“That isnae what I meant. Nae even what I thought. Did ye ken that ye can bring yerself that feeling of bliss?”
Saoirse’s eyes widened as she nodded. “I suppose so. I just never have. I thought only men really did that.” She glanced down to his plaid.
“Aye. I will do just that when I get to ma chamber. Again. But a woman can pleasure herself.”
“Isnae that a sin?”
“If it were, God wouldnae have made it possible. He gave mon free will, but He didna do it just for us to fail Him. It’s mon who’s decided it’s a sin. It’s as natural as breathing to wish to experience pleasure. But we canna always be with the one we want.”
“I assumed men went to whores when they wanted it.”
Magnus’s ears were on fire. “That is an option. But they arenae always available. Or they arenae who a mon wants.”
“A moment ago, ye said again.”
“Aye. I thought of ye constantly, Saoirse, but I never had the time alone while away hunting. I saw ye in the Great Hall when I returned. Ye were leaning over a table. I barely made it to ma chamber before I exploded. I eased ma lust maself even before the hunting trip.”
“If I did what ye did, would I be able to do it maself?”
“Aye.”
“Would ye think me wrong if I did it when ye canna?” Saoirse wondered if she shouldn’t have asked.
“Nay. Would ye think of me?”
“I can barely think aboot aught but ye. I wish I could bring ye pleasure tonight. Why canna I?”
“Because tonight wasna aboot me. I wanted to give ye a hint of what we can share. I wanted ye to enjoy a taste of passion without having to reciprocate.”
“Vera well. I dinna have to. But what aboot how much I want to?” She didn’t want their brief time together to be one sided. Taking without giving went against her nature, and she especially disliked it with Magnus.
“We shouldnae linger much longer. We’re tempting fate, and it willna be on our side.”
“I ken that’s true. But I want to learn what will make ye feel the way ye made me feel.”
“Another time, wee one. We must get ye back into the keep.”
“Do ye think we could spend time together tomorrow? Mayhap a game of chess. Anyone could see us and ken we arenae doing aught scandalous.”
“I would like that. Let’s see what the day brings.” Magnus wanted to promise they would have the time together, but he doubted anyone would allow them such a luxury. Things hadn’t improved while being away. He would have to satisfy himself with secret trysts, even though they didn’t sit well with his conscience.
He guided her to walk ahead of him, and he fell into step behind her, blocking any of the guards from seeing her. When they reached the Great Hall, he stepped into a recessed area and watched her walk up the stairs alone. When she was out of sight, he drew in a fortifying breath, dreading another night alone. Once he barred his door, he stripped and stood before the window embrasure. He stared at the constellations as he wrapped his hand around his length. He thought he would be in a hurry, since his desire threatened to steal his good sense. But as he pictured Saoirse, her hair fanned out around them, and her core hungry for him, he stroked slowly. It was sweet, tantalizing agony. By the time he spent himself in a linen washing square, he was exhausted. He fell into his first dreamless sleep in weeks.
* * *
Magnus wiped the profusive sweat from his brow. It was warm, and he’d already stripped off his leine. But he could feel the sea breeze with a chill to it. However, it did nothing to cool him. His throat felt parched, and even his tongue felt too large. He’d felt off the evening after he returned from hunting. It was a mild discomfort then, and it hadn’t gotten worse during the past two days. But now, he feared he would be ill or that he would keel over.
“Ye dinna look good.” Callum came to stand beside Magnus as he sipped from the ladle at the water bucket.
“I dinna feel right. Something is off.”
“A summer ague?”
“Mayhap.” Magnus drew his leine, which he held, across the back of his neck, hoping it would absorb as much as wipe away his perspiration. “I dinna have a cough, though. I’m certain it’ll right itself in a day or two.”
Callum looked unconvinced, but he didn’t argue. As they left the lists, Magnus’s chest began to ache. It was the same pain he sometimes developed after eating too much, but it was behind his ribs, high to the left. It tempted him to rub his fist over it, but he didn’t want anyone else to notice that he wasn’t hale. A few more steps had his stomach twisting in a knot that threatened to double him over.
“Ye dinna look well, Óg. Go to yer chamber and rest.”
