I’ve stomped out of the suite without my wallet or surfboard, which sucks, because I could really use the calm a surf brings right now.
At least I had the forethought to grab my phone, which has the keycard for the room tucked into the case.
I need to put as much distance between me and Warren Gordon as I can. Because in my current frame of mind, if I come face to face with him, I’m not sure I’ll be able to restrain myself.
I head towards the bay, then take a right and power along the clifftops up the headland where there’s a small seat positioned perfectly at the turn of the path to take in the view. A view I can’t even see for the red haze of anger and grief obscuring my vision.
I bring up my text thread with Lil, but can’t bring myself to type anything. I think we both need time for our tempers to de-escalate before we talk again.
I know I shouldn’t have implied this was Lilavati’s fault. Because it’s not. Obviously.
I’m a grown man and should know better than to speak from a place of hurt. But her lack of faith, her lack of recognition that what we’ve become to each other this week is special, gutted me.
I don’t care that Warren attacked me and my character. I couldn’t give a fat flying fuck what a man like him thinks of me. What I care about is what he’s done to Lilavati. Not just today, because that was just the cherry on top. But what he’s done her whole life.
He’s made her feel less than she is. Inferior. Lacking. Unworthy of love. And that feeling is why she believed the twisted half-truths and outright lies that came out of Warren’s mouth. That is something I’ll never forgive.
The fact that he used me—and, let’s face it, my naïveté—to hurt her is something I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for either. Because it was naïve to think that he wouldn’t keep looking, no matter how deep he had to dig, until he found something he could use to hurt me. Hurt her.
Fuck, there’s a lot of blame to go around. Because then there’s Marion. Based on what Lil has told me, once upon a time Marion was a loving mother. I can only assume that years of living with Warren has worn her down. If there hasn’t been emotional, financial and mental abuse in that relationship, I’ll eat my surfboard. It’s no wonder Marion doesn’t stand up to him. And Lilavati is following her lead.
I honestly had no idea, nor any interest in, what Warren did for a living.
This morning’s conversation replays in my head. Over and over. I should’ve told her about my discussions with Ben Carter. About how I’m hoping—expecting—to hear from him any day. But I was shocked. Hurt. I handled the conversation badly. I wanted Lil to believe me without needing proof. To take my side. If she’d given me the slightest inkling she was wavering, that she would take me at my word, I’d have said something. But it was asclear as the waters of Kapalua Bay that she’d believed everything Warren said.
Warren, who has done nothing but gaslight her and erode her confidence all her life. Rather than me, who has done nothing but love her, almost since the moment we met.
The blow to my heart feels like a fatal one. Slow death by sadness and regret.
It takes me a while to calm down enough to think clearly and realise what I need to do. There’s no point in having a therapist for a sister if you don’t use her.
“Why am I just hearing about all this now?” Jocelyn demands once I’ve downloaded my story of woe.
“Oh, excuse me for wanting to have a private life,” I snap back. “I didn’t call for you to tear me a new one, Jos. I called for advice.”
Jos doesn’t falter at my sharp tone. “Well, I’d tell you lying to her in the first place wasn’t the best idea, but you already know that.”
“Thanks for the insight.”
“You can’t expect to overcome years of conditioning in a couple of weeks, Ant. She’ll realise she’s overreacted once she’s had time to calm down.”
“It hurt that she believed him.” There’s no point sugar coating it.
Jos doesn’t answer for a few beats, and when she does, her voice is soft, the way it is when one of her girls is hurting. “Of course it did. And it’s okay to tell her that.”
“I don’t want to make things worse, though.”
“Being honest won’t make things worse. You also need to be very clear—and by that, I mean use your words—about how you feel about her. And give her some grace. She’s probably going to find it difficult to believe. But that’s about her feelings about herself, not about you.”
“I guess I knew that, but it helps to hear it.”
“Give her space, but not too much. From what you’ve said, she’s probably an overthinker. Don’t give her time to create too much noise in her own head.”
That sounds exactly like what Lilavati would do.
“Thanks, Jos.”
“One last thing. Don’t hang onto the hurt.” That sounds like good advice for Lil, too.
