I was a wreck. As well as trying to shake the memory of Adam’s kiss, Mum and Dad’s words tumbled round my mind like odd socks in a washing machine, and I couldn’t seem to grab hold of one thought before it disappeared from reach again. I thought back to the moment I’d found the mixtape in Dad’s house and wished I could go back and leave it where it was.
But then, would it really have made any difference? Maybe it was only ever a matter of time before my feelings would have become confused anyway, and all the mixtape and Mum’s memories of Johnny had done was speed it all up.
My daydreaming was broken by the buzz of my phone.
Rose. I considered ignoring her but she was tenacious if nothing else, and I knew if I didn’t answer she’d simply turn up on my doorstep.
‘Hi Rose.’
‘What’s happening? I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages. I’ve sent you about three hundred messages.’
‘Have you?’
She sighed dramatically. ‘Come on E, don’t hold out on us. What did your dad say? Did you speak to Greg? What have you decided?’
I listened to the empty hum of the line between us and breathed deeply. ‘Is Sam there as well?’
‘Yes. You’re on speakerphone.’
Of course I was. They were my best friends, why wouldn’t they want to know what had happened since the dramatic moment with my mother at the care home? And they didn’t even know about Greg losing the car yet. It had all been too much to think about in the last two days.
I explained everything. What my father had said, and how he’d always believed Mum would leave if Johnny came back.
What Greg had done.
Then I told them about Adam.
‘Youkissedhim?’ Sam’s voice was so high pitched it was a wonder I could even hear it.
‘Strictly speaking he kissed me.’
‘Semantics, Erin. Fuck, what are you going to do?’
The million-dollar question.
Did I do what my dementia-riddled mother suggested and follow my heart? Did I leave my husband, who I loved but wasn’t in love with and who had betrayed me over and over again, to be with the man who had always set my heart alight, but who had plenty of faults that I wasn’t sure I could live with, and who didn’t remember who I was? Or did I stay with my husband, have a baby, and spend the rest of my life wondering what if?
It was the ultimate coin toss, and I had no idea which way I wanted it to go.
‘I don’t have a clue.’
29
NOW
Joy Division: ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’
The phone call came as I was walking back from work. I answered it with trepidation, but when I hung up I felt an unexpected sense of relief. Then I made another phone call of my own.
‘Erin?’
‘Adam.’
‘Everything okay? I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you after what happened.’
‘It’s fine.’ I cleared my throat, keen not to talk about it. ‘I’ve found a flat for you to look round.’
‘You have? Where?’
