‘Honestly, I’m fine, it’s just been a busy week. I need to collapse tonight.’ I plastered a smile on my face and she seemed reassured.
‘Well, if you’re positive, then have a fab Christmas and I’ll see you when we’re back in the new year, will I?’
‘You will. Merry Christmas Kate.’
Once she’d gone, I stood and gathered my instruments together, put my little speakers in my rucksack, and headed out of the door. It was only a fifteen-minute drive home but I was in no hurry and after sticking my stuff in the boot of the car I meandered along the path that ran beside the river and breathed in deeply. The air was bitterly cold but it felt cleansing, as though it was helping to clear my mind. I reached a bench and sat for a few moments, watching the silent river flow by. As I tipped my head up to the stars I thought about last night when I’d studied this very same sky, with Adam by my side. I wondered where he was right now, and what he was doing. Whether he was thinking about me.
Then I stood, walked back to my car, and drove home to my husband.
I opened the door and the house was quiet. I could tell Greg was home though, because the house felt different when it was completely empty. I jumped at something brushing against my feet and then smiled when I looked down to see Dog curling round and round my feet, purring madly. I bent down to pick him up.
‘Hello little dude, how’s your day been?’ I cooed into his ear, and he wriggled to be set free. I let him go and he ran off to wait expectantly by his food bowl. I rolled my eyes. Why did Greg always leave me to feed the cat?
I followed Dog into the kitchen and filled his bowl. He tucked in greedily. There was a bottle of red open on the worktop so I shrugged off my coat, slipped my boots off and poured myself a glass. I stood for a minute, sipping my wine, and felt the tension from the last few days seep away. It was the day before Christmas Eve tomorrow, and I was looking forward to seeing Greg, Rose and Sam, as well as Mum on Christmas Eve and Dad on Christmas Day. It would be good for us to spend some time together, I reassured myself, trying to ignore the niggle at the back of my mind that was telling me I was going to miss seeing Adam.
Before I headed upstairs, it occurred to me that I hadn’t checked up on Mum for a couple of days. The care home she’d moved into a few years earlier was about ten miles away and I visited at least once a week, but I tried to call regularly as well. I dialled the number and waited for someone to pick up at the other end. I was relieved when a familiar voice answered and I knew instantly that it was Suzy, Mum’s main carer.
‘Hello Erin,’ she said warmly. ‘Merry Christmas.’
‘Ah you too Suzy,’ I replied. I loved Suzy and was forever grateful that Mum had her looking after her. She gave her almost as much love and attention as she would get at home living with me and Greg, or with Dad, but she also kept her safe. ‘How is she?’
‘She’s had a good day today, although the sound of the wind upset her a bit earlier. All good now though. She’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.’
Bless Suzy. We both knew full well that Mum was unlikely to have registered that I was coming to see her, and even if she had, that she was even less likely to still remember it by tomorrow, but I loved her for trying.
‘Thanks Suzy. See you then.’
I pocketed my phone and headed towards the stairs, trying not to slosh wine onto the carpet. Halfway up it occurred to me I should have brought Greg a fresh glass up, but then he was no doubt chatting to his gambling recovery group so I didn’t really want to disturb him. I reached the top of the stairs and could see a crack of light coming from under the door to the spare room, and padded across the carpet towards it. I pushed the door open and saw Greg at his computer. It all happened so quickly. I glanced at his screen, and almost at the same moment he turned and spotted me, a look of horror on his face. In that frozen moment I didn’t speak, and then he turned back to his computer, shut down the website he was looking at and turned back to me. There were spots of red high on both of his cheeks.
‘I – I didn’t hear you come in,’ he stuttered.
I still didn’t speak and he watched me hopefully. I glanced at the now-blank screen and back at his face, then turned and slammed the door, stalking back down the stairs towards the kitchen. By the time he caught up with me I was pulling on my boots.
‘Erin, please. Don’t run off.’
‘I saw you, Greg. I saw what you were doing.’
He hung his head. ‘I know. And I’m sorry. It was a one-off.’
‘That’s what you said last time. But you promised me. You promised me you’d stop gambling.’
‘I know. And I have. I had. I…’ He stepped towards me. ‘It really was just this once. I promise. You have to believe me.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t believe you though, that’s the problem.’
‘I…’ He held his hand out. ‘Come upstairs. I’ll show you. It was just one bet, just today, I swear. It’s been months; I’ve been doing really well.’
I wavered for a moment. He truly did seem sorry, and I knew I should give him the benefit of the doubt. But after everything that had happened over the last few months and all the hard work he’d put into his recovery so far, I just couldn’t believe he’d let himself slip up like this, and I was struggling to forgive him.
‘I just need to go out for a while,’ I said. ‘Clear my head.’
‘But where? It’s getting late.’
‘I’m just going for a walk.’ I pulled my coat on. ‘Can we talk about this when I get home?’
‘I’ll make dinner.’
I studied him for a moment, and I nearly took my coat off and let him convince me he was better, but instead I nodded curtly. ‘Okay.’ Then I brushed past him, out of the door, and walked away, hoping that my whole world wasn’t about to crumble down around me.
