In the past few weeks, Chase and I have grown closer than I thought I would be able to grow to another person after what happened with Stanley and our baby. It's weird, I had imagined I would spend the rest of my life alone with maybe a couple of friends.
I never thought I'd have any kind of affection and love. I had resigned myself to that and was okay with it.
Although now I'm trying to figure out if I really was. There's a part of me that believes I was trying to make it okay, but deep down was I?
The longer I spend here with him, the more I think I wasn't. That I was subjecting myself to what I was willing to accept, and not really what I wanted.
There's a knock at the bedroom door. "Yeah?"
Chase ducks his head in. We've been sleeping in separate beds still, although I'm kind of wondering why it's still a big deal. "Wanna sleep together tonight?" He asks, throwing a wink in my direction. "I don't mean sex, I'm tired, and sore." He got out today and shoveled a path from the house to the barn. "I just mean I want you laying next to me, while we maybe watch a couple episodes of Blue Bloods?"
We went to bed earlier tonight because he's tired, and I'm not sleepy yet. This sounds like the next best thing. "Sure, do I need to bring my pillow? Or what about my own blanket? In my marriage, we had separate blankets because we fought over covers."
He raises his eyebrows. "No, either we're sharing a blanket, or we might as well be sleeping in different beds. You're gonna be tucked against me anyway."
It strikes me again how much different Chase is than Stanley. How I thought I knew what marriage and love was, but I didn't. The fact of the matter is, I'm not exactly sure what love is yet, but I know what I had with Stanley wasn't it. "Okay, but I'm definitely grabbing my own pillow."
"Whatever you need to do, I just want that fine ass beside me. In fact, you don't have to come back to this bedroom unless you want to."
I'm grabbing my pillow, but I stop, looking over at him. "Chase are you sure?" I realize how big of a deal this is.
"Yeah." He nods. "I knew at some point I'd need to start living again, I just didn't know when that time would be. The longer we're together, and the more I learn about you, the more I want to live. Thank you for that."
What he just said makes my heart beat faster against my ribs. "You're welcome. You've done the same for me."
He grins, his mouth quirking up at the edges. "Then I guess we're luckier than either of us ever imagined. Come on, let's go watch some TV and relax."
Scrambling out of the bed, I get the pillow and stand next to him, putting my head on his shoulder. "I like you a lot, Chase."
He drops a kiss to my forehead. "I like you a lot, too."
We walk down the hallway to his bedroom, holding hands. For someone who had a bad experience in a bedroom; when I found my husband and his best friend together, I appreciate the fact I've only had good experiences in this bedroom. Going over to the side that I've deemed to be mine, I pull the cover back and then put my pillow next to the headboard. Glancing over at him, I smile before I get in, and pull up the covers. "C'mon Chase with the big cock, get in here."
He busts out laughing, one of those where he throws his head back and laughs until he has to grab his sides. "Chase with the big cock? I did not expect you to say that."
I giggle along with him, resting my head on my palm, propping up on my elbow. "That's one thing about me. I used to be funny, used to be able to find humor in everything. At some point, I lost that, and I've never been sure how to recover it."
He bends at the waist, leaning in. With his finger, he curls it around my chin and pulls my mouth to his. "Well I hope you're starting to get that back, because I really like it."
Smiling at him, I lay back against my pillow. "I like it too. C'mon, let's watch some TV."
Chase is shaking his head as he crawls in next to me. Once he's under the covers, he reaches over and pulls me to his chest. This is exactly where I want to be, where I need to be. With him, and with this, I feel more at home than I have in a long time, maybe ever. Even when I lived with Stanley, I felt like nothing was ever quite right. There was always something I was searching for. It was just out of reach, like if I reached out for it the tips of my fingers would touch it, but wouldn't be able to grab hold. With this man's warm body next to me, I'm grabbing onto it, and it's real. "Next episode?" I ask, holding the remote.
"Yeah, let's do a couple episodes, at least until one of us falls asleep."
He turns the TV on, and I get comfortable, listening to his heart beating under his chest. It's smooth and steady, reminding me that life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon of hopefully events that are smooth and steady. That the bad times which make it seem longer, are just speed bumps. In the middle of those long, emotional times, there are moments like this. The ones that keep us going and remind us that life can be as beautiful as it is heartbreaking. I make a sound against his skin. "I really hope that Jamie and Janko finally admit that they're attracted to each other soon. The chemistry between them is hot."
He dips his chin to his chest. "I kinda think they're chemistry is a bit like ours. Hot enough to burn, but simmering just a little under the surface, coals of ash that glow in the darkness. I know there are times at night when I wake up, dreams interrupting my sleep, that I look over to the wall that shares your room, and I look for that glow."
My stomach trembles as he admits those words. I know it's not easy for him to talk about these things. "I hope you see it when you need it."
"I do," he pushes my hair back and behind my ear. "You've helped me see that I don't have to do everything alone. I got used to it, after my wife died. There was a part of me that never wanted to need another person again, but I do need you."
My heart pounds as I hear what he's saying. "I need you, too."
With a palm behind my neck, he pulls my lips to his, and with a kiss we seal our feelings.
Sixteen
