There are moments when I think about how we fought side-by-side, and no one knew our truth. You were my partner in and out of war. No one saw that we had taken a vow with that single tattoo.
Now I wonder if you covered it up.
It’s been two years. It’s been more than half of the time we were together, and I know one thing.
I never got over you.
Even at the two-year mark, I still think about you. On this day, I stay in bed, and I mourn what mistake I made. Some people take their birthday off, but I take off the day I let you walk away.
This last year, I’ve been looking for you. I have tried to find D’Artangnan Graves everywhere. Only, you disappeared.
It’s like you don’t exist anymore.
And I get it.
I hurt you by giving you an ultimatum, and you wantedme to never find you again. You’re much better at hide-and-seek than I am.
So, I guess that you’re over me.
I guess that, I deserve that.
I’m going to assume you’ve moved on, and are happily married somewhere. Did you take his name? Is that why I can’t find you?
I hired a private investigator to find you. Out of desperation, I paid someone in the US to locate you, and they came back with nothing.
You’re gone.
The finality of it has set in.
Up to that moment, where he told me that you don’t seem to exist anymore, I had hope that one day, you’d walk through the door, and I’d see you again.
So, I gave up the apartment.
I didn’t renew the lease.
It’s clear that you’re not coming back. For two years, I’ve had hope. Now, I see that you’re lost to me. I let the best thing in my life leave, and I didn’t chase you down.
How do I live with myself knowing that?
Then again, my M'eudail, you likely wouldn’t have taken me back. I saw the hurt in your eyes when I told you I wouldn’t leave Scotland.
You think I chose it over you.
And in a way, I did. That wasn’t my intent. I was a coward, and I’m sorry.
I don’t think I’ll move on though. I bought us rings, and I had planned on marrying you. I think I’ll just pretend you died in war.
Somehow, it’s easier.
Then, I don’t have to face the reality that I let the best thing in my life go. I let my husband go.
I’ll never love again.
I swear to you, D’Artangnan, that I’ll never give my heart to anyone else. It was always you, and I’ll die taking that vow to my grave.
I miss you more than you’ll ever know.
I’m sorry.
