One
Paisley
Late October
Rain slides against the windshield as a crack of thunder reverberates along the empty field, bouncing off the mountains bordering the property. In the distance, there's a fence row, and I imagine the people who own this land are proud. It seems to be well taken care of, and I hate that I'm going to make an undoubtedly bad memory for the owner. Or whoever finds me.
I fumble with the phone in my hand, fingers trembling as I try to unlock it. Does this really matter? Is it worth it to stop and try to notify someone? Maybe they'll try and stop me. That's not what I want.
"Your family and friends will want to know," I whisper to myself, my bottom lip trembling.
Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with air. My chest has been tight since the first moment I made this decision, but this is my destiny. I don't want to hurt any longer. In my free hand, I hold the cross necklace my grandmother gave me for my fifteenth birthday, praying that I feel peace. But it isn't coming. Calming my racing heart, I attempt to make the call again, this time connecting.
"Blackwood Falls 911, what's your emergency?"
"Can..." I start, but the words won't come. "Can you..."
"Ma'am, what's your emergency? Are you hurt?" The voice is clipped with urgency and professionalism.
I try again. "Can you trace this call?" The words are barely a whisper, hopefully she can hear me.
"Do you mean, can I track where you are?"
"Yes." I bite my bottom lip, trying to hold back the sob that's threatening to break free from my chest. "Can you alert my family where I am? I'm planning on killing myself, and I want them to be able to have my body."
There it is, the pity sigh. The one I've heard every single time I've tried to talk to people about how I feel. No one takes me seriously. "Honey, you don't want to do this. Let me see where you are."
That's where she's wrong. I do. There is nothing left for me in this world. The life I thought I knew has been flipped on it's head. Nothing is recognizable to me anymore. "I'm in a pasture in Blackwood Falls." I lick my dry lips. "Out State Route 15. Please let my family know."
"What's your name?" She asks, acting as if she really wants to connect with me.
It's not like I don't know what she's doing. "My name won't change any of this."
"It will," she continues. "Paisley? Is that your name? That's what's coming back to your phone."
Tears stream down my face. "All I want to know is if you can make sure someone finds me so that my family can have my body." That all sounds so awful, like I don't care about anyone, including myself. The fact is, I care too much, which is why this is happening. My heart can't take it any longer; caring for so many who don't care about me. "Can you please do that?"
"I'm not able to trace you yet, please stay on the line, honey."
She's stalling, I know it, but I don't have the guts to call her on it. Instead, I glance at the rain hitting the windshield. Looking down at the gun in the passenger seat, I roll my lips together. Will I feel it when I pull the trigger, or will I go easily? "I have my location services turned on."
"Can you give me that phone number? Just to make sure I have it?"
I recite my phone number. The same one I've had since I got my first cell at twelve.
"I'm showing you're near Blackwood State Park?"
"Yeah." I swallow hard. "That's where I am."
"Let me say something to you, please listen to me?"
Her voice reminds me of the grandmother I miss so much, of the mom I thought wanted the best for me, but ruined my life. I'm holding onto it as if it's a life jacket in the tumultuous sea of my emotions.
There's the tears again. "O....Okay..."
"I have your location, and if it's what you want, I'll have police come out to recover you, but listen to me first. What you're attempting to do is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I will sit here and talk to you all day, if that's what you need."
Sobbing, I put the phone down on my thigh, trying to get my breath back. No one has offered to do that for me in the past three months I've been struggling. The people in my life who should've noticed? They haven't.
