But I laugh, despite how clichéed the question is. And there’s that rush of damp again. Followed by annoyance at myself for falling for what is surely a line. I need to keep this friendly but platonic.
Ant:It was worth a try. Goodnight, Sparky. Sleep well
I text back a sleepy face emoji. There’s silence for a minute. But I don’t put my phone down. For some reason, I’m reluctant to break the connection. Then the screen lights up again.
Ant:Next time we meet, we need to come up with a nickname you can call me. And before you suggest Stud or Handsome, remember how much I dislike pedestrian ideas, no matter how accurate they might be
Me:Goodnight, Ugly
Even though we’re texting, I imagine I can hear him laughing as he reads my text.
Ant:I can work with that
There’s no hope of me getting to sleep now.
I pick up the biography on my bedside table and try to focus. But it’s dry and boring. I grab earbuds and scroll through my phone looking for a podcast. Nope. Nothing of interest.
I toss. I turn. My legs won’t keep still. Until I finally relent and reach into the drawer beside my bed.
I wish I could say I don’t picture blue eyes and tattoos and a rumbling motorcycle. But I do. And faster than I’ve ever been able to climax before, I’m switching off my battery-operated boyfriend and dropping it to the bed beside me. I also wish I could say I feel satisfied. But whilst the physical release has helped, I still yearn for something more.
So much for keeping it platonic, even if it was only in the privacy of my own imagination.
This is bad. Really bad. There’s no circumstance in which he can ever find out what I just did. Because he’d never let me live it down. And I don’t need him playing with me like a cat with a mouse.
Yet, there’s no denying he had my back at dinner. He could have just let Warren’s little digs go, but he didn’t. He saw me, saw my discomfort, and supported me.
Ant Stevens is a player. Ant Stevens is a good guy.
And I’m so confused.
Chapter Twelve
Ant
Icould see on Lilavati’s face that she was expecting me to kiss her on Sunday night. And I wanted to. Badly. But Jesus Christ, this is getting complicated.
I originally agreed to this fake dating arrangement as a bit of a lark, and because I have eyes in my head and wanted to see more—literally and figuratively—of Lil. She struck me as feisty and smart, not to mention hot. And let’s face it, who turns down a week in Hawaii?
Sunday night put a whole different perspective on it.
Lil is so much more than I first thought. She’s fiery and fierce, sure. But she’s also complicated and vulnerable and all the more fascinating because of it. The intensity of the feelings I’m having for her has taken me by surprise.
The Gordon family dynamic is toxic, to say the least. Warren Gordon is exactly the kind of misogynistic, controlling arsehole I despise. He barely even tries to hide it behind a polite façade. The way he speaks to Marion and Lilavati? Well, suffice to say,if my father heard me speaking to a woman—any woman—like that, he’d be having ‘a word’ with me.
It does explain why she’s so reactive, though. The only place she can exercise any power at all is outside the family, and when she feels threatened, in any way, she reacts rather than responds. Yes, with understanding like that, you’d think I’d gone to therapy. I haven’t. My sister is a therapist, though, so that’s my childhood trauma taken care of.
Maybe, given my new understanding of her vulnerability, I shouldn’t have initiated that flirty text exchange with her when I got home. But I’ve never met a woman more in need of validation, or to be truly seen for who she is, than Lilavati Gordon. All of which means, despite the complications, I can’t back out now. And I don’t want to.
Because the thing is, I’ve kind of trapped myself. The more I get to know her, the more I want to delete the fake and run with the dating. I’ve never championed anyone before. Never been interested enough.
This is new territory for me. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends in the past. There were a couple in high school. One a few years ago. But it was never serious. I like my space. My alone time. It’s not something to be proud of, but to be honest, after a couple of dates, I tend to get bored.
And more recently, with two businesses to run, I haven’t had a lot of time to devote to a relationship. Which is doubly true now.
I don’t feel like that with Lilavati. I don’t know if it’s because she has such a busy job, so we haven’t spent much time together. Maybe it’s because the sexual tension is still unresolved. Anyone who’s watched a romcom series knows what happens as soon as the main characters get together. But I don’t think it’s any of that. The truth is, I find the complexities of her personality fascinating. Every time I see her, I’m left wanting more, not less.
Now that I know how vulnerable she is under all the bluster, I’m going to have to tread carefully. I can build her up with flirting, maybe help her see her true worth, but until I’m one hundred percent sure of my own heart, I need to walk a careful line. Because the last thing I want to do is break her heart. Or mine.
