“Not responding to you is one of my single biggest regrets in this life, Amara. I just—” I look around, threading my fingers through my hair and pulling with frustration. “I was so overwhelmed with shame. I didn’t know how to make anyone happy. Grandpa was withering away by the month. He wanted me to play football. That was it. He just wanted towatch me play,but he was dying little by little every day. We were losing him, and there was so much pressure to keep going with my academics and with football and Natalia—” My eyes squeeze shut as I look up at the sky. “Natalia was taking care of him, and I felt so god damn guilty. It was too much. I saw her wither away, too. She was miserable. Watching him like that every day. Dealing with every emergency. Having to make decisions that no one should have to make because he wanted to be home.” I sob. “I’m her big brother. I’m supposed to be fixing everything. But she put her whole life on pause so that I could go to college and play football. So that I could make my grandfather proud, and he didn’t even make it.”
“She wanted?—”
“It doesn’t matter what she said she wanted,” I cry. “She wasn’t supposed to do that on her own. And I was off running around, trying to figure out how to make it all work. I read every single letter of yours, do you know that?”
She shakes her head.
“I read every single letter, over and over, remindingmyself of how much I fucked up. I wouldn’t let myself forget it. But the longer I went on without answering you, the more I felt like I couldn’t. I wanted to so badly, and for whatever fucking reason, I couldn’t make myself do it.”
I let the rain wash the saltwater from my face.
Amara’s face twists with emotion, her eyes shiny with tears.
“Life got so much more complicated, so much quicker, and I fucked up, and I’m serious when I say that I will spend the rest of my fucking sad life making up for it. If that’s what it takes, that’s what I’m going to do.”
She opens her mouth, but no words come out.
“Adding something else to the list of things I had to do, no matter how small, no matter howimportant,felt like I was being crushed under a mountain. It felt impossible. And that only made me feel worse about myself. The crushing realization of what a piece of shit I was and how disappointed I made you.”
“Cooper,” she says steadily. “As much as I wish that you had opened up to me sooner, I get it.” She squeezes my hand.
“I should have talked to you. I should have forced you to listen to me so much sooner, Amara. When I saw you here for the first time, I panicked. You looked like you hated me. And you did.”
“Why didn’t you?” she whispers, and I barely hear it.
“Because I thought that I had caused enough harm,” I confess, lifting her hand and kissing it. “It was clear that you were upset, and that I had made your life worse. I didn’t want to make it even more complicated. You settled here and made this beautiful life for yourself. I wasn’t going to come in and wreck it.”
“I would have?—”
I cock my head. “Would you have?”
She closes her mouth, her words lost. “No,” she shakes her head. “I probably wouldn’t have listened.”
The rain continues to beat around us as my breathing slows, and I take a step closer to her, resting my wet, freezing cold forehead on hers.
“Amara, I would do literally anything in this life to deserve you, and I hope that one day, you believe that.”
Amara sucks at her lip, her eyes squeezing shut. “I have accepted it,” she whispers. “I think I accepted it the day we got married.”
My heart squeezes, and I lift her in the air, spinning, the smile on her face giving me more life than anything ever has.
I set her down, pulling her face to mine. “Please marry me for real,” I whisper against her lips.
She kisses me, the taste of tears and freezing rain shared between us until she pulls away.
“For the love of god, please put the coat on.”
CHAPTER 44
AMARA
The wedding is at Lulu’s. At least, the signing of the real marriage certificate is.
The place is closed down for the event, and all of our family and friends are in this one place once again.
My mom beams with pride, finally getting her way. She always did love Cooper. My dad only threatened him a few times.
Natalia is here too, supplying the cake. “I can’t believe you guys finally came to your senses,” she mutters, setting it down on one of the tables.
