“What the fuck happened?”
I shake my head as I slouch back. “Maggie was stabbed. She said it was her ex.” Bolting up straight, I gesture aggressively. “How the fuck did he get out of jail?”
“I don’t know, man. Let’s just focus on Maggie. Have you gotten an update?”
“No, they’re checking.”
“Alright, I’ll be right back.”
My head drops back and bangs against the wall, eyes closing. Rubbing my chest, my heart thuds inside, and I have never hated it more. How fair is it for my heart to keep beating when I have no idea if Maggie’s is doing the same? I don’t deserve this heartbeat. Or the breath in my lungs. I’m fucked up. I’ve killed people. I’ve gotten people killed. I couldn’t save my mom from being murdered.
What kind of backwards world do we live in that karma didn’t take me out instead of her?
My eyes pop open.
What if this is my karma? What if the universe gave me someone so wonderful and so perfect for me to make me more hopeful and happier than I’ve ever felt in my life, only to rip it away from me in the most brutal way? So that I would have to live with the memory of the love of my life bleeding out in my arms because I didn’t do enough to protect her?
Living seems so much worse than death.
I’m unsure if it is the adrenaline crash or what, but all the emotions that had been ripping through my body start to fade, and I just start to feel…numb.
“She’s in surgery. They’re going to come get us in just a few minutes to take us up to the waiting room.”
I roll my head on the wall to look at Jack. His assessing and unsettled gaze bores into me.
“There was so much blood.”
Jack sits down, leans forward, and clasps his hands between his widespread knees. “Carlos told me it was bad.”
I stare up at the dirty ceiling tiles again and try to take a full breath. “I didn’t know what to do. I just keep putting pressure on her stomach, but I don’t know how much that actually helped.”
Jack looks back at me, brow furrowed. “You did all you could, man. And you were right by her side. That’s all that matters right now.”
“I think this was my fault,” I practically whisper.
Jack whips his head in my direction. “How could this possibly be your fault?”
My eyes squeeze shut, as if that could erase all the memoriesof the last hour. My mind moves to happier ones from earlier in the evening. Maggie telling me she loves me. Us having the best sex we’ve ever had when we got home from the wedding. My eyes fly open when a thought occurs to me that makes my blood run cold and bile threaten to leave my stomach. Voice haunted, I confess, “I don’t think I set the alarm when we got home.”
With a sad shake of his head, he says, “Ian, you cannot blame yourself. If he wanted to do this, he would find the opportunity. The way I see it, thank goodness it was done at your house. Because you were there in minutes and were able to get her help. Think what could’ve happened if you weren’t with her.”
I roll my lips inward and bite down, wanting to cause any amount of pain to myself to maybe take away some of Maggie’s. I appreciate Jack’s words, but the guilt and devastation I feel make it hard for me to accept them.
“Excuse me, is one of you Ian Murray?”
Both Jack and I leap to our feet. The nurse’s confused gaze darts back and forth.
I raise my hand. “Uh, that’s me.”
Confusion is replaced with a grim smile. “Come on with me. Your friend can come, too. Once we get your wife more stabilized, a doctor will come to the waiting room and give you an update.”
Jack bumps my elbow with his as we follow her through the doors. He mouthsWife?
I shrug, not wanting to explain the white lie in front of the nurse taking us upstairs. None of us says a word for the rest of the trek through the hospital to the surgery waiting room.
When we arrive, she gestures to a small room after walking us down a long hall. “Here we go. Just have a seat in here. There’s coffee, water, and a few snacks in theroom next door.” She points to the door to the left of the waiting room. “I can’t tell you exactly when a doctor will be out, but as soon as they’re able, they’ll come talk to you.”
I manage a nod of gratitude and enter the room, taking a seat and resuming the position I was in just a few minutes before, with my head tipped back against the wall.
