His gaze met mine and once again, just like the first time I’d met him, the rest of the world faded away to nothing, so there was no more tinkling of glasses, no more background chatter, no more pub, leaving just me and him in the centre of our own little universe. A beat, a wisp of breath, then: ‘Well, I would like to get to know you better, Erin.’ His voice was low. I could feel his leg pressing against mine under the table and I buzzed with anticipation. It was all I could do not to throw myself at him, and I was thankful when he looked away and took a sip of his wine.
I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I stood, knocking my thigh against the table as I did. Wine splashed onto the tabletop and puddled round the bottom of the glass.
‘I’m just going to the bathroom.’ I left before he could say anything else.
Inside the loo I entered a cubicle, bolted the door and dropped onto the toilet lid, pressing my fists into my eyes until I saw stars. What was Idoing?What was I thinking, sitting here in a pub with the man who had once been the love of my life, when my husband was at home, oblivious to the turmoil I was going through? What sort of person did it make me that I’d sought Adam out, and then chosen to spend the evening with him rather than trying to fix my marriage?
I felt utterly overwhelmed. Firstly, by seeing Adam again after he’d filled my thoughts for so many years. But also by the fact that he’d forgotten me, that all his memories of what we’d once meant to each other had been erased forever.
In part, it felt as though an old wound had opened up and was refusing to stop bleeding, seeping into every nook, every corner of my life. But it also felt as though his return had revealed a whole realm of possibilities, one where anything might happen. Where, in other circumstances, we might just start up where we’d left off.
I was reminded suddenly of the first time Greg had met Adam. Greg and I had still just been friends, and Adam was visiting for a few days on a break from touring pubs and clubs with his band. It had been clear from the start that there was no love lost between the pair of them. Greg thought Adam wasn’t good enough for me, that he didn’t treat me the way I deserved – in his defence, he was right – while Adam thought Greg was a creep, hanging round to get my attention. It had been a nightmare.
If Greg knew where I was and who I was with right now, it would destroy him. I needed to get out of here and go home.
I stood, left the cubicle and took a deep breath before heading back out into the pub. It was filling up a bit now, and as I wound my way past tables, I kept my eyes peeled for anyone I knew. When I got back I didn’t sit down, and Adam looked up at me questioningly.
‘Are you going to finish your drink?’ he said.
‘No. I shouldn’t be here. I need to go.’ I grabbed my coat and bag and turned to leave. Adam stood and grabbed hold of my wrist. I didn’t pull it away.
‘Let me walk you home.’
‘You can’t. Greg can’t see me with you.’
He stopped then, realisation dawning. ‘Greg knows me.’ It was a statement, not a question.
‘Yes.’
‘And he doesn’t like me?’
How did I answer that? ‘He – he was always jealous. Of me and you. And then, when you left, he—’ I stopped, not wanting to tell him too much.
‘He pounced?’ Adam finished.
‘No! It wasn’t like that. He’s a lovely man. He’s good to me.’ I pulled my arm away from his grasp, desperate suddenly to get away.
‘But you don’t love him?’
‘I do. I do love him.’
He studied me for a moment, and I had to look away. I turned and pushed the door open, the freezing evening hitting me like a slap round the face. I didn’t know whether Adam had followed me and I didn’t dare look round, so I hurried away from the pub and back in the direction of home.
‘Erin, wait!’ Adam’s voice cut through the air and I slowed, unsure whether to turn. But he shouted again and I stopped then turned haltingly to face him. He was bundled back up in his coat and hat, his guitar case in his left hand, an unlit cigarette in the other. When he reached me he touched my arm with his other hand and I felt it like a jolt, despite the layers of clothes between us.
‘What is it Adam?’ I kept my voice icy, unobtainable. He placed his guitar down on the ground, reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. The flame lit up his face as he inhaled, the cigarette sparking to life. It had been a while since I’d smelt cigarette smoke and it brought back unwanted memories.
‘Sorry, seems to be one habit I can’t break,’ he said, blowing smoke out into the air. ‘Can I see you again? As friends I mean? I just – I’ve got so much to find out about myself, and you’re the first proper connection I’ve made outside my family.’ He looked at his feet as he inhaled deeply on the cigarette again. ‘I was so angry when I got back to my parents’ house. Angry with life, with them, with everything. I’ve mended physically, but I still don’t know who I am, Erin, and I feel as though you might be able to help me. Please?’
I blew a puff of warm breath into the space between us, considering. Would it really be so bad to see him one more time, to help him try and remember who he was? ‘Okay,’ I agreed before I could talk myself out of it.
‘Really?’
I nodded. ‘But we have to be careful. I can’t hurt Greg. This is just one person helping another, nothing more. Okay?’
‘Understood.’ He rummaged in his pocket for a minute and pulled out a mobile phone. ‘Can I give you my number? So you can ring me when you’re ready.’
I took my own phone from my bag and typed in the number he read out from the screen, and saved it as ‘AB’. Already keeping secrets from Greg.
