Chapter 12
Loki
Roaming the earth in search of my love and not finding her for one-hundred years is one thing but knowing exactly where she is located and how she tastes while purposely staying away is much different. Old me would have told her the only separation she was getting was her going to sit her ass in another room. But the-god who’s more in tune with human emotions-part of me knows that she’s in a mortal body and is far more sensitive than a goddess. We all have our flaws and dispositions. I was hers; she’d adhere herself to me even when it was best to run the other way. And for me, I annoyingly give her whatever she asks even if I don’t agree.
Like now, she asked me to go away and meant it when she said. I can only come back if she asks and means it. My plan was to return her memories gradually so it wouldn’t hurt as much, but she wanted them all and now. A full download is painful, but she must endure it on her own. It’s what she wanted.
The first night hurt. She cried for all the heartache she’d forgotten. I didn’t completely shut off our connection but now I can only hear her if she’s in true distress or needs-not want-me. Otherwise, I’ll have to honor her desire to be free of me until she makes her decision. She’s human now and has free will. There is no in between anymore. Either she loves me, or she doesn’t.
Lying back in foliage I stare at the sky. I don’t know when I’ll return to the penthouse, it all depends on Sigyn. Now, she cannot have free access to me just because she feels like it. Pregnant or not it doesn’t work that way which is why plenty of demi-gods wandered earth wondering about their godly parents.
She has the power to change that fate, but not to sound like a broken record, it requires faith. I frown as I replay her words from a week ago.
“You doubt me just as much. You don’t give me the chance to know all the facts and decide! You skew it in your favor. I deserve to know the ugly truth, and to have my husband be open and honest with me. You want me to have faith in your love, but what about your faith in mine? I’d rather know everything, and I want you to leave me alone until I decide!”
Her perception hurts. I’ve never tried to deceive her. I am tricky, but not with her. I wanted her love to be just as pure as mine which is why I revealed myself to her on our wedding night when she still had a chance to back out.
Maybe it’s for the best, this way she’ll know I’ve always had faith in her love. She’s been my source of unconditional love and has proven it a thousand-times over.
Who shelves the grief of witnessing her child being ripped apart by the other to make sure her husband was “comfortable?”
She did and every one of my efforts to push her away failed. Shaking away the memory, I decide to listen to music to ease my inner turmoil. Imust leave her as a mortal to deal with her own problems. I’m not unreasonable. I left behind a breadcrumb in her brain. When it’s time, she’ll know without a doubt that I didn’t abandon her. She willed me away.
I choose Motown since it is lively. “Ain’t no Mountain” floats in the breeze and I find myself frowning. Everything Marvin says reminds me of our current situation. Next. “I Want You” isn’t any better. Marvin Gaye is not going to work today. Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes is not for me either “I Miss You” is out of line. I feel officially betrayed by Motown when Al Green’s “I’m So Tired of Being Alone” comes on. Sitting up I shake my head.
I cannot work through my issues like mortals. It never works. Rising, I walk naked across the beach and into the ocean. I morph into a sea creature as I sink, then swim off to a destination unknown.
∞∞∞
Sigyn
I’m a goddess. Something I should have deduced since Iam...I mean, Loki, was clear from the beginning that he is a god. Still, there’s so much to process that I don’t know how long I've been in the same spot. I’ve seen the sun rise and set a few times, but my mind bounces from memory to memory both good and tragic trying to put it all together.
Blinking, I look around trying to reconnect with reality as I know it. Empty plates and food containers clutter the floor around me. At least I ate on autopilot. So much tragedy. I shudder from the memories. Opting to focus on anything else, I uncurl from my fetal position and rise from the floor. I check out again as I clean the mess, but my next breakdown occurs when the warm water from the shower hits my skin.
Flashes of Loki being fished out of the ocean by Thor with murder in his eyes attack me. I’d felt so helpless when they all ganged up on him…
I must have blanked out again because the water is cold by the time I finish my shower. I don’t know what I want. My mind still needs to process but my body craves his touch. It gets worse with each passing day. Worse than when I used to see him daily. There’s no one to talk to because not even Kizzy will be able to fathom me being a reincarnated goddess.
The pain of my thoughts and frustration of my desire lures me to his penthouse. The door is locked, and my key no longer works. I knock and it feels hollow. I wait and try again. Nothing. Tearing up, I keep knocking until the knocks turn into pounding and kicking. The door doesn’t budge when I grab the knob and shake it as hard as I can. Panicking, I yell as I punch and kick the door one last time. Sobbing, I slide down the door and wrap my arms around my knees and drop my head.
He’s gone. He left me.
I didn’t abandon you. This is the path you chose.
I look around because he’s not talking to me, yet the thought is there. It’s not like the other times. I don’t feel him. The lack of his presence is worse than not remembering the past. He was right about one thing. He didn’t lie. I loved him to the end of my memories despite the bad. There wasn’t anything for him to personally gain by being the gatekeeper of my memories. I’m still mad at him. He carried the burden of our memories alone. Loki always wanted to do the hard stuff himself and shelter me from it. I know now that this was another version of it.
Towards the end, he’d become distant and less of the Loki I knew but I could feel him enough to know that he believed we’d be better off without him, a fate that wasn’t acceptable to me. I wanted to be his true partner and a shoulder for him. He knew I couldn’t do that if he left me in the dark.
We argued a day before he disappeared. I’d told him he wasn’t allowing me to be an effective wife if he continued to shield me from the big things. I wouldn’t be a good place for comfort or empathy if I didn’t know what was going on. He left the next day. Everything went down from there.
Some of the gods grabbed my boys and me and took us to a cave far away from home. We were scared but I held them close to comfort their weeping bodies. I’d heard about Loki’s most recent trick and we wept for Baldr as requested despite him being a spoiled bully. He’d tried one time too many to seduce me behind Loki’s back. Once the gods started their game, Loki used Hod-Baulder’s blind brother-to throw the only item that was deadly to Baldr at him.
Baldr was supposed to be Odin’s successor but would have been a terrible leader. The gods were angry and so out of blood that he’d even killed Hod although he didn’t know what he was doing. The boys and I were treated like trash when Loki disappeared. I know he did it to protect us, but the others would not let it drop.
The boys cried out when Loki was dragged in beat up and bruised thus feeding my growing hate for the rest of them. No one cared about the mistreatment of my stepchildren: He was banished to rule the underworld, Fenrir was prodded and chained up, and Jormungandr was left to circle Midgard. All by Odin’s word. Plus, Odin rides around on Loki’s other son like an asshole yet he wanted to be sore over the loss of a child?
Unfortunately, since the hypocrite is the All Father, I didn’t have enough power to stop the rest of Asgard, or undo anything that’s happening to my family. I didn’t birth Vali, but he clings to me since I’m the only mother he’s known.
