We climb into the waiting SUV with the rest of the flight crew. I’m thankful when Cade lets the topic of my nonexistent hookup go. By the time we check in and get to our rooms, it’s almost two in the afternoon, and I’m anxious to call Benny.
The phone rings three times before he answers, his voice filled with sleep. “Hello?”
“Hi, it’s me. I just got to my room, so I wanted to call and see how you’re doing.”
I hear rustling in the background. It isn’t unusual for him to stay up all night and sleep well into the afternoon. He’s been trying to get on a more regular sleep schedule, but sometimes, his body won’t cooperate. “I’m fine. Couldn’t sleep last night. I’m glad you called and woke me up. I wanted to go to a meeting tonight.”
The worry weighing me down lightens a little. Benny is proactively going to a meeting without me badgering him to do it, which is progress. “I’m glad to hear that. I can let you go. I just wanted to call. Let me know if you need anything. I think I’ll eat dinner at the hotel tonight, so I’ll be available.”
“Thanks, Oli. Have a good night.”
I lie back on the bed when we hang up. I’ve spent most of my life preparing for the next crisis. I always have a plan A, B, C, D, and E. My brother’s health is one thing that I’ve never been able to plan for. As much as I’ve tried desperately over the years, no plan is ever good enough. It doesn’t stop me from trying, but the anxiety that comes from always having to pivot keeps my nervous system in overdrive.
I remember when I first realized his partying had become something much more serious. We had been living on our own for two years. He was twenty, and I was twenty-five. I had already become a flight attendant and was doing everything possible to provide for us. One night, I came home exhausted from an international flight and found him strung out on the couch. Some unknown man passed out in my bed. I lost it. I was screaming at both of them, and the man ran from our apartment. Unfortunately for Benny, he had to sit and listen to me for the next hour. I wasn’t evensure how much of that he remembered later. He was still high from whatever drug combo they had consumed the night before.
After washing all my sheets and blankets and letting Benny sleep off his intoxication, we had a long conversation about his drug usage. He admitted this was far from an isolated event. I was shocked to learn that he was spending almost the entire time I was gone on a flight, high as a kite. I didn’t have the money to send him to an official rehab, but he started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings, which is where he first met his sponsor, James. Not that it mattered when I finally had the money, because even when I was able to send him to either outpatient or inpatient rehab, it was never long before he relapsed again.
I think the longest he’s gone is nine months. I can still remember the elation and hopefulness I felt after about three months. I hadn’t felt that in maybe forever. I really thought everything was going to turn around for us. Our life, and selfishly, my life, was going to blossom into something that I could only dream of until that point.
And then it all blew up in my face. And we were right back where we started.
I’m hesitant to admit that he appears to be coping better this time than he has in the past after he left inpatient care. He’s more confident, determined, and optimistic than I’ve probably ever seen him. But I keep telling myself not to get too optimistic because it hurts even more when things don’t work out like I want them to.
I sigh as I push myself up to sit. I have no control, so I need to not dwell on the unknown future and try to keep my spirits up.
I could use a distraction.
Not in the form that Cade might suggest. Well, part ofme wouldn’t be totally opposed. But I can’t handle that right now. At the very least, I need to eat dinner outside of my room. With people.
Dinner in the hotel bar seems like the best option tonight.
Maybe I can find some good conversation to keep my mind occupied.
6
Nate
As I climb out of the SUV, my body reminds me of every thirty-nine years I’ve lived. My back is killing me.
After we arrived at the hotel earlier today and Jenny changed clothes and freshened up, we headed to the venue. The show is tomorrow, but she needed to do some prep work and sound checks tonight.
Once that was over, Jenny asked to go out for an early dinner and drinks. Ian and I stood by as she and her team ate and drank for hours. By the time they were done, my feet were aching, and I was starving.
I need to get Jenny into her room and settled, then I can have some time to myself.
Ian and I walk a few steps behind the group as we cross the lobby.
“I think I’m going to come down to the bar and getsomething to eat, if you want to come with me,” Ian comments as he glances around the lobby.
I shift my eyes over at the bar as we pass, steps faltering as I spy a cascade of shiny black hair.
Olive.
“Yeah, I’ll come with you,” I answer as I crane my neck to get a better look.
Ian snorts next to me. “Yeah, I guess youwillcome with me.”
“Shut your goddamn mouth,” I murmur, still craning my neck.
