“Do you think maybe it’s a little too early to be worrying about what this might or might not be?”
“Exactly. It’s way too early. So why am I thinking like this?”
“Maybe because, despite claiming the two of you are so different, you can see potential?”
“Perhaps I should break it off now? You know, to be safe.”
Her warm hand covers mine “Oh, sweetie.” The look she had been skewering me with goes soft. “I get it. I do. But you can’t live your whole life avoiding connecting with anyone in case you get hurt. Relax and enjoy it for what it is.”
But I have very good reason to be scared.
“You know what happened to Dad. It broke him. For such a long time.”
“And I bet if you asked him, he would say he wouldn’t give up one day with your mum, despite how it ended. Have you ever raised it?”
“No. How could I even ask him? He never talks about her. I can’t bring it up. It would break his heart all over again.”
“Maybe. But maybe he’d like the chance to talk. Maybe he doesn’t bring her up for fear of upsetting you. And there you both are, suffering in silence.”
She’s right, of course. I’d be the first to tell anyone to be honest and open. But there are some things too painful to touch. I feel like my mum’s memory has been put in Pandora’s Box, and if I open it, all sorts of chaos will be unleashed. Dad took years to recover from the loss, and I can’t bear to see him like that again.
“None of this is helping me right now. What do I do?” My voice sounds so whiny I wince. I’m not a whiner. Ever.
“I think you already know the answer to that.” And she’s right. I do. What I think I should do is run far and fast. But this time I will take her advice and enjoy it while it lasts. Because honestly? I don’t think I could walk away if I tried.
Chapter Nineteen
Nick
“You’reinasuspiciouslygood mood again today.” Mandy gives me the side eye as she leaves my office after our regular morning progress meeting. “Who are you planning on taking down, and for whom?”
“I beg your pardon? I don’t take people down. Well, not unless they deserve it. Can’t a man be in a good mood without being up to something?”
“Other men, yes. You? No. You’re definitely up to something.” I can almost see the wheels turning in her head.
“Hmmph. I didn’t realise I was that ruthless.”
“Yes, you did. You take great pride in it. But this seems different. You almost seem … No. That can’t be it.”
“What can’t be it?”
“If I didn’t know you, I’d say you’re, well, relaxed.”
“That won’t last long if this interrogation continues. Rather than being suspicious, perhaps you should accept I am, in fact, in a good mood and enjoy it while it lasts?”
“Whilst waiting for the axe to fall,” she mutters as she leaves, snapping the door behind her. That gets a laugh out of me.
Mandy’s comment about me taking pride in being ruthless circles for a while. I know I’m a tough negotiator but have never thought I went so far as to be ruthless. Maybe it’s true, but is it my natural inclination or was it bred into me by my father? I feel like I’m late to the party when it comes to knowing who I truly am. My father’s death has cast my whole life in a different light, and I’m not sure I like it.
As it happens, my good mood lasts all day, and unlike Mandy, I don’t need to wonder why. The only cloud in my uncharacteristically blue sky is I didn’t arrange another date with Lulu. Although, given our agreement, I shouldn’t call it that.
I’m aware Lulu will be popping in and out of the office from here on out and know I will have to take care to avoid her. Mandy has a suspicious mind, and I feel like if she sees us together, she’ll know something is going on.
I spend any spare moment during the afternoon wondering how soon is too soon. By the time I leave the office, my impatience has won out. I drop by my apartment, pack a small overnight bag—yes, it’s presumptuous, but a good boy scout is always prepared—and head over to Lulu’s.
Me: Are you at home?
Lulu: Yes ?
