I don’t know. I really don’t. And I suddenly feel a wave of tiredness that this is all so complicated, when all I want is to enjoy dating someone.
Men in our world are like that. Territorial, protective, possessive. Mara doesn’t understand that—it’s one of the few things she can’t understand. And I don’t have the luxury of dating men who exist in the normal world. They can’t handle my family, my security team, all the rules and restrictions, and formalities that come with being with me.
"He's not that bad," I say, but even to my own ears, it sounds halfhearted. "He took me to a nice restaurant, planned a thoughtful evening?—"
"Basic human decency isn't the same thing as being a good partner," Mara interrupts. "And from what you've told me, he spent most of the date making comments about your independence and your family's protection. That's not someone who sees you as an equal, Annie. That's someone who sees you as a prize to be won."
I huff out a breath, irritated because I know she’s at least partially right. Hedidmake me uncomfortable with some of the things he said. “He could have been nervous,” I say defensively. “His family and mine have history. Him dating me would be a big deal if it became serious.”
“So that’s complicated, too? Annie, find someone easier. Someone that you can justlike.”
“It’s never that easy.” I shake my head, frustration burning the back of my throat. “What am I supposed to do, Mar? Elio is off-limits—and probably not even all that interested in me anymore—and you're telling me that Desmond is bad news. Am I just supposed to stay single forever?"
Mara rolls her eyes. "Of course not. But maybe you need to figure out what you actually want before you make any decisions about either of them."
"I want to feel like I have some control over my own life," I say immediately. "I want to make my own choices about who I date, who I sleep with, who I might want to build a future with. I'm twenty-eight years old, and I've spent my entire life being protected and managed and kept safe. I’m still avirgin, for fuck’s sake, Mar. I want to feel like a woman, not a child."
"And what does feeling like a woman mean to you?" she asks patiently. “Think about it, Annie.”
“I want to be desired,” I say softly. “I liked the jealousy because it made me feel wanted. I don’t want what I had with Elio all those years ago—that hurt too much, and I feel like if I had it again, it would cheapen what that was. I’m not tryingto recreate that. But I want someone to reallywantme. And Desmond did make me feel like that tonight. Maybe he didn’t go about it the right way, but he made me feel wanted. Like being with me meant something to him. Like I was worth pursuing and standing up to someone else for.”’
Mara pauses, her sharp green eyes piercing through the screen. “Like Elio didn’t, all those years ago.”
The statement hits me like a punch. I never thought about it that way. Maybe I never wanted toletmyself think about it that way. But it’s true—Elio didn’t pursue me. He walked away. And he didn’t stand up to my father. He left, the way he was supposed to. He leftme.
I swallow hard, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes. “Maybe,” I admit.
“So forget about Elio,” Mara advises. “I know that’s hard, when you have to work with him some of the time, but try to avoid him when you can. No more dinners, no more drinks out. And as for Desmond—” She hesitates. “I get that you might want to pursue it, Annie. I get how he makes you feel. And I get being attracted to that kind of masculinity. But just… be careful.”
I nod, draining my glass of wine. I leave her for a moment to go refill it, and when I come back, I pepper her with questions about her latest gallery event to avoid any more discussion of my love life. I feel drained from discussing it, and I’ve gone from wanting to figure out what the hell is going on in my head to wanting nothing more to do with it for now.
By the time we hang up, I’m a little drunk. And despite everything Mara and I talked about, my mind drifts back to Elio.
I want him. I’ve always wanted him, even after I told myself I’d moved on. He's the standard I've been measuring everyone against, the reason no other relationship has ever felt quite right.
But that can’t happen. It couldn’t happen back then, and nothing has changed so fundamentally now that we could betogether. I don’t even know what he wants, and after tonight, I’m sure as hell not about to ask him.
His loyalty to my brother is something I truly don’t want to get in the way of, either. Which leaves me with nothing to do about that, except follow Mara’s advice and try to avoid him.
My phone buzzes, and I reach for it. Desmond’s name flashes on the screen, and I bite my lip, reading the incoming text.
Desmond:I’m sorry if I came on too strong tonight. Let me make it up to you and take you out again. There’s a charity gala next Friday night. I’d like you to go with me, if you’re up for it.
I read the text twice,trying to sort through my feelings. I should give him another chance. He’s apologized, and there was something between us on that first date. I should see if anything changes in a second, how that makes me feel.
He’s handsome, successful, and connected to our family already. There are some complications with me dating him, but there are enough benefits that I think I could sway Ronan to see my side of it, once I’m sure that something will come of it. The arrangement with the Connelly family was good for us before, and it could be even better if it were a love match.
Annie:I like the sound of that. Text me what time, and we’ll call it a date.
I toss my phone aside,trying to push thoughts of Elio out of my head—of what he’d think if he knew I just agreed to another date with Desmond, how that would make him feel. If his jaw would tense again, his eyes darkening with jealousy. If he’d be upset that I was with a man who wasn’t him.
If he’d wished he’d done things differently all those years ago.
Do I want to punish him for it?I don’t think so… I don’t think I’ve ever been angry with him for how things went, just sad. But maybe there are more lingering feelings of betrayal than I’ve been willing to admit. Maybe my feelings are more complicated than I’ve ever wanted to let on.
Nothing is ever going to feel like it did between us. I’ll never find that again. A hollow pit opens in my stomach at the thought, even as my hand falls to my breast, my fingers brushing against my nipple through the silk as thoughts of Elio flood my mind.
The cool concrete of the wall behind the school against my back. Elio’s fingers wrapped around mine. His mouth so close that I could taste the peppermint on his breath. The sound of a bell, breaking the moment.
