But what if I didn't succeed? What if they CAN function without me? Then what was the point? All those hundred-hour weeks, all that sacrifice, all the years I have nothing to show forit except money in the bank and a heart that nearly gave out at thirty-six?
I take my midday blood pressure: 145 over 91.
Higher.
By afternoon, I'm pacing the cabin like a caged animal. Hey, there’s my exercise.
I should call Jennifer. Tell her I choose her, choose this, and definitely choose life, but only if she’s in it. She'd come back, and everything would be the same as it was before.
But that's the problem, isn't it? Before wasn’t ideal either. I was here to get healthy, and instead, I skated the rules as much as possible, thinking I could manage the business and my stress all while romancing her. I thought I was the king of multi-tasking, only to realize instead that I’ve been the fool all along.
I’m a man who can't let go of control.
Jennifer was right to leave. Right to make me sit with this alone.
And I hate that she was right.
I try to eat lunch and force down a few bites before giving up entirely. Everything feels trivial compared to the question sitting in front of me.
What do I actually want my life to look like?
Not what should I want. Not what makes logical sense. What do I WANT?
I close my eyes and think about the past three weeks. Really think about them.
The morning walks and making meals together. The quiet moments where we just exist in the same space. The way my chest doesn't hurt anymore. How I started sleeping better. And mostly the way she looks at me like I'm a person, not a portfolio. She was never about what I could do for her or what I could give her. She was simply her kind, generous, and loving self. I could never hope to find a purer person.
Then I think about my life before. The office at 7 a.m., the back-to-back meetings, working dinners, three hours of sleep if I was lucky, and the constant pressure, the endless demands, and the way I was always running but never arriving anywhere that mattered. Yes, I have a huge, almost obscene amount of money, but what good is it really doing me? I wasn’t happy.
I think about lying in a hospital bed three days ago, unable to breathe, certain I was dying. And my first thought wasn't about the company or the deal or my legacy.
It was about Jennifer. About not getting to kiss her or to tell her how much I love her again. More than that, it was not getting the chance to show her how much I loved her.
That's my answer, isn't it?
The company is what I do. Jennifer is the one I want to be with. This life- the slow, healthy, present life- is what I want.
But wanting it isn't enough. Jennifer made that clear. I actually have to do it. Which means I have to figure out how, and she's not there.
I drove her away.
But not permanently, I hope.
I just need to show her that I can change, be the man she needs. I wince thinking about what she told me about her father. How could a man with a loving wife and a beautiful daughter throw it all away?
If I had…
Pausing, it hits me. I could have that.
I blink. Jennifer, children, I could have that type of happiness. It’s not too late for me. As long as blood pumps through my heart, it’s not too late.
I simply need to do what I do best, work towards a goal. And it’s the very best goal, showing the woman I love that she is my everything.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SETH
I spend the rest of the afternoon researching.
