New York isn’t that far from DC.
I splash a bit of water against my face. I need to get comfortable with a reality where, in a week, Nick and I wish each other a Merry Christmas and for that to be the end of whatever we’ve started here.
Whathavewe started here?
Two grieving, broken individuals tangling themselves by the heart during a holiday that’s monumental to both of us. But if you asked me if I could walk up to him right now and tell him I don’t want to do this anymore, I would tell you to go all the way to hell and never come back.
Steam envelopes me as I massage the back of my neck. Even as my fingers caress my skin, the ghost of his grip seizes me. My mouth dries with want as the recent memory pulses at the forefront of my mind.
The knob in the shower squeaks as I turn it off, then I find my phone and dial Rae. Her rich voice trills through the speaker when she picks up. “On the fifth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me…hmmm…a Rolex and…a Patek Philippe.”
The smile that spreads across my face is involuntary. She’s so aggravating. I love her.
“Hello, Raegan,” I stifle my laughter.
“What’s up? Is my crazy Christmas bitch back yet?” She asks.
My smiling mouth betrays me by growing wider.
“I slept with him.”
“Withwho?”
“With Nick, the guy I told you about — the other —”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Her scream interrupts me before I can finish. I don’t even try to choke the laughter bubbling in my chest. “Can you try to be just a little bit serious? I want your advice.” I have a feeling that I know what her answer will be, but I want to hear her say it anyway.
“Okay?” She prompts.
A lump forms in my throat, my confession sits heavy on my tongue. “I like him, Rae. A lot. He’s funny and kind…thoughtful. I don’t know if this is a good idea,” I say.
“What exactly would be the problem?” She probes.
My chest burns. “I don’t know if I can take it if…if at the end of all this he rejects me,” I admit.
“Is there…an after this?” She asks, the sudden seriousness of her tone levels me. I push the bathroom door open and suck in a breath of cool air.
“I…I don’t know. I might be open to it if things continue to go the way they have been.”
While my heart races, she allows silence to stretch through the speaker. “What exactly are you asking me, Krys?”
The mattress gives under my weight when I plop into the bed. “I don’t know. I’m scared.”
She sighs. “I think you should stop worrying about what could be and just focus on what is. Right now, is he making you feel good? Is he helping you have a good time?”
I cover my face with my hands. “Yes.”
“Then justenjoythat. You haven’t enjoyed Christmas in years. Maybe at the end of it all you decide to leave whatever happened between you where you are right now. Maybe you’ll decide to keep in touch, maybe you’ll want more. That’s not yourjob to know right now. What I do know isyou’rethe one in control here. So, trust yourself. You’ll know what’s right for you when you’re in the moment.”
Her sage response isn’t quite what I expected. I’ve been worried about what he’ll want to do and completely neglected that it might be me, who doesn’t want anything more. The realization makes me feel…powerful.
“And if you do want more and he doesn’t, he’s just another nutty negro that doesn’t deserve you anyway,” she adds, pulling a smile to my face. “Okay?”
I laugh. “Okay.”
“Now,”she continues, “on to more important matters. How was it?”
