A lighter flared, and Adam inhaled deeply, blowing smoke out into the air and tipping his head back. It definitely didn’t smell like tobacco.
‘That’s better.’ He held his hand out. ‘Want some?’
Erin hesitated. She’d only ever smoked weed once before and it had made her sick. But there was something different, something intoxicating about this boy that made her desperate to impress him, so she took it from him and inhaled gently. She couldn’t help thinking about how her lips were touching the same place his had just been and she was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see her face flame. She took a couple more tokes then handed the joint back, watching the smoke curl from her mouth into the darkness, her throat scratchy with tobacco.
‘So, how come you’re at this party all on your own too?’
‘I’m not on my own.’
‘Oh? With your boyfriend?’
‘No, nothing like that.’ She felt her words tumbling over each other, getting tied up, and she hated herself for it. ‘I’m with my friends but they’re off somewhere.’
‘Gotcha.’ He inhaled deeply again then ground the spliff out on the floor beneath him. Then he leaned back and studied her.
‘I don’t know anyone; will you be my friend?’
‘Course.’ Erin’s stomach flipped again.
‘Good. So, tell me about you.’
‘Oh. Well, I’m Erin. I live not far from here, my friends are Rose and Sam, and I’m studying maths, chemistry and French. I want to do psychology at university and – well, that’s it.’
‘Nice CV, thanks.’ He studied her for a moment and she tried to meet his gaze.
‘What about you?’ she said. ‘I mean, how come you’re here if you don’t know anyone?’
‘Well, long story short, I just got chucked out of Long Acre and now my dad is refusing to pay for me to go anywhere else so I’m having to do my last year of A Levels at Grangemouth.’ He shrugged. ‘I’d be happy to just quit and play with my band, but my dad says he’ll disown me if I do that, so here I am. Integrating.’ He made speech marks in the air as he said the final word.
‘Chucked out? How come?’ Long Acre was the expensive private school nearby, and Erin couldn’t help wondering what you’d have to do to get thrown out of a school with such high fees.
‘I got caught selling weed.’ He shrugged. ‘Everyone does it, I just made the mistake of getting caught.’
‘Oh.’ She knocked open the bottle of beer on the edge of the table and took a swig. ‘Well, sorry you have to mix with us lot now.’
He fixed her with a stare. ‘Come on, don’t get all offended. I mean, you’ve got to admit it’s not the best party you’ve ever been to.’
Erin smiled despite herself. ‘No, you’re right. It is pretty shit.’
‘See.’ He dragged his chair towards her and she could make out the contours of his face in the watery light from the kitchen. She held her breath, unsure what was meant to happen next. He seemed wild to her, unpredictable, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. And when he touched her hand and threaded his fingers through hers, she thought she might burst into flames.
‘So Erin, will you look after me? I’m not sure I can get through a whole year without you.’
‘Yes,’ she said, her voice a squeak. She coughed. ‘Of course I will.’
‘Thank you.’
In that moment everything else in the world fell away – the house, the party, the garden, the music. Everything. It was just Erin and Adam in the centre of the universe, like a TV that had faded to nothing but a tiny circle of light. The world was theirs, the possibilities endless, and she let herself drink it in.
‘Let’s go and dance; I love this song,’ Adam said, and the world snapped back into sharp focus: the party, the stub of the spliff, the warmth of his hand in hers, the rhythm of Nirvana’s ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ on the stereo inside the house.
And so Erin let herself be led back into the hot, sweaty party to dance and drink beer with this boy, this intriguing man, who was so unlike anyone else she’d ever met. It could have been just the two of them for all the notice Erin paid to anyone else around them. The brush of his arm against hers, the feel of his breath on her cheek as he leant down to whisper in her ear, the pounding thump of the bass; it was all utterly intoxicating, and she felt swept away, powerless.
Did she realise it was the night that would change her life? Maybe not, while she was lost in that moment. But later, as they said their goodbyes and went their separate ways and Adam pressed his body against hers and kissed her goodnight for the very first time, his lips warm and tasting of tobacco – that was when she finally realised that this one thrilling, heady night had changed something in her. She had lost her heart.
4
NOW
