I sat back down and waited for him to calm. Moments later, as though a switch had been flicked, he almost deflated in front of my eyes.
‘God I’m so sorry Erin. I don’t know what came over me. I just…’ He rubbed his eyes with his still-clenched fists. ‘I just hate what I’ve become. I hate that my mind has done this to me.’ He slammed his fist into his palm, sat down next to me again, so close we were almost touching, then looked up. ‘Was I always like this?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like this, so furious, so aggressive?’
I shook my head. ‘Not aggressive, no. But you could be fiery at times.’
He looked down at the desk and didn’t reply for a moment. ‘I don’t think I was a very nice person, was I Erin?’ His voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear him.
‘You were nice Adam.’
He looked up at me. ‘But?’
I wasn’t sure what to tell him. ‘But you were angry.’
‘At what?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Life. Your father. The world. But it was a long time ago when I knew you. You were young, a teenager. We – we’ve all changed, since then.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t think I’ve changed as much as you think.’
‘What makes you say that? I haven’t seen you lose your temper at all until today.’
‘Not with you. Why would I? But since I got home I’ve been permanently angry with my parents. Blamed them for the fact my life is so miserable. But tell me this Erin. If I was such a wonderful person, before, why has no-one been to see me? Why haven’t friends flocked round to wish me well, to see how I am since the accident? Why haven’t I got someone who loves me?’ He stopped, rubbed his face. ‘Does that strike you as the life of someone who was a nice person?’
I didn’t know what to say. After all, what Adam and I had had between us all those years ago hadn’t been friendship. It had been passionate, love, lust. It had been obsession. Now, as I listened to Adam, it struck me that, actually, perhaps he was right. Perhaps he hadn’t changed as much as I’d thought he had. Perhaps, after all, the memories I’d had of me and him back then weren’t exactly how things had been between us. Perhaps I’d been seeing the past through rose-tinted glasses and, in fact, things may not have been greener on the other side if I had ended up with Adam.
I felt overwhelmed with the thoughts racing through my mind, so I stood abruptly, keen to leave and get some space to order my thoughts.
I pushed my chair back and Adam’s head jerked up at my sudden movement.
‘I need to get going,’ I said, trying not to meet his eye.
‘Okay. I’m sorry.’ He stood slowly and stretched himself up to his full height. I tried not to notice how handsome he still was, how my body still responded to him, and focus on the fact that I needed to get away from him. I moved towards the door to go and find Sam but before I got there he was suddenly in front of me, blocking my way. He was so close now I could see the amber flecks in his dark eyes, and a wave of desire coursed through me. ‘You won’t give up on me, will you Erin? Please?’
I couldn’t speak so I just shook my head.
‘Thank you.’ He looked down at his feet. ‘I just – can I ask you something else?’
My heart fluttered. ‘Of course.’
‘I need to move out of my parents’ house. I need my own space. Will you – will you help me find somewhere?’
‘Yes of course but – didn’t the doctors think you should stay with someone?’
He shrugged. ‘Yeah. For a while. But I’m fine. You can see I’m fine. I don’t need them.’ He puffed out his cheeks. ‘To be honest if I don’t get out of there soon I’m going to go mad.’ He looked at me. ‘I know it’s a lot to ask but I don’t really know anyone and I – I don’t really know where to start to look for a house.’
Realisation dawned. Of course he didn’t know how to do these things, because he’d always had them done for him – or had his parents’ house and money to fall back on. But now he needed to do this by himself.
‘I’ll help if I can,’ I promised.
‘Thank you. I need space to remember who I am, even if it’s not who I want to be.’ He swallowed, then whispered, ‘And I need to remember who we were, even if we can’t ever be together again.’
The thought hovered for a moment. It would have been so easy to close the tiny gap between us and let our lips brush, let ourselves get lost in the connection that was still there, as strong as ever. Everything in my body was urging me to do it, to reach out to him, to touch him. It took everything I had to step away.
And just in time too, as at that moment the door swung open and Sam came into the room. I sprung away as though I’d had an electric shock and Sam looked from me to Adam and back again. ‘It looks as though I came back just in time.’
