“Do you? Did you know how much I was hurting? You knew how hard everything was, and you still disappeared.”
“I know.”
“Stop saying you know! It’s like your stupidwhats. I know, I know, I know. What, what, what. Stop deflecting and just talk to me, Asher.” The tears fall, the ones I was hoping she wasn’t holding back. The ones that will tear me apart.
“I fucked up. I know. I have some reasons, but eventually, they ended up just being excuses.”
“Go ahead. I’m listening.” I open my mouth to start talking, but she says, “And please know, I’m judging.”
I swallow hard and nod. The words I've been holding back for months feel like they're drowning me, each one heavier than the last.
“It’s not easy to explain,” I say, my voice quieter now. Can she tell this is hard for me too?
"You're right," I continue, rubbing my face, the stubble rough beneath my fingers. "I ghosted you, Hailey, and it was . . . it was because I was terrified.”
“So was I, and you just left me out here alone.”
“I’m sorry. I . . . I used to think I was cold and distant, but the reality is, I was protecting myself from feeling too much and not receiving it back.” She opens her mouth to say something, but I raise my hand.
“Let me finish, please. Even if you don’t like what I have to say.”
Hailey nods and stays silent, allowing me to continue, “Not from you, but from everyone. With you, though, Ifelttoo much. And the more I felt, the more I pulled away. Does that make sense?" The way she’s looking at me tells me the complete opposite. Her eyes have lost all the warmth, replaced with icy cold stones. They’re like galena—absolutely gorgeous, but also deadly.
Her eyes narrow, but I continue. “I lost someone.” A loud breath leaves my mouth, ripping right through my soul. “A girl. Young and full of life. She was kayaking with her dad, and they got caught in a cave. She hit her head and broke her leg.” I close my eyes, trying to forget.
“It was like any other rescue, but when I got into the cave, I couldn’t breathe. She looked just like you. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn't think. It felt like déjà vu, but not the good kind. It was like I was drowning in something familiar, and I thought . . . I thought it was the same thing you were feeling but miles and miles away, by yourself.”
I pause, the silence thick between us. It’s hard to say the rest, to admit the real fear that kept me away.
“The thing is, I care too much. I care more than I know how to handle. And I was so damn scared of loving you and not being enough for you, Hailey. I was terrified I'd screw it all up. It felt like the universe was giving me a second chance, but I didn’t know if I could actually handle it. I thought if I just stayed away, didn’t make any promises, didn’t let you get close enough to see the mess I am . . . maybe I wouldn’t ruin it like I ruined everything else. Because even though I held her, even though I swam back with tears in my eyes because it felt like I had you in my arms, she didn’t make it.”
The words are coming faster now, like I can't stop them, like they've been stuck inside me for too long and I’m spilling out everything I never said.
"I know that sounds like the dumbest shit, but that’s the truth. I didn't just disappear because I didn't care. I disappeared because I cared too much. I pushed you away before I could prove I wasn't good enough for you. And I live there and you live here; I can’t ask you to leave your home and I can’t leave mine. Not yet, at least.” I wipe away a tear roaming free.
“And every day I spent away from you, every day I convinced myself this was easier, was worse than the day before. Because at least when I had you, I had the illusion that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t going to screw this up. But I was too scared to even try.” I let out a broken sob and notice Hailey is crying too.
“I’m broken, and I live far away, and even the one thing I’m good at, I still fuck up sometimes and lives are lost. You deserve better, Hales, but I couldn’t live with myself anymore if I didn’t tell you all of this.”
The silence that follows feels like a punishment, but I need it. I need her to understand, to see me as something other than a selfish idiot who runs away when things get too real.
“I didn’t want you to think you did anything wrong, because you didn’t. You are perfect and I miss you. I don’t know how this would work, but I need you in my life again. If you’ll have me.”
She stands, wiping away tears from her cheeks and making my heart thump in my chest louder and faster. She sits on my lap and rakes her hands through my hair, all the way down to my neck. I wipe the tear from her lip before kissing it gently. “I’m sorry. I truly am. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“But you did,” she whispers.
“I know.”
“This is the definition of insanity, you know?” Her fingers intertwine behind my neck, a sad smile on her face.
“What is?”
“Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.”
“Then call me insane, baby.” She closes her mouth over mine, kissing me gently at first but shifting the intensity before I realize she's kissing me as though this is the last time she’ll taste my lips.
“Wait,” I whisper. I must be losing my mind, because this is exactly what I wanted to happen, but I need to make sure she’s okay.
