“This isn’t easy to say, but it’s important that I tell you all what’s been going on.”
Since my mother sat next to him, she grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
“I have liver cancer.”
Multiple gasps filled the quietness.
“What? What do you mean? Can . . .” I couldn’t finish saying the word while tears streamed down my face. There was a roaring sound in my ears, and I couldn’t hear what anyone else said.
It felt like everything I ate was about to come back up. The walls felt like they were closing in on me as my mother audibly cried. The kids looked concerned, but they both were quiet. Brielle had climbed into her father’s lap. Ro’s eyes bounced around the table.
I couldn’t look at anyone else, because I would break down even more.
“I found out a couple of weeks ago and had been trying to find a way to tell you all.”
“Weeks?” I screeched.
I pushed my chair back and ran out of the dining room. I heard chairs moving before I heard Coye say something, but I couldn’t make out what he said.
I pulled at my shirt because I couldn’t breathe. My chest was tight as tears rushed down my face faster than I could catch them. I pushed open the front door and ran out onto the porch. I didn’t care that it was cool outside, and I didn’t have on a coat. I needed the air because I was suffocating.
I felt lightheaded, so I sat down on the step. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but instead, a loud sob escaped me.
My father was my hero. My first protector. The man who taught me how to ride a bike and drive a car. I couldn’t imagine him having cancer. This couldn’t be real life right now. I couldn’t imagine my father not being healthy and happy. I didn’t bother drying the tears on my face because they kept coming.
“Oh God.” I cried. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t need my mother’s neighbors coming outside.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I heard the door open.
“I don’t want to talk,” I said to whoever it was.
“And we don’t have to. I just don’t want you out here alone.”
I wrapped my arms around my knees and dropped my head.
Coye’s deep voice made me close my eyes and cry even more. I couldn’t look up, but I smelt him as he sat down next to me.
Coye always had this rich nigga smell about him. I couldn’t explain it because I didn’t know what it was, but he always smelled good. I knew whatever cologne he wore was probably just as expensive as the jewelry he wore.
I jumped when I felt his arm wrap around me. The damn broke even more.
We stayed outside for a while with him holding me. I was surprised nobody came out, but I guess they were giving me some space. I was grateful to Coye for comforting me.
When I finally got myself together, I went into the house and went to my old childhood room, where I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t talk to anyone if I tried without crying.
In the morning, we could talk about the next steps. My father had to beat this shit.
The next morningafter Poppa Dean dropped that bomb on us, I started my day with a workout and meditation. It was my normal routine, but I spent a little longer in the stillness. I also spent more time than usual praying for healing and strength for Pops and the rest of the family.
River was the baby girl of the family, and I knew she would take it the hardest. Jordan had his wife to lean on, but River didn’t have anyone. I take that back; she had her friends, but it was different having friends than having a partner.
I thought about her all night, and I wanted to check in with her but knew she probably needed some space. I left her at Momma Dana’s house, so I knew she was watched over.
I had to go in to work, but I wasn’t going to do anything until I laid eyes on River. It fucked me up that she was so hurt, and I couldn’t fix it.
Once I was dressed for the day, I made myself a protein shake and left the house. I lived in a five-bedroom, three-bathroom house in a pretty quiet neighborhood. I didn’t need that much space, but it helped whenever my mom wanted to stay the night, or when the kids came over. They didn’t stay over that often since I traveled a lot, but they each had their own room when they did stay. It helped to give their parents some time alone.
I waved to my neighbor, who was outside with her dog, as I opened the door to my car. It was a little chilly, so I let the car warm up a bit before pulling out of my driveway. No matter where I parked, I backed into the spot. I hated the way people drove through parking lots and streets sometimes, and I needed to see them coming. I didn’t need anybody accidentally hitting me.
