‘Yes, I think I would,’ she said.
Sam turned to me. ‘Do you think we could, Erin?’ he said, and I was suddenly so grateful for his presence. I always found my anxiety levels soaring whenever I came to see Mum – on the approach because I was worried how she was going to be when I got here, and while I was actually here because I was panicking about doing something to upset her. I’d spent so much time with dementia patients you’d think I’d be used to it, but somehow, when it was my own mum, it felt as if there was so much more at stake.
‘Go on then, let’s try one song,’ I agreed, bending down to find the tape and cassette player in my bag. I set it up and looked at the three expectant faces watching me. ‘Ready?’ All three heads nodded, so I took a deep breath and pressed play.
As the opening guitar riff of ‘Ever Fallen in Love’ by Buzzcocks began, I saw Mum’s face relax, just like it had last time, and she smiled. It was clear she was gone again, miles away, lost years in the past. I flicked a glance at Sam and Rose as I waited to see whether she’d say anything about Johnny again, although I had no idea what to expect this time.
It didn’t take long.
‘Oh, this takes me back,’ she said, fixing her gaze on a spot on the floor in front of her. ‘It was playing on our first date.’ She stopped again, and I held my breath, hoping she was going to tell us more. ‘We went to Brighton, you know, me and Johnny, to the pier. It was blowing a gale, and he was late. I almost went home, I was so cold. But then there he was, bold as brass, marching up to me.’ She clasped her hands together. ‘He was so handsome. I’d never been on a date with anyone before, never thought Johnny would want me. But he did, and now here he was and he grabbed my hand and pulled me along the pier behind him, towards the arcade. That’s where this was playing, this song. And that’s why he put it on the tape for me, you know. It was one of our songs.’ She smiled again. I thought she’d finished, but then she started speaking again, quieter this time. ‘It was so loud in there, I could barely hear my own voice, but it was the best afternoon of my life. Johnny stood behind me as we slotted pennies into the machine, and I thought I was going to die from happiness. Then he kissed me, for the very first time, in front of all those people, by the slot machines, and the whole world disappeared.’ She stopped suddenly, then turned her gaze to me, her eyes blazing. ‘I was in love. I’d never loved anyone like that before. And I never have since.’
Shaking, I reached over and switched the music off and the sudden silence made the air hum. For a few seconds none of us said a word. Rose and Sam were watching me; I was watching Mum.
‘Oh!’ Mum sounded dismayed. ‘Can’t we have any more?’
‘In a bit,’ I said. I felt rattled by what Mum had said, by the lingering feeling it had left in me. I just didn’t know whether I was more bothered about Mum and Dad not being everything I’d always thought they were, or whether it was touching a nerve about my own situation.
‘So, tell me about this mixtape,’ I said now, resting my chin on my fist. The direct approach didn’t always work with Mum, but I was hoping that, having listened to one of the songs from the tape already, her mind might be more open to talking about the past.
A slow smile spread across her face, and she stared into space, before starting to talk.
‘Johnny made it for me. He was so lovely.’ She stopped, and I let her mind wander for a moment without interruption. ‘He loved me, you know. We were going to get married.’ She dropped her gaze to the carpet and fell into silence again.
‘So, when did he make this tape for you?’ Rose prompted, and I smiled at her, grateful for her help.
Mum looked up at her, her eyes blank, unseeing. ‘Just before I had to leave him.’ Her face dropped and for a moment I thought she was going to cry, but then she took a deep breath and carried on.
‘I loved him, but my father, he didn’t think he was good enough for me.’ She stopped, cleared her throat, anger making her voice louder. ‘He said he wanted me to find someone better, someone who would give me a good life. Someone like Michael. And Michael was lovely, he really was but Johnny was – he was the best man I’d ever known. We were going to run away.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper and we all leaned in to hear. ‘It was all planned out. He’d made me this tape, and we were going to run away in his car, and go to Gretna Green. But then that night my father caught us as I was sneaking out, and he told me I had a choice. If I went I could never go home again. If I stayed and forgot about Johnny, he wouldn’t disown me.’ A tear rolled down her face, but I left it, unwilling to interrupt her train of thought now for fear I’d never get it to return to this moment in time again. I needed to know the truth.
‘So what did you do?’ My voice was a whisper too.
‘What could I do? I was young. I had nothing. And even though Johnny had promised me the earth and I believed he’d do everything he could to give it to me, right then he had nothing either. So I stayed and married Michael, a lovely man with prospects just like my father wanted.’ The tears were rolling down her face now. ‘But Johnny was still the person I dreamed about at night. And oh—’ She stopped now with a cry. ‘Michael was a good man. He was my friend, and he loved me. I loved him too. But there was one thing Michael wasn’t.’ She looked me dead in the eyes. ‘He wasn’t Johnny.’
The room was utterly silent as Mum’s words settled.
My mind whirred with so many thoughts. Greg wanting to renew our wedding vows and trying so hard to make amends. Adam’s outbursts, his unpredictability and the way he made me feel. Mum’s regrets for the love she’d lost.
And Dad, my lovely, kind dad. How much had he known about this Johnny? Had he ever known he’d been Mum’s second choice and if he had, how much did it bother him?
I let out a long breath and sat back in my chair, suddenly exhausted by it all. I watched as Sam reached out to Mum and took her hand, and Mum turned to him with a smile. ‘Hello, who are you?’ she said, amiably.
‘I’m Sam,’ he replied patiently. ‘Erin’s friend.’
‘Are you her boyfriend?’ Mum had always known Sam was gay but, not wanting to contradict her, he just shook his head.
‘No, just her friend.’
‘Oh good. I’m glad she has some lovely new friends.’
I caught Rose watching me from the corner of my eye. Her face was filled with sadness and I forced a smile.
‘Okay?’ she whispered and all I could do was nod.
It wasn’t until we were almost home that I felt ready to address what had just happened.
‘What the hell am I going to do?’ I said as we drove long frosty roads, the moon almost full and bright above us, lighting the way. I was glad we were in the car so I didn’t have to look my two best friends in the face and see the worry and confusion I knew was in their eyes.
‘What does your heart say?’ Rose said.
