Besides my mom and my brother, I was my father’s only friend. Sometimes he called me his best friend, and at times, we would gossip like we were.
That night after visiting my dad, Coye took such good care of me. He bathed me and made love to me while I cried. The man licked my damn tears. With each stroke, it felt like a new soul tie formed between us. Just the thought of it had my cheeks flushed, and goosebumps prickling my arms. He made my body come alive, even when I wanted to shut down.
Something different transpired between us, but I couldn’t explain it in words. Whenever Coye was around, my heart beat to a different drum. I felt at peace knowing he was there for me. I never would have imagined we would be in this space, but I enjoyed it. I didn’t like that we had to hide, but there was too much going on.
“You okay?” Coye asked, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Yes,” I assured him.
We decided to go back to my father’s place because the hospice nurse would be there, and I wanted to talk to them while I was in a better headspace.
He grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. We parked in front of my dad’s building and got out.
The nurse was already there when we entered.
“Hello, I’m Kristin. One of the hospice nurses. Your father said you wanted to talk to me and ask me some questions.”
I shook her hand and nodded. “Yes, I’m his daughter, River, and this is Coye.”
Coye shook her hand, and the three of us went to sit down. She told me my dad was in his room resting.
For the next hour or so, Kristin went over everything that the hospice team would do for my dad. Someone would come in and cook and clean for him. There was medication that he could take to ease any pain or discomfort he may experience. She gave us information for the chaplain, as well as a social worker, should we need someone to talk to. There were a lot of things they did that I never knew about. Their mission was to make the patients as comfortable as possible and to be a support for families.
Everything was so surreal, and even though Kristin was nice, I didn’t like her reason for being there.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. You can ask anything you want, and I will try my best to give you an answer. If I don’t have one, I’ll point you in the right direction of someone who will.” She tried to sound chipper, but I could tell this situation weighed on her a little. I was sure that dealing with people and their families during their dying process was a lot.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Do you know how much longer my dad has?”
Coye had been next to me the whole time, and every so often, he would rub my back or rest his hand on my leg. His presence comforted me.
“I can’t say for certain, but I don’t think it’s going to be too much longer. He is declining more. Today, he barely ate. He’s just been sleeping off and on.”
I closed my eyes and tossed my head back, trying to keep my tears at bay, but that didn’t help.
Kristin reached over and rubbed my knee. “For now, I suggest you spend as much time with him as you can. Also,make sure your family sees him too. He needs you guys to be supportive of him and each other. You should go in there and see him.”
“I’ll let you go alone, but I’m here if you need me,” Coye said as he patted my shoulder, then kissed my temple.
I was afraid of how he would look and how I would react to it. I squared my shoulders and inhaled a deep breath before blowing it out. Coye and Kristin both gave me nods of encouragement, but they also gave me a moment to gather myself.
Once I was ready, I stood from my seat and walked to my father’s room. His room door was partially closed, so I pushed it open. For a moment, I paused because his appearance had changed again since the other day.
He was in bed, lying on his back with his eyes closed. For a second, I wasn’t sure if he was breathing because he was so still.
“Daddy,” I whispered, afraid to startle him.
He didn’t move, so I watched the rise and fall of his chest for a second, then called him again. This time, he turned his head and looked at me.
A small smile spread over his dry lips. “Come here, Babygirl.” He held his hand out.
I got the chair from the corner and put it next to the bed. I held his hand when I sat down.
His skin was even more yellow, and it caught me off guard. I’d never seen a person’s skin be that yellow.
“I know I told you before, but I want to tell you again. I am so proud of you, River, and I love you so much. You were always the strong one, and I need you to be strong for your mom and your brother. But I also want you to lean on Coye when you need to. He might not have said it yet, but I could see it in his eyes that he loves you. I trust him, and I can go in peace knowing that you will be good.”
