‘Exactly that.’ I turned back to Adam. ‘I’m going to play some notes and I want you to close your eyes and listen and tell me if you think of anything when you hear them.’
‘Like what?’
‘I have no idea, that’s the whole point. Most of the time this doesn’t trigger any memories, but it can help just to keep an open mind.’
‘Okay,’ Adam agreed.
The pair of them sat back on the sofa and closed their eyes. ‘You’re doing this bittooare you?’ I said, squinting at Sam.
He peeled an eye open. ‘You betcha.’
I rolled my eyes and placed the keyboard on the table. Sam had been right about one thing at least. His presence would definitely guarantee nothing inappropriate would happen between Adam and me. It couldn’t be less conducive to passion if he sat in the middle of the floor and started clipping his toenails.
I took a moment to study Adam’s face while he wasn’t watching. His strong jawline, the curve of his cheek, the dark sheen of his hair, shorter now, but still all so familiar. I tore my eyes away and propped my keyboard on my knees and played a few simple tunes, watching Adam for any reaction at the same time.
After a while he snapped his eyes open.
‘Anything?’ I said.
‘Not a thing.’
I shrugged. ‘That’s okay. I wasn’t expecting much, I just thought it might be useful to warm up a bit rather than diving straight in this time.’ I put the keyboard down and dug around in my bag for my tape recorder. ‘Okay, I’ve got something else I want to try.’
Adam peered suspiciously at the machine in my hands. ‘Are we attempting a bit of time travel?’ he said.
‘Something like that.’ I ignored the confusion on his face and pulled the mixtape he’d made me from my bag. ‘Do you recognise this?’ I held the cassette up for him to see and he shook his head.
‘Uh oh,’ Sam said. I threw him a look and he stood. ‘Sorry. I’m probably just getting in the way. I’ll leave you to it, but’ – he waggled his finger back and forth between us – ‘I’ll only be in the next room and I don’t want any funny business, all right?’
‘Go,’ I said, shooing him away, and he slunk off through the door.
‘Sorry about him,’ I said, as the door closed behind him. ‘He’s just protective of me. And Greg.’
‘It’s fine. I get it.’
I nodded. ‘So, this tape.’ I took a deep breath. I hadn’t been sure whether or not to tell him about the tape, just in case it worked too well, and triggered memories I wasn’t sure I wanted him to remember just yet. But in the end I’d decided it was worth the risk if the songs it contained helped him. ‘This is a tape you made me back – well, back when we were together.’
His eyes widened and a smile spread across his face. ‘And you’ve still got it?’
I felt my face redden. ‘No. Well, yes, but I hadn’t seen it for years. I found it in a box at my dad’s house on Christmas Day.’
‘Oh, right.’ He reached for the box and read the note on the front, opened it and looked back at me. ‘Wonder why I didn’t write a song list on it?’
I shrugged. ‘No idea. But don’t worry, I’ve listened to it. I think we should give it a go.’
‘Okay.’
My hand shook as I loaded the tape into the cassette player, and then we both waited as I pressed play. Seconds later Ash, ‘Girl From Mars’ started and I watched as Adam listened carefully. It conjured immediate images of him standing on stage singing to me, but would it do the same for him? It seemed unfathomable that it could all be meaningless to him, lost in the past – but I also knew that was highly likely.
When it came to an end, I pressed pause.
‘Well?’ I said.
Adam looked at me sadly and shook his head. ‘Nothing.’
‘Don’t worry, there are plenty more,’ I said, trying to hide my disappointment. If these songs didn’t trigger a memory in him, then I wasn’t convinced any of the other ones would either. But I wasn’t about to give up yet.
I played the next song – ‘Chasing Rainbows’ by Shed Seven, one of his favourites – and another, and each time I was transported back instantly to another time, another place, when Adam and I were together. Most were happy memories, when I’d felt safe knowing that Adam had loved me. And when those songs were playing I watched Adam expectantly, hopeful that this time, something might spark. But each time he looked back at me with the same blank look of sadness and disappointment and my heart lurched again. I’d been so sure this was going to be the breakthrough we needed, that at least one of these songs would trigger a memory in him, even just a spark to remind him of who he once was, and who we once were. But so far, nothing.
