I’m not sure Iwantto ever feel it with someone else. If I could, it would cheapen it somehow, I think. I’d rather live the rest of my life never feeling it again, settling for simple, banal affection, than lessen what Elio and I had together briefly.
"What do you mean?" I ask, tapping my nails against the side of my glass. Desmond shrugs.
"Just that we all have our secrets, our loyalties, our obligations. Sometimes they conflict with what we want for ourselves."
He reaches across the table and takes my hand again, his thumb stroking across my knuckles. "I imagine it's been difficult for you, being the only daughter. All that protection, all those expectations."
"I've been lucky.” His touch sends something warm up my arm, at odds with my internal back-and-forth over how this man makes me feel. "My father, and now Ronan, have always supported my independence."
"Have they?" Desmond's grip tightens slightly. "Or have they just given you the illusion of independence while keeping you on a very long leash? Your father especially. I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t one day have wanted a more traditional role for you."
I tug my hand back, but he doesn't let go immediately. When he finally releases me, it's with obvious reluctance.
"I think you're underestimating my brother," I say, my voice cooler than before. “And how valuable I am to the family. Marrying me off to someone more traditional would be like shooting themselves in the foot.”
“Maybe.” Desmond tilts his head slightly. “It’s still self-serving, though, isn’t it? Independence, because it suits them.”
I laugh a little shakily. “Are you saying my independence should come without strings? That I don’t need to be useful to live my own life?” He’s saying things I’ve thought before, in the dark parts of the night. But I don’t particularly like hearing them from him, having my innermost fears turned inside out. It’s almost as if he knows me a little too well for my comfort.
Or maybe he just wants to understand me. Maybe, once again, I’m reading all of this in the worst possible light because it’s easier than being hopeful that this could work out.
“I’m just saying that I wouldn’t underestimate how much control he has over your life.” Desmond shrugs again. “It matters what you want too, Annie.”
“Are you hoping that I’ll sayyou?” I tease him, trying to lighten things a bit. When he smiles, I feel my shoulders drop slightly as I relax.
“Of course I am.” His fingers graze mine again where they’re wrapped around the crystal glass. “Like you said, this has been a wonderful night. I’m sad that it has to end.”
I take another sip of my drink, using the moment to study his face. There’s a smile on his full mouth, his eyes gleaming as he watches me. There’s desire there, I’m sure of it now, and genuine interest. He wants me—he wantsmoreof me, and I think I want more of him, too. At the very least, I’d like another night like this one.
"What about you?" I ask, changing the subject. "Any family obligations I should know about? Drama that you want to share?" I keep my tone light and teasing, wanting to steer away from the heavier topics we keep coming back to tonight.
"Just the usual," he says vaguely, waving a hand. "Business interests to maintain, relationships to cultivate. The kind of thing that comes with our name. It’s all boring, really. Although I’m sure you’d find the financial parts of it fascinating."
“I always do,” I say with a laugh, and Desmond shakes his head.
“I can’t understand that. I was never a maths guy in school. Not in the slightest.”
“You and my brother have that in common,” I tease back, and then immediately break off as I see that hard flash of emotion drift across his gaze again.
It was a foolish thing to say, really. I know Desmond and Ronan never got along, not even when Ronan was married to Siobhan. It’s another of the reasons I’m in no hurry to divulge to Ronan who I’m seeing until I’m sure that there’s a future in it. Desmond is definitely not who he would choose for me, given the choice.
Is that part of the allure?I can’t help but wonder as I allow Desmond’s fingers to graze mine for a moment longer. Is some rebellious part of me jerking against that leash, even thoughRonan has never made me feel it? Am I seeking out someone who would upset Ronan, even though I love my brother more than anything else in the world, to prove my independence?
The thought makes me unsettled. And at the same time, I can’t help thinking—if I really wanted to upset him, I’d go after Elio. Not Desmond.
That thought makes me feel as if it’s exactly what I’m doing, only choosing the lesser of two evils, and I push it away. I just wanted to go out on a date with someone I connected with, someone who I thought might actually work out. Not psychoanalyze myself at the end of it.
"I should probably head home soon," I say, glancing at my phone. "It's getting late."
"Already?" He looks genuinely disappointed. "We're just getting to know each other."
"I know, but I really do have an early meeting tomorrow. Rain check?" I smile at him, giving the hint that I’m interested in a second date.
“A meeting on a Saturday?” Desmond rolls his eyes playfully, and I shrug.
“There’ve been some… changes, recently. I’m not really getting a day off this week. Not when Ronan has reports he needs to see and a pile of paperwork for me to go over.”
"Of course," he says, but I can see the frustration in his expression. "Let me just finish my drink."
