“Perhaps that is why the dreams continue,” she said. “My mama always says we are bound to each other by invisible cords. When there is no longer someone at the end of that cord, we feel at a loss. You never got the chance to say goodbye to ease that helpless feeling. It’s why we often sit with the dead for a night before we bury them…” Her voice lowered. “It’s why my mother insisted we sit with my father.”
Alan closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cabinet. Today was the anniversary of her father’s death. How could he have been so cruel?
She shifted, letting go of his arm. Perhaps she’d finally gained back her good sense and would leave him as she ought. But her hands settled on either side of his face. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
She kneeled beside him, her expression somber. “Stop.”
His brow scrunched. “Stop what?”
“Berating yourself.” Her gaze was just as direct as her command. “I did not speak of my father for you to castigate yourself. Nor does it do any good for you to continue carrying fault for Harvey’s or your father’s deaths when a hundredcircumstances contributed. But mostly I want you to stop telling yourself all these lies.”
“I am not a liar, Grace.”
“Not to everyone else, but you tell yourself lies every day.”
He started to shake his head, but she held it remarkably still with her hands.
“Do not dismiss me,Lord Gladsby.”He’d never heard such steel in her voice. “No matter how much you tell yourself you are a monster, you are not. You are a man of honor and valor. You could have easily blamed Prudence for startling you, but you took full responsibility. In the wake of your father’s death, you rushed home to take care of your sister and family estate. And I have it on good authority from your sister that you regularly visit Mr. Smith’s mother and father and secured positions for his younger brothers.”
She relaxed her hold, allowing one of her thumbs to trail along his jaw. He didn’t deserve her touch, but the tingle left in the wake of her soft fingers heightened his awareness and soothed his pain.
“What of my bouts of madness? How will you explain those away?”
The seriousness of her gaze lightened, and a sparkle returned to her eyes. “Are you speaking of the days you avoid everyone, like a troll hiding under his bridge?”
That brought a smile to his lips. “A troll, is it? Do trolls get so nervous they can’t help but reach for their knives at every noise?”
“You tell me. You’re the first troll I’ve come in contact with.” She smirked.
He chuckled. How had she done it? The weight of the world had been ready to crush him and somehow, she’d lifted it with her nimble fingers. Her thumb brushed against his skin againand the hair stood up on the back of his neck. How could such a tiny movement soothe and excite him all at once?
He reined in his desire, knowing he had one more thing to say. In a far too husky voice, he said, “I struggle to control my fears for days after one of my dreams. I jump at every movement, ready to defend myself. For the last two years, I’ve been terrified I would hurt someone, and today… I did.” She released his face and he lowered his chin, not wanting to look at her.
Voices filtered in through the open door as someone crossed through the echoing court area below. He couldn’t distinguish the owners, but one was male and the other female. Grace should leave. How would he explain their position on the floor or his red, swollen eyes?
Reaching into his pocket, he extracted a handkerchief and mopped at the moisture on his face.
“And now that it has happened, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.
“I’m going to have Gibbons lock up my knives. If I cannot reach them, then no one else will get hurt. At least that is my hope.”
“That sounds perfectly logical to me, and not at all what a madman would do. Alan, we all have fears we must learn to control. Yours just happen to be stronger than most.”
“But—”
She placed a finger over his lips, giving his mind time to catch up with the fact that she’d used his given name multiple times, just as he’d used hers. The breach of etiquette should have been insulting to both of them. Instead, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.
He relaxed under her touch, and without thinking, kissed the finger against his lips. She pulled it back in surprise and he chastised himself for being the same impulsive boy he’d alwaysbeen. One moment he’d been pushing her away and the next he’d kissed her. Would he ever think before he acted?
She deserved better than this, and as much as he wanted Grace, he didn’t feel worthy to have her.
Straightening his position, he tried to stand, but two hands landed on his shoulders, holding him down.
“Wait.” Her gaze burrowed into his as she searched his face. “A highly respected man once told me to be brave.” A tenuous smile pushed through his defenses at the reference to their earlier conversation and she continued. “As he said, I have a tendency to place the needs of others above my own, to stay quiet when I should speak up.”
Her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard, the words seeming to take every last bit of her courage. If only he could ease the trepidation he saw on her face.
She suddenly released him and sat back on her heels.
