“Hey, Dad. How are you feeling today?” I asked my father when I entered his apartment.
When he and my mom got divorced, he moved into an apartment on the other side of town.
“Hey, Babygirl. I’m doing okay. How are you?”
I sat on the love seat in the middle of the room. If it were up to him, he would only have a recliner and a television in his living room, but I talked him into getting the couch and some artwork to decorate. My father had always been a minimalist, and it had gotten worse over the years. He didn’t even have a television in his bedroom.
Over the years, he dated, but none of them lasted longer than a few years. I thought he and my mom would have rekindled their relationship, but as I got older, I understood why. Adult me realized they were better off as friends.
“I’m okay, I think. I really don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I sighed.
He picked up the remote and lowered the volume on the TV.
“It’s okay, River. I came to terms with whatever way things are going to play out. I lived a good life, and my children are happy and thriving. Your mother is good as well. We may not be together anymore, but I will always love your mother.”
The way he talked made me feel like he had already put a death sentence on his life, and I felt uncomfortable.
“Well, I’ll be with you during the whole chemo process.”
After my research, I read that chemo could help him, and I prayed that it would.
“River, I’m not doing chemo anymore.”
“Anymore? When did you do it?”
My heart slammed against my chest because how did he go through chemo, and nobody knew about it?
“I started it, but they said the disease had progressed so much that it was no use. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’twant anyone to feel sorry for me, and I didn’t want you all to worry. I only told you guys now because I’ve exhausted all treatments.”
Immediately, hot tears streamed down my face. Everything sounded so final. To know that my father went through all of that by himself bothered me. I couldn’t imagine that, but it also proved just how strong a person my father really was. He was never the type to tell people what was going on in his life, especially if you were distant any other time.
“Daddy.” I sobbed. My shoulders sagged as the tears flowed steadily.
“River. Listen to me.”
I couldn’t look at him, because I would probably cry even harder. We were quiet for a few seconds while I tried to compose myself.
I wiped my eyes, blew my nose, and focused my attention on my dad. It was in that moment that I got a good look at him and realized how much weight he had lost over the last couple of months. He didn’t have that glow he used to have anymore.
“I know all of this came at you fast, and it’s hard, but everything will work out whatever way it’s supposed to. During this time, I just want to spend time with you guys as much as possible.”
My chest felt like someone had dropped a weight in the middle of it. The air felt stiff, and I needed to get out of there before I completely spiraled.
I thought about what Coye said to me a few days ago about being there for me, and he was the first person I wanted to call.
I stood from the couch and walked over to my dad. The tears hadn’t stopped, and I wasn’t sure when they would.
“I’m going to go, Daddy. I’ll give you a call later.”
“I understand. Are you okay to drive?”
“I am. I just need some air. I love you.” I leaned down and hugged him.
He returned the hug and kissed my cheek. “I love you, too. Text me when you get home, or wherever you are going. I just need to know that you are safe.”
I nodded, then released him. I grabbed my bag from the table and went outside.
The minute the cool air hit me, I sucked in a few breaths to calm myself down.
