On the short drive to the city, Claire gets straight to the point. “What are you up to? You seem—well, I’d almost say happy. But I’m not sure I know what happy looks like on you.” Which reminds me of Mandy’s recent comment.
“I’m not up to anything. Life is going well right now, that’s all.”
Claire turns in her seat and studies my profile. “It’s her, isn’t it? Lulu the decorator? You’re seeing her!”
I’d almost forgotten I had confided in Claire after the first time Lulu and I slept together.
“Yes.” I frown as we pull up at some lights. “We’re … well, I’m not entirely sure what we are, to be honest.”
“Whatever you are, it seems to be agreeing with you. I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Don’t get excited. Whatever it is, it’s just casual.” Which doesn’t feel right. Things with Lulu feel anything but casual, despite what we’ve both said.
Claire sees something on my face which gives me away. “Hmm. I’m not buying that.”
“She’s been very clear she’s not interested in a relationship. She’s also not the right woman for me.”
“The smile on your face earlier suggests maybe she could be.”
“Lulu is different. She’s warm and open-minded and passionate. I can’t begin to picture her as the wife of a partner at CPM. It’s not even that she couldn’t fit it. Buy why would she want to? I can’t imagine Lulu wanting that life for herself.Idon’t even want that life.” Well, that slipped out without me intending to say it. I put it down to the Lulu effect.
“If you don’t like your life, then change it. You’re more than what Mum and Dad wanted you to be. Dad isn’t here anymore. You don’t have to keep living up to his legacy and that stupid promise or whatever bullshit you’re telling yourself.”
“Don’t pull any punches, Claire—tell me what you really think.”
“Oh, I will. I hate seeing you try to live up to the impossible standards of a man who isn’t even here to see it. You’ve succeeded. You’ve proved yourself. Isn’t it time you started doing what makesyouhappy?” She pauses only long enough to suck in a ragged breath. “And if Lulu makes you happy—go for it. Fuck what Mum thinks. And fuck what Dad would’ve said. This is your life. Not theirs.”
“I wish it were that easy, Claire. I have responsibilities. I can’t simply walk away and reinvent myself.”
“Yes. You can.” We drive in silence for a few blocks, the only sound being Claire’s occasional loud sighs. “I only say this because I love you, Nick, and I want you to be happy.” The scary thing is, right now I am happy—with Lulu.
“I know, Claire-Bear.” I use the nickname I gave her as a child, letting her know I’m not angry. “And I appreciate it. Let me think about it, okay? Anyway, enough about me—how are you? I’m not buying all the sanitised shit you gave Mum earlier about how hard you’re working at uni.” She appears tired and a little down.
“You know me. I’m great. Always the life of the party.”
“Yes, I do know you, which is why I’m asking.” Claire has struggled to find her place in the world. “Are you even still at uni?” Last time we spoke, she was struggling through the first year of the third degree she has started, none of which have been completed.
“Well, no. Not as such. It just wasn’t me, you know? But don’t tell Mum. At least until I work out what it is I’m going to do.”
“Of course I won’t tell Mum. But I worry about you not having any direction.” Dad left us both with a sizeable trust fund, so Claire doesn’t need to earn a living. But she’s bright and smart and full of energy, and she needs somewhere to direct her talent other than clubbing.
“I know. But I’m fine. Honestly. I’ll work it out. Eventually.” A rueful grin crosses her face.
“You know I’m always here if you need a sounding board or a shoulder, don’t you?”
Claire drops her head to my shoulder, patting my upper arm. “Yeah, I know. Gotta love a dysfunctional family, huh?”
We laugh as I let her out into a crowd at the front of a thumping, pulsing club in Kings Cross. We’ve had the conversation about her hanging out in places like this, but she’s an adult, and I don’t want to ruin the mood further, so I let it go.
Without a second thought, I head to Lulu’s loft. Tonight has been unsettling, to say the least, and maybe I should go home and process what Mum said. But Lulu is like a drug, and I’m a hopeless addict.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lulu
Nickcomesinfromdinner with his mother in a strange mood, and maybe I’m in a strange mood too. Part of me is relieved he didn’t ask if I’d like to go with him. Meeting his mother would take us into actual relationship territory.
But another part of me is a little hurt. We’ve spent almost every night together since this started, so if it’s not a relationship, I don’t know what is. Maybe for him, this is purely physical. Or maybe we’re both using our sexual chemistry to hide behind. But sometimes, when I catch him looking at me, his expression all soft, I just don’t know. Having a conversation about it would be the right thing to do, but I don’t know how to bring it up. And I don’t honestly know what I want his answer to be. I’ve spent my whole life avoiding getting involved. Putting a label on this feels very scary. So, I don’t ask.
