The knot in my stomach loosens as we move on to other topics. Ella asks Olive how her brother is doing, and Olive explains to me that he’s in rehab and everything that happened over the last few months with him. It’s evident in the way she talks about him how much she loves her brother. It makes me miss my siblings even more.
I wonder what they’re up to. My brother is the baby of the family and just graduated from high school. My sister, who’s only three years younger than my thirty-six, used to joke that my brother had three moms.
“I’m so glad he’s doing well,” Ella says, giving Olive a tight hug. She sets Olive back from her and smiles brightly. “Let’s get these burgers and hot dogs outside so Jack can start grilling. Today’s going to be a great day.”
Taking a bite of my burger,I try not to choke as I laugh at a story Jack’s cousin, Becky, who’s also Tyler’s mom, is telling us from Jack’s later teenage years. His cheeks are an adorable shade of pink. Ella is simultaneously comforting him and egging Becky on. The way he’s looking at Ella makes my broken heart hurt a little with bitterness at my life preventing me from having that.
Movement beside me has me grabbing my napkin and wiping my mouth so I can greet whoever is about to sit down next to me. When I turn, my heart goes from hurting to racing. Ian has a small, hesitant smile on his full lips as he places his plate on the table and settles into the chair.
When I see the amount of food on his plate, my eyebrows shoot up. “Is that therestof the food in the house on your plate?”
His chuckle hits me right between the legs. “Nope, we all learned our lesson long ago. Between all of us guys, we always make an excessive amount of food.”
“I did notice how much was out. I was wondering how many more people were showing up.” With his eyes on me, I take another bite of my burger.
“What can I say? We love to eat.” The intensity of his stare and his low, deep voice have goosebumps forming down my arms despite the heat of the thick air around us.
That simple statement has the time he bent me over my dining room table pinging through my mind in vivid detail.It takes a significant amount of effort to swallow my food. He finally looks down at his plate and shovels a forkful of food into his mouth. His expression tells me he knows exactly where my mind went.
We’re silent for a few moments before he clears his throat. “Mags, I want to say I’m sorry.”
I turn my head in his direction, suddenly feeling nervous. “What exactly are you sorry for?”
He sighs and leans back in his chair, running his palm over his short hair in frustration. “I don’t know. Everything. I feel like every time I see you, I make this worse between us, and I hate it.”
Reaching over, I grip his corded forearm, ignoring the explosions in my cells at the contact. Knowing this is inadequate for how I feel, but needing to get it out anyway, I say, “This isn’t just on you. I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am, too.”
The pain that weaves its way around my heart lessens somewhat at this interaction. I don’t know what to do with it or with him, but our apologizing for what has happened feels like…something. Something big that I can’t quite name, but I’m grateful for, nonetheless. There are so many things to consider when it comes to us, but even the fear of being on my own and unprotected feels minuscule compared to continuing to hurt Ian when he’s done nothing to deserve it.
His eyes bore into me while his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. He breaks his gaze and leans forward to take another bite of food. When he swallows, he juts his chin toward my glass of wine. “I’m surprised that isn’t an iced coffee.”
I bark out a laugh. “I had one on my way over.” I pause,rolling my lips. “And that was following my full pot I had this morning.”
He shakes his head with a chuckle. “I have no idea how you manage to sleep with all that caffeine.”
“I think my body’s just acclimated to a certain level of caffeination now that it knows what it needs to do. Trust me, you don’t want to see me without my normal amount of coffee. You’d be running for the hills.”
One side of his lips lifts into a small smile. “I don’t know. I feel like it would take more than that.”
My jaw drops in surprise, stomach flipping. Before I can form an acceptable response, Tyler calls Ian’s name.
“Ian, come play cornhole. I need you on my team so I can beat these assholes. They’ve decided we need to put money on this.”
Ian and I both turn to find Tyler, Nate, and Jack standing near the back of the yard where they set up the game.
Ian groans, and I throw him a questioning look. “What? You don’t like cornhole?”
He shakes his head. “I like it just fine. But when there’s money involved, Nate and Jack get insanely competitive. Even if it’s five dollars, they take it very seriously, no matter the dollar amount.”
“Well, I hope you win. Keep ’em humble.”
He eyes me as if he is trying to puzzle something out.
“What?” I ask cautiously, biting the inside of my lip.
He drapes his arm over the back of my chair and leans in closer, his warm breath tickling my skin. “How about we put our own wager on it?”
“Our own wager?” I repeat on a breath.
