Ten years would have been a miracle.
Now, they are my sentence.
With each one, more heavy weight is put on me, so I’m barely staying afloat.
I’m dying.
And I pray it’s fast.
You’re not going to come back, and I’m never going to love anyone ever again. You took my heart with you when you left. Granted, I know you never thought twice about me, because who would?
I’m nothing.
I left the service of my country, a thing I was once so proud of, and now, I’m just playing caretaker to a drafty old castle wrought with ghosts.
It seems fitting.
I’ll die alone here, and maybe I’ll end up one of the angry spirits who haunt this place. That’s fitting since I am so angry with myself for not being brave.
I was a coward, and I’ve paid the price. Every day, I stare at the tattoo on my leg and think about you. It’s hours a day. Not just moments.
I lay in bed and I sob because I know what a treasure I had, and I lost. Sometimes, I sleep all day just feeding the animals here and going back to bed.
Why?
So I can remember you.
It’s fading.
I don’t remember your scent anymore. I don’t remember being hugged in your arms. I can’t remember your laugh, and I honestly hope I’m deadbefore it’s all gone. Those memories are all I have left, and they are being taken from me too.
When I forget all of you, I’ve lost all of me.
I no longer have the ability to have hope. It’s been drained out of me, and I wish to the loveless God that is torturing me that he would have let me take those bullets and died that day.
It would have been better.
I should have put my body over yours and died instead to protect my heart and soul.
And I failed anyway.
I know that you moved on and never gave me another thought. That’s clear, and that’s okay since this is my fault. I’ll carry it to my grave.
With each nameless man that calls me to fuck in some pub alley, I think about you.
This is my penance.
This is my punishment.
I don’t do it out of lust or love. I do it out of being too big of a coward to end my miserable life by my own hand.
I need someone to do it for me.
I hate myself so much that I know it’s only a matter of time before I end my life.
Some might say being a soldier is what broke me, but I know the truth.
Not being yours is what destroyed me.
