‘It is.’
‘You don’t seem very angry about it.’ A root was digging into the back of my head and I shifted to get comfortable. ‘I think I would be consumed with rage about losing more than thirty-five years of my life.’
A silence followed, filled with the distant hoots of owls, and I wondered whether I’d said the wrong thing. But then Adam spoke again.
‘I was furious. Scratch that. Iamfurious. It’s been awful, these last few months since it happened. I can’t remember anything about the person I was before. I don’t really know where I’ve been living, who with, or the places I’ve been to, apart from the few details my parents have filled in for me. I assume my band must have been fairly successful, but I don’t even remember any of that.
‘At first I was desperate to fill in all the blanks, and blamed everyone else for my memory failing me. But now I’m starting to realise that I can’t change what’s happened, and I can’t force my memory to return, so what’s the point in being angry for the rest of my life?’ He stopped. ‘Besides, perhaps it’s a good thing.’
‘What do you mean?’ I turned to face him and tried to seek out his features in the dark, but it was almost impossible.
‘Well, I don’t seem to have anyone who cares about me. I mean, barely anyone has been to visit me since the accident, and even those who came at beginning have stopped bothering now. I guess it’s pretty boring spending time with someone who doesn’t have a clue who you are.’ He stopped, sighed. ‘And my parents don’t like me very much either. At least, my dad doesn’t. He hasn’t said so of course, but it’s pretty obvious I’m a complete disappointment to him.’
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. If no-one else had bothered to fill Adam in on exactly how toxic his relationship was with his parents, I certainly wasn’t going to be the one to break the news.‘Well, your dad was always threatening to disown you because he thought you were a disgrace to the family, he never spent any time with you and thought that throwing money at you made up for it, and your mum went along with all of it for an easy ride – she preferred lunching with her friends over spending any actual time being a mother.’
No, there was absolutely no way I could say any of that.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you,’ he said, to my relief. ‘But tell me one thing.’ I felt him move beside me, and the back of his hand brushed against mine. I snatched it away and regretted it instantly.
‘What?’
‘Was I an arsehole?’
‘No!’ I sat up and shuffled until my back was against the solid trunk of the tree. Physically I might have been rooted to the earth, but for the first time in a long time, I felt unconstrained, free. I didn’t know whether it was this place, far away from everything, or Adam’s presence. I didn’t want to analyse it too much. ‘You weren’t an arsehole. You were…’ I stopped. How on earth could I explain to Adam what he’d been like when I knew him? How could I capture the essence of him, the ferocity of his emotions, the hunger, the longing between us? ‘You were amazing.’ My voice was quiet. ‘But then I haven’t spent time with you for a very long time.’ I shrugged. ‘So who knows what you’re like these days?’
He didn’t reply straight away, but a few seconds later I felt his hand brush against mine again, and this time neither of us pulled away. Instead we just lay there, peering at the stars, lost in our own thoughts, our fingers barely touching, letting the vastness fill our souls.
As I took it all in, I felt as though nothing else mattered, as though there were no problems to deal with: no amnesia, no dementia, no gambling, and no thoughts of infidelity. As though, actually, nothing was insurmountable.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I suddenly realised my whole body was shivering. ‘Can we walk?’
‘Are you cold?’
‘Frozen.’
‘Come on then.’ Adam leapt to his feet and pulled me up. As I stood I lost my balance slightly and tipped towards him. Our noses were almost touching, and even though I knew I should move away, create some space between us, I couldn’t seem to make my body do as it was told. I could feel his warm breath against my lips and I was frozen to the spot.
‘Was it always like this?’ he whispered.
My legs shook and my whole body was tense with expectation. I didn’t need to ask him what he meant. ‘Yes.’
We stood there for a moment, the air fizzing between us, me thinking about the past, Adam no doubt trying to imagine it. Then suddenly the moment was broken when Adam moved away and smacked the tree trunk with the palm of his hand. ‘Fuck!’ He hit it again. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck. This stupid brain.’ As I watched him I was reminded briefly of the young, volatile man he used to be, so quick to anger that it could sometimes be frightening. He turned to face me, his eyes filled with pain. ‘I thought things were bad before, but this has made it ten times worse.’
‘Meeting me?’
‘Meeting you and realising that, even though I don’t know you, there’s something between us. Something magnetic.’ He buried his face in his hands. ‘I’m deeply drawn to you Erin.’ His voice was low.
‘Me too. To you I mean.’ I was, despite the flash of the volatile side of Adam that had eventually led to us breaking up.
He looked up at me again. ‘But you’re married.’
‘I am.’
He hesitated for a moment, then started striding away down the hill. I ran to catch him up. ‘Where are you going?’
‘Home.’
‘Well wait for me.’ The path was muddy and I found my feet sliding around beneath me in the dark. ‘Adam, wait!’
