As painful as her words are, there’s no denying she’s correct.
Before I can respond, she continues. “That being said, while I disagree with the delivery, I’m glad something finally pushed him enough to get help. Even before he asked me for help, I could tell there was pain and grief weighing him down in ways the other men in his life have managed to overcome for the most part.”
Tears gather on my lashes, thinking about everything Ian has told me about his past. The thought of him being haunted by any of that shatters my heart. I sniff and say, “I don’t like that this is what got him here, but I’m glad he has you.”
Pamela’s smile is sympathetic, and she hands me a box of tissues. “Now that we have that out of the way, what brings you in?”
I blow out a breath after wiping my nose and dabbing at my eyes. “I’m in Witness Protection because I’m testifying in a murder trial, and the defendant is my ex-boyfriend. I’m having nightmares about the murder. And other things thatI experienced in our relationship.” I spend the next twenty minutes relaying to her the condensed version of what’s happened over the last six years of my life.
When I finally finish, Pamela is staring at me, her mouth slightly ajar, her pen suspended above her paper mid-tap.
“Well, goddamn. Aren’t you and Ian just a match made in trauma-laden heaven?”
I bark out a laugh.
Pamela just shrugs. “Being able to say shit like that is my little treat to myself for my lapse in ethics.”
“You’ve earned it,” I say with a smile, grateful to have a reprieve from the heaviness that is my life and my memories.
Growing serious again, Pamela asks, “Considering, this is going to sound like a dumb question, but indulge me... What impacts you the most about all of this?”
“The most?” I roll my shoulders, trying to pinpoint the one thing on the long list of things that’s most prevalent. “I’ll be honest, there are two that come to mind, and I’m not sure I could pick which is the most.”
She inclines her head for me to continue.
“Letting down my family, then losing them. And feeling like I don’t deserve anything good in life now because of what I’ve done.”
“Including Ian?”
“Definitely Ian. And Ella and Olive. Really, everyone that I’ve met since moving here. I’m so grateful for these relationships, even if I’m afraid that if they knew the truth, they might change their minds. But it makes me feel guilty that any good has come out of this situation.”
Pamela nods, and her face turns thoughtful. “But what if they didn’t change their minds? What if they’d react just like Ian has and embrace you even harder, despite everything?”
I lick my lips and stare at the ceiling, collecting my thoughts. “My family already knows some of what I’ve done, not everything, but some. I don’t think I can take more people knowing.”
“I’m not suggesting you tell them. For legal purposes, that might not be advisable. But what I am saying is, why not approach your new relationships with the possibility that they would react just like Ian did and not judge you? Release yourself from some of the guilt that whispers to you that you don’t deserve them or happiness. I might be biased, but this is a pretty exceptional group of people. And I’m beginning to suspect that includes you.”
Dabbing at my eyes, I shake my head. But Pamela holds up her hand to stop me.
“Regardless of what you’ve done or beenforcedto do, you are more than that. Those actions do not define you. You’ve been given a chance at a new life. Literally. Let old Maggie go. She served a purpose, but now, you have a bigger one.”
I inhale a shaky breath, tears streaming down my face. “I do kind of like new Maggie.”
With an encouraging smile, Pamela says, “Good, you should. There seem to be quite a few people who do, too.” Somberness changes her tone when she says, “I know that doesn’t help with losing your family. My heart hurts for you. I lost my parents differently, but lost them all the same. And that pain is one that lingers for longer than you think possible. However, I did have my siblings to help me through it. I don’t know how all of that works with Witness Protection, but I hope that there’s a way to have even the slightest relationship with them at some point.”
I blow my nose. “I hope so, too.”
“Now, let’s talk about some techniques for preventing these nightmares.”
By the time Ian knocks at the door, I have some wonderful tips on my nightmares and a newfound hope that my life might turn out okay after all.
The hug I give Pamela when we leave is long and heartfelt. She sacrificed a lot to help both me and Ian, and my only wish is that we can repay her someday.
Walking back to the car, hand-in-hand, I sip my coffee and enjoy the evening air dancing around us. Today didn’t fix all my problems, but it brought me a lot of solace.
Starting tomorrow, I’m going to fully embrace being the new Maggie, with Ian and my friends by my side.
34
