What I’ve never admitted to anyone, barely even to myself most of the time, is that I always felt a certain ambivalence towards having children. Becoming a parent was always Jessie’sdream, and because I loved her, I was happy to go along with it. But had we never had children, it wouldn’t have bothered me unduly. Except for the pain it would’ve caused Jess. That would’ve been something I couldn’t have borne.
The guilt these feelings create is a weight I’ll never be able to shed. The way putting off our wedding until I was awarded my PhD weighs on me. I stole what turned out to be the final years of Jessie’s life because I was selfish. Because I was ambitious. Because I wanted to put off the responsibility of children as long as I could but was too much of a coward to tell her. So, I used my PhD as an excuse. Of course, I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing at the time. But in hindsight it’s clear. And bitter.
I stole her chance at being a mother, even if it would only have been for a few short years.
And then I went and blamed Will for my poor decisions.
There’s no absolving me of that.
Some sound, or sixth sense, must alert Will to my presence because he glances up. His face, which is full of soft joy, breaks into a grin.
“E! You came.”
And there’s such relief in his voice that I feel shame. Shame he ever had reason to doubt that I would. But those are my dark feelings to deal with, not his burden to carry.
I cross the dirt floor slowly, focussing on my feelings of joy for Will and Freyja so I can bring a genuine smile to my face.
“Of course I came.” Will’s arms are too full to allow him to stand, so I drop to my knees beside them, careless of the dirt and hay. “You did this all by yourselves? Didn’t think to maybe call the paramedics or something?”
Will laughs.
“Well, I started it, thought I should finish it,” he quips, earning him an indulgent look from Freyja. Typical Will. His sense ofresponsibility is strong. “As for paramedics. This is Bangalay. We can’t even get a coffee machine delivered on time.”
“Thank you for coming so quickly, Ethan. You didn’t have to drop everything to be here.” Freyja’s green eyes are glowing with happiness.
“What are you talking about? Of course he had to drop everything. We have babies. And not just cow babies this time,” Will teases, dropping a kiss on his partner’s head. He tilts his bundle towards me. “Look. Look what we made.”
A tiny red and wrinkled face topped with a whisp of the trademark Carter red hair blinks up at me with unfocussed eyes. I know how he—or maybe she—feels. I find it impossible not to smile.
“He …?” Will nods. “Is perfect.” I brush a finger across his damp curls. “The force is strong in this one.”
Will and Freyja both laugh. She pushes the towel off their daughter’s head, exposing matching red hair.
“And this one,” she adds, pride in every syllable.
“Gee’s gathering the others, and they’ll be on their way as soon as possible. So. What do you need?”
“You, man. That’s all I need right now.” Tears overflow Will’s already bloodshot eyes. If I know the new Will, these aren’t the first of the day. I don’t miss the subtext of his comment. Will struggled with me being away for so long after Jess died. He’s like Dad. Wants his family together. Close.
“I’m here, Wee. I’m here to stay.” I lean in and hug him as tight as I’m able, given his delicate bundle.
“You ready to get up off this dirt floor and head home, Doctor?” Will asks Freyja after a sniffle and a bit of throat clearing.
“Oh, yeah. I’d love a shower and a cup of tea; thank you, Counsellor.” I smile at their nicknames for each other. Their bond is beautiful to see.
We call Sadie, Diana and Paul into the barn. Sadie and I take the babies while Will and Diana help Freyja to her feet and wrap an old blanket around her. I have no idea where her clothes are, but you can’t birth two babies fully clothed, I guess. And I’m sure they’ll turn up sometime.
We bundle ourselves into the collection of cars. Paul drives Will, Freyja and the babies in Freyja’s vet clinic truck, Diana follows in the VW, and Sadie and I bring up the rear in my car. We creep slowly down the road towards Freyja and Will’s farm. I can imagine Will fretting all the way that the babies aren’t in proper car seats. Fortunately, it’s only a couple of kilometres and no babies or animals are harmed on the trip.
We arrive at Will and Freyja’s place to find their pet kangaroo dozing in the sun on the front doormat, looking for all the world like a guard dog. At the sound of the cars she hops over.
“Hey, Blue. You have a new brother and sister.” Will bends down to show the animal the baby he’s holding. It sniffs curiously, rubs its head against Freyja’s hip, as if checking Freyja is okay, and hops back into a patch of sun on the verandah.
The babies are handed around in confusion as we try to work out who needs to do what. Eventually Freyja holds up a hand.
“Paul, could you go back to the barn and check on the cows? Make sure the calf is feeding okay, and that the placenta was delivered whole. If not, you know what to do. Will, you and Ethan clean up the babies and get them dressed. Diana, could you give me a hand showering? And Sadie”—she looks momentarily at a loss—“you just sit and admire the view,” she finishes with customary, no-nonsense Freyja efficiency.
“How about I make some tea and sandwiches for everyone?” Sadie suggests.
