‘I wouldn’t dare, darling,’ I said, glad I was going to be in the office today so I didn’t have to look at the chaos in the living room.
I’d gone back to work three days a week after my maternity leave. I wished I could be with Flynn every single day, but I needed to earn some money. For a while I’d planned on selling the house because the mortgage was too much on a part-time wage. But then something had happened that had changed my mind.
Flynn was just over a year old the first time.
We’d been in the bathroom, splashing around in the bubbles, and he was laughing like a hyena when he’d suddenly stopped dead and stared at the doorway, eyes round. I glanced over my shoulder but couldn’t see anything.
‘What is it sweetheart?’ I said, tickling him under the chin.
‘Man!’ he shouted, his gaze never leaving the empty doorway.
I stood, water splashing all over the floor, and poked my head round the doorway.
‘There’s no man there,’ I said, crouching back down beside him and running my hand over his bubbly head. ‘It’s all good.’
His gaze stayed fixed on the doorway for a few more seconds, then he looked back at me and smiled his gappy grin.
I didn’t think anything of it until a couple of weeks later when the same thing happened – only this time we were in Flynn’s bedroom. He was on my knee on the little chair beside his bed, curled up against my chest while I read him a story. He was almost asleep when his body had stiffened, suddenly alert, and he’d stared at the open doorway again.
‘Flynn, what’s the matter, darling?’ I said.
‘Dada,’ he said, the words as clear as day and my heart stopped beating.
Even though I knew there would be nobody there, I stood with Flynn in my arms and walked over to the doorway.
‘Who did you see, little man?’ I whispered.
‘Dada,’ he said again, and I thought my legs were going to give way right there and then. I stood still for a moment, trying to feel a presence, sure that if I wished for it enough, Nick would come to me. But after a few minutes I gave up and walked back over to the chair once more.
After that, it happened every few weeks. Sometimes Flynn would stop, stare at a point in the distance, and either smile or shout ‘dada’. Other times we’d be out in the garden, collecting apples that had scattered across the lawn from the large tree in the corner and separating the worm-eaten ones from the good ones, when a smile would break out on his face and he’d whisper ‘No, not there, that’s a bad one.’
And while Flynn was too young to tell me what he was seeing or who he was speaking to, it was clear to me that it was Nick. We might not have been able to force the connection between us, but the link between father and son was obviously too strong, and Flynn could feel his daddy’s presence in the house. Although I had no idea what I was going to tell Flynn if he ever started asking about him, it was a comfort to me to know Nick was there, somewhere, looking over us.
How could we ever leave this house now?
‘Right, five minutes, mister,’ I said now. ‘Go and clean your teeth and get your shoes on.’
Flynn slid off the chair and ran upstairs, his feet thundering on the stairs like a small herd of elephants. I checked my bag, grabbed my own sandwich from the fridge, and went into the hall to apply my lipstick in the hallway mirror.
A few minutes later Flynn and I were walking along the street hand in hand, Flynn with his tiny rucksack on his back and his lunchbox swinging in his other arm. He chattered away as we walked, telling me about his friends, about Miss Hardcastle, about the birds in the trees and shouting every time he spotted a yellow car. At one point we had to stop and watch as a fire engine screamed past, Flynn’s mouth wide open in amazement.
It was only a ten-minute walk to Flynn’s nursery, but it usually took at least twenty, and by the time we arrived this morning most of his friends had already gone inside. Miss Hardcastle was still there, smiling.
‘I go now, Mummy,’ he said, tugging his hand away.
I crouched down and gave him a hug. ‘Be a good boy for Mummy, won’t you?’ I said.
‘Yep!’ Then he turned and ran towards the door, disappearing into the darkness beyond.
I was just about to leave when I heard someone call my name. I turned to see Miss Hardcastle walking towards me.
‘Is everything all right?’ I said, my stomach plummeting to the ground.
‘Yes, nothing to worry about,’ she said, her bright smile lighting up her face. ‘I just wondered…’ She glanced over her shoulder then back at me. ‘I wondered if I could ask you a rather personal question?’
‘I… I guess so.’ I was intrigued now.
‘It’s just, Flynn had never mentioned his daddy before, and I’ve always assumed he’s not around, but I… I wondered if I could show you a picture he drew yesterday?’
