thirty-one
AMANDA
By the timethe train rattled into Waverley, I was feeling all too sorry for myself. The city was washed in grey-white, snow having turned to slush along the streets. Even the ground reminded me of Henry.
I dragged my bag along the short walk home. Every step felt heavier than the last.
Megan opened the flat door before I even got my key in.
'Bloody hell,' she said quietly, her eyes searching my face. 'Come here.'
I didn’t ask how she knew that something was wrong. She just did. She pulled me into her arms, and it took everything not to bawl right there on the doorstep. Her jumper was soft against my cheek and smelled like home.
Or what I’d always thought of as home. Which was her.
‘Come on, you, let’s get you on the floor.’
I made to object, but let her drag me to the sitting room, dumping off my wet books and coat on the way. She was alreadygrabbing the Maltesers and pushing me to the floor. We ended up on the rug, just like we always used to, our backs on the floor and feet hooked up onto the cushions. The bag of malted chocolates lay between us.
Snow settled thick on the window ledge. The hiss of traffic snaking by outside.
Megan waited patiently. She never cajoled. It was both the worst and best thing about her.
‘It’s a boy,’ I said with a sigh.
‘Ah. It always is.’ She nodded, as if that explained everything. Which it sort of did.
I pressed a Malteser to my lips but didn't eat it. ‘Meg… I don't know what I'm doing.’
‘You don’t have to know. Just spill.’
So I tried.
‘He’s kind,’ I said, staring up at the ceiling. ‘In a steady way. And he makes the most terrible jokes that shouldn’t make me laugh, but they do. And he?—’
My voice faltered until I swallowed. ‘He looks at me like he can’t believe I’m real.’
Megan shifted, looking sideways at me. But she didn’t interrupt.
‘And I felt like I belonged, not in the village, but in his arms. And I liked it. Too much. Which is a problem?
‘Is it?’
‘Yes, because I know what happens when people rely on each other. Mum and Dad were in love until they weren't. They adored each other before they couldn't stand the sight of each other. It all went wrong so fast. And I don't want to wake up one day in that kind of misery.’
Megan rolled her eyes and threw a Malteaser at my head. ‘You're not them, Amanda.’
‘What if I am?’
‘You’re not.’ She said with conviction. ‘You’re careful. And thoughtful. He clearly cares for you. And you’re doubting your choices. What’s the harm in giving it a try?’
‘I couldn’t stay. He asked. And God, Meg, I wanted to. I wanted to curl up right in his lap and let him make all the hard choices for me. But I panicked, because that’s not who I want to be. I said we should keep it open-ended.’
‘Do you want it open-ended?’
I closed my eyes. Sirens passed outside, throwing blue lights across the ceiling.
‘No. I want… I don’t know. I want everything he has to offer, but without losing who I am. And without getting hurt.’
