.
The promise of the night unfurls in my core.
It’s fun to remember what that feels like.
Last night, he said I woke something up inside him. He’s awakened me in so many ways. More than that, too, he woke me up and peeled away layer after protective layer until I was completely unraveled under his fingertips. Even more surprisingly, I feel completely secure at his mercy. I believe him when he says he wants to make me remember who I am and what I deserve.
How weird is it that what I feel I deserve is him? Someone who knows what it’s like to have your heart shattered into amillion pieces, familiar with the pain of cutting yourself over and over on the shards while you put yourself back together.
He steps into the room, swaddled in the fog from his steamy shower. He smells like eucalyptus and mint, and his body is the physical manifestation of lust. His cheeky smile pulls one out of me as I step past him. My body vibrates with anticipation as I step under the hot water.
I’ve been caught up in the idea that he may not want what I want. My mind is so trained to expect the worst that I haven’t allowed myself to imagine what it would be like if we wanted the same thing. I always thought that if I ever allowed myself to fall in love again, it would be a painfully slow process. Yet, I see myself falling deeply, madly in love with him, and we have barely spent a week together.
Instead of the rush of anxiety that usually accompanies this line of thinking, I feel a surge of passion flood my body. Even if we end in a disaster, wouldn’t it have been worth it? To feel this way about someone else, about myself, for even a short while? And if my heart does break, I know I’ll survive. I survived before, and I was weaker then — less me than I am now. The sharp scent of the body wash shocks my system, and as I lather every inch of my body in its luxurious suds, I make up my mind.
Nicholas Saint is worth the risk.
Krystal
Ididn’t make the same mistake I did yesterday. Dressed in a cozy sweater dress, pleather leggings, and my UGGs — I’m a picture of comfort. Tonight, we’re watching Last Holiday at the Old Crescent Theater. Every corner of the place is vintage; it feels like there’s a tungsten veil pulled over my eyes when we walk through the door.
“Raiya!” Eden exclaims when she sees Gayle and Jiraiya.
I tug on Nick’s arm, pulling him down to my height so I can speak lowly. “That’s the author!” There’s only so much to do around the B&B when we’re not getting ready for an activity or hosting one ourselves. I appreciate slowing down while I’m here, but when I saw a copy of the book I got for Rae on one of the massive shelves, I decided to take a stab at reading for leisure. I was sucked in from the first sentence. I feel guilty having their copy of the book in my purse. I’ve been sneaking a few pages here and there with every minute of downtime I get.
“The librarian?” Nick confirms, amusement filling his gaze.
“Yes,” I sigh, releasing his arm. “I’m reading her book.”
“Hmm, you should tell her,” he responds.
My head wheels back like this is the most ludicrous suggestion I’ve ever heard. “No, that’s not a good idea.” I huff.I know she’s not a celebrity; she’s probably perfectly nice and down to earth, but the words I’ve read in this book don’t match this doe-eyed, curly-haired human doll I’m watching now.
He hums again, rocking back on his heels and moving up in the line to collect our popcorn. Then, he spins around, waving obnoxiously as he yells. “‘Scuse me!”
I pinch the bridge of my nose; my cheeks burn with humiliation as he waves them over. Jiraiya, Gayle, Eden, and another guy walk over with curious expressions, waiting for what comes next.
He swallows his laughter as I smile bashfully at each of them. “Krystal is reading your book,” he says, as even-toned as possible considering he’s on the brink of hysterics.
Eden clasps two pink-gloved hands together as she offers me an earnest smile. My heart thrums. “She’d like you to sign it,” Nick says.
My eyes turn to saucers as I look at him, then back to them.
“Actually,” I wince, “this is the bed and breakfast’s copy…and it’s already signed.”
