‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
I shook my head and took a step away. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.’
‘Oh. Well, that’s good then.’
I hitched my bag up onto my shoulder. ‘I need to go home now. Let me know if you need any help moving in.’
‘I…’ he started, then stopped, his face dropping. ‘Thank you Erin. For everything.’
‘You’re welcome.’
And then I walked away from him, my heart hammering but my head held high.
30
NOW
Elbow: ‘Grounds for Divorce’
If you love someone enough, most things are forgivable.
I couldn’t forgive Greg.
I’d thought I could, but in the end, I’d found the tiny seed of resentment had blossomed into a huge, thorny hedge that I was simply incapable of getting over, however hard I tried.
‘I’m leaving.’
Greg stared at me as though I was speaking a foreign language.
‘You can’t.’
‘I’m sorry Greg.’
He slumped onto the sofa like a deflating balloon. I longed to go over to him and put my arms around him and tell him everything would be all right. But I stayed where I was and waited for him to say something. Finally, he looked up.
‘This is because of him isn’t it?’
I shook my head. ‘No. This is because of us.’
‘I don’t believe you.’ His voice cracked at the edges. ‘I know I screwed up, but I think you’d already made up your mind.’
Maybe he was right. Of course Adamwaspart of the reason I was leaving Greg. But not for the reasons he thought.
‘I’m not leaving you for Adam.’
‘Sure.’ I studied his face, the face I’d loved for so long. I thought about the first time I’d seen him, when we’d become instant friends. I’d loved him with a gentle brotherly love, and the warmth of my feelings had only spread and grown as the years had passed. But lately, the warmth had begun to seep away, stripping away the flesh of our love with it, until all that remained were the bare bones without anything left to hold it together. The gambling had been one thing – a coconut thrown at an already unstable coconut shy. But the parting shot, the one that had destroyed it once and for all, had been Adam’s return. Because it had made me realise that mine and Greg’s love wasn’t what I needed any more. It wasn’t enough.
That was why hurting him was breaking me. He was still that funny, caring man he’d always been. But he deserved better than to be with someone who didn’t love him as much as they should.
I sat down beside Greg and he moved away an inch as though touching me would scald him.
‘Greg. Look at me, please.’
He continued to stare ahead at the rug.
‘Greg, this is not about anyone else. This is about us.’
‘Is it the gambling? I promised you I’d stop and I will.’ His voice sounded like broken glass. ‘I’ll get the car back, I swear.’
