‘Is this about Adam?’
I gave a small nod.
‘You’ve seen him again, since he told you he didn’t remember you?’
I nodded again.
‘Oh E. After everything we said, you went back there?’
‘I had to. How could I just carry on without finding out more?’
‘Because no good could ever come of it!’ He was clearly exasperated with me, and I didn’t blame him. But I was desperate for him to understand.
‘Okay listen.’ I waited, then carried on when he didn’t respond. ‘We just went for a walk on the Common. I – I needed to be certain there was nothing there any more. You know, that there were no feelings left for him.’
‘And?’
I sighed. ‘There were fireworks, Sam. Bloody fireworks.’ I rubbed my face and shook my head.
Sam took my hands. ‘Listen E, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just the residual memory of you and him that’s making you feel this way. You and Greg have got something worth fighting for. Adam was just a flash in the pan, and the only reason he seems more appealing to you right now is because you’ve had him on such a pedestal for all these years, and you don’t know all the bad bits. You don’t know him warts and all, the way you do Greg.’ He shrugged. ‘The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, you know.’
‘I know. You’re right.’ My voice sounded weak, unconvincing.
He peered at me closely. ‘Is there anything else you’re not telling me? You didn’t—’ He stopped, his eyes like saucers. ‘You didn’tkisshim did you?’
‘Of course I didn’t! I wouldn’t! But—’
‘But you wanted to?’
I nodded miserably.
‘Come here.’ He pulled me into a hug again and this time he rested his chin on my head. ‘I’m guessing you haven’t told Greg about this?’
‘Of course not. It would break his heart.’
Sam pulled away, looked down at me. ‘Exactly. And that’s my point.’
‘There is no point.’
‘There is a point, and you know what it is. Adam is your weak spot. It didn’t matter how unhappy he made you, you could never see any bad in him.’
‘He didn’t make me unhappy.’ Even as I was saying the words I knew they weren’t entirely true. But I could also remember the happy times, which were so passionate and exciting that they overshadowed everything else.
‘Come on Erin, it’s him with amnesia, not me.’ He sniffed. ‘You’ve always been in love with Adam – you know it, Rose and I know it, and Greg definitely knows it.’ He flicked a glance at the door. ‘Poor guy; he’s always known he was your second choice, and it’s bad enough having to live with that knowledge. Imagine how he’d feel if he knew you’d seen Adam and hadn’t even told him about it.’
I felt my body deflate. Sam was right, of course. I’d known this all along. And yet I’d still seen Adam more than once, and had thought about him almost constantly.
‘Is this because of Greg’s gambling? Are you trying to punish him?’ Sam said.
‘No!’
‘Are you sure? Because I’d be surprised if there wasn’t an element of that going on here.’ Sam grabbed the Prosecco bottle and drained the rest of it into his glass, then got another one from the fridge, flicked it open and topped my glass up again. I took a sip and could feel my head starting to spin. I really needed some food.
‘What’s going on with Greg has nothing to do with me seeing Adam. I swear. I just – it’s just bad timing.’
‘You know you can’t see him again, don’t you?’
I did, of course I did. Even if I hadn’t been sure, Sam’s reaction was enough to confirm that what I was doing was completely wrong. And I hadn’t even told him about my suggestion to Adam that I could help him, or about the few minutes before we parted where we came so close to kissing. But how could I promise Sam I’d never see Adam again, when I knew it would be a lie?
