But I had to try and convince him he was wrong, otherwise things would be over between us before they’d even got started. Not to mention what it would do to him, if he even suspected that bad news was coming his way.
‘There’s no bad news,’ I said, hoping my voice didn’t betray me. I reached my hand out to take his, but he snatched it away and inched even further along the bench away from me.
‘I don’t think I believe you,’ he whispered.
‘But I?—’
He shook his head. ‘You see, this is why I asked you –beggedyou – not to go looking for me.’ He buried his face in his hands. ‘I can’t… I don’t know…’
I couldn’t speak. I didn’t mean I couldn’t find the words, I meant I physically couldn’t get my throat to make any noise. Because how could I lie to his face and tell him everything was fine, when I knew it wasn’t?
And yet how could I tell him the truth?
He stood suddenly, the air displacing around him. I looked up. He was silhouetted against the sky and I couldn’t see the expression on his face. But his body was hunched and tense, his hands in fists at his side. I stood too, facing him.
‘Where are you going?’ I said.
‘I can’t do this,’ he said, his voice tight.
‘Please,’ I whispered. ‘Don’t go. Not like this.’
He didn’t answer or move. I took a step towards him. I could make out his eyes from this distance, see the pain in them, and I wanted to reach out for him, to hold him in my arms and beg him to forgive me. But I couldn’t so instead I just stood there, arms hanging limply at my sides.
‘I’ve fucked up,’ I said, when it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything. I stared down at the floor. ‘I’ve fucked up and I’m so sorry.’
I heard a noise coming from him and I looked up sharply. His eyes were filled with tears. He looked broken.
I’d broken him. I’d broken us.
‘I should go, shouldn’t I?’ I said, softly.
He sniffed and swiped his hand across his face. I noticed it was trembling. ‘I think it’s probably best if we both go,’ he said. His voice sounded rough, as though his throat was trying to stop him getting the words out.
I felt my insides collapse, folding in on themselves.
I’d ruined everything, any chance of happiness we might have been able to find, and all because I couldn’t stop being nosey. I just couldn’t help myself and now, this. This was all I deserved.
I bent down and picked up my bag and he did the same, slinging it over his shoulder.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said again, the words bouncing off the metal of the railings, barely adequate. I felt my breath catch in my chest.
‘Me too,’ he said. ‘More than you’ll ever know.’
And then, before I could say anything else, before I could ask him whether he might ever come back to find me, he turned and stepped off the bandstand and disappeared.
He was gone, and there was no way of going after him.
I dropped to my knees right there and then, curling up in a ball, no longer caring who might see me or what they mightthink. The pain of what I’d done, of losing him, was too much to bear and it was the only thing I could do.
I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually I lifted my head and gazed up into the roof, at the slivers of sunlight slicing through the gaps, and let out a long, shaky breath. I wanted to howl to the sky and scream and shout. But this would have to do, for now.
I stood and lowered myself onto the bench. The air was cooling and I pulled on my cardigan and wrapped it round me. I didn’t know whether there was any chance Nick might change his mind and come back, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to give up and leave, knowing I might never see him again if I did.
Not now. Not yet.
I wasn’t ready.
And so, I waited.
