But I knew that wasn’t going to solve anything.
The cloud wouldn’t lift until that date had passed.
29
EMMA
Oliver and I did date, in the end. In fact we dated for more than a year, and he was funny and kind and handsome, and he made me feel special every single day without being cheesy or overpowering with it. He made me tea and toast every morning on the nights we stayed together, one slice with just butter, the other with peanut butter. He booked a surprise weekend away to Rome for my birthday because he knew I’d always wanted to go. He loved Flynn and often took him for days out, just him, Flynn and Annabelle so I could have a day to myself.
He was almost the perfect partner.
And then, Oliver dropped a bombshell.
‘I think we should move in together,’ he said.
I was painting my nails at the dressing table at the time and I froze, my hands stilling mid-air, my thumb still only half painted.
‘Emma? Did you hear what I just said?’
I turned slowly to face him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and he looked so handsome and excited and I knew I needed to say something, but my throat felt blocked. ‘I…’ I started, then cleared my throat. ‘I don’t know.’
His face fell and I felt like I’d just kicked a puppy. ‘Oh,’ he said, looking down at the floor. I moved to sit beside him and he tipped towards me as I sat, our shoulders touching. I pressed my fingers to his chin and gently turned his head until he was facing me.
‘You make me happy, Oliver,’ I said, softly. ‘I love being with you. I just don’t… I don’t know why we need to change anything.’
His eyes widened slightly as he opened his mouth to speak again. ‘I just… it’s been a year. The kids seem happy. We’re happy. I thought…’ He trailed off.
I didn’t know what to say. Of course he was right. We were happy, and moving in together would be the next logical step. And in any other circumstances – in any other life – I would have jumped at the chance.
But this wasn’t any other life.
The fact was, it was already almost February and I’d spent the last year with one eye on the calendar, counting down to 2026. Counting down to the date, twenty years previously, that Nick had died.
And no matter how I felt about Oliver, or anyone else, I couldn’t fully commit to anyone or anything until I found out whether I’d succeeded in making a difference. Whether I’d saved Nick. It simply wouldn’t be fair.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, before I could change my mind. ‘I think we should take a break.’
I waited while my words sank in, and then he pulled away as though he’d been slapped. ‘Sorry, what?’ he said. He looked as though he was expecting me to tell him I was only messing around, of course I didn’t mean it, of course we should move in together. And in that moment it would have been so easy to have backtracked and saved everything.
Except it wouldn’t be fair to lead him on, when a piece of my heart was still elsewhere. A clean break felt like the kindest thing to do.
Oliver, of course, didn’t agree. Why would he when I couldn’t tell him any of this? When he’d been thinking about us moving in together, and now here I was, telling him I wanted to end it instead.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, dropping my hands into my lap. ‘I just… I know it will be hard – for the kids as well as us. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I honestly think it’s for the best.’
He moved even further away from me, the look on his face one of pure confusion. I wanted to reach out and touch him, comfort him. I threaded my fingers together to stop me doing it.
‘I don’t get it,’ he said. ‘Everything’s been great.’
I looked down at the floor. ‘I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I told you that this was as difficult for me as it was for you, would you?’
He gave a laugh so bitter it didn’t sound like him at all. ‘And yet you’re doing it anyway.’ He stared at the rug in front of him, not looking me in the eye. I couldn’t blame him.
‘Have I done something wrong?’ he said. ‘We can slow things down, if that’s the problem.’
‘No, you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s not that. It’s… you’re…’ I searched for the right word to describe him. ‘Amazing. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me to be with someone. I think… I think me and Flynn will be better off just the two of us for a while.’
His eyes widened incredulously, and he turned to look at me. ‘Now I know you’re lying. Flynn loves having me around and you know he does.’ He stood, the air shifting around him. His face was in shadow. ‘I truly have no idea what’s going on here or why, but I’m going to leave now. If you change your mind, you know where I am.’
