“Aye, Kitty. And that’s why I did what I did.”
“Please, Rab. Tell me. I dinna want this secret between us for the rest of our lives. I worry ye think ye canna tell me everything, and I dinna wish to wonder what ye’re hiding. Whatever ye did, ye did it as much for me as ye did in the name of justice. Ye’ve practically said as much.”
“All the more reason nae to tell ye. I dinna want ye ever to feel responsible for ma choices.” Rab hung his head and shook it. “Please dinna ask me.”
Catherine stroked back hair that hung over Rab’s face before cupping his jaw. She shifted to straddle him as she had the night before. Her kiss was a balm to Rab’s soul. It was loving and patient, supportive and tender.
“I willna press ye on this because I see how it pains ye. I dinna wish to cause more. But we’ve never kept secrets. Nae when we were younger, and certainly nae now. We both confessed things the first chance we talked. I ken I feel better for it, and I think ye do too.”
“Aye. I will do all that I can to never keep aught else from ye, Kitty. I trust ye with all that I have and all that I am.”
“I ken. I feel the same. Rab, I never felt this way toward ye, but I had so much rage inside me. I hated everyone who bears the MacLaren name, even yer mother. Nessa has never had aught but a kind word for me. But I loathed her because, somehow, she hadnae stopped them. I blamed everyone in yer clan for letting yer cousins ride out. I blamed yer father for nae having more control, and I thought him a weak mon and worthless leader. I couldnae stop thinking that if ye’d been laird, it never would have happened. I wished ill things upon Caelan, certain that if ye became laird, the feud could end. I felt so raw and brittle. I wanted to go home, but Queen Elizabeth refused. I believe she thought she offered me mercy, so I wouldnae have to see where it happened. But it only made the pain worse. I’ve never seen their graves. I’ve never said goodbye, and I never got a last chance to tell them I loved them as though Aveline was ma mother, and Fia and Greer were ma sisters. Mòr and Aveline raised me. I lost ma mother twice over.”
“I understand. What they took from ye is yet another thing I couldnae forgive.”
“Mòr is hardly a sentimental mon. He was always loving toward Fia and Greer, but he wasna affectionate like ma father was. I suppose that comes from Mòr being laird while ma father was free of constant scrutiny. I kenned he was fond of Aveline, but I hadnae realized how deeply he loved her until she died. We didna ken if he’d survive the loss. He shut himself in his chamber for a sennight. Óg told me he only accepted three trays in that entire time. Óg feared he might find himself an orphan before that sennight ended. From what he told me, it took several moons before Mòr could say Aveline’s name without having to excuse himself. Óg says nay one ever sees Mòr cry, but his eyes are permanently bloodshot.”
Rab rested his hands on Catherine’s thighs, giving her time to share her grief. He doubted she’d talked to anyone about her feelings, not even Andrew after he bore the horrible news.
“I think Óg still sees it. I think he still sees riding into the bailey and finding Fia half bare and bleeding in the bailey. She was already dead. Mòr fought to get to Aveline while Óg searched for Greer. He heard her screaming near the postern gate. He saw—he saw yer cousin—raping her. He—he tried to get to Greer, but he was too far away before Albert slit her throat.” Catherine sobbed, having spoken one of the assailant’s names for the first time since the attack. “Mòr watched Alfred stab Aveline in the heart before he—he pulled away. He grinned at Mòr as he lowered his plaid. Benedict was already in the boat and putting the oars in the water. Albert and Alfred made it out with a few of their men. They never looked back at the ones they left behind.”
“Those men who returned with ma cousins died for their sins, locked away in a forgotten cell in our dungeon. Their last meal was the one they ate before they left Edinample.”
“Rab, I dinna think Mòr will ever recover. Óg says he appears to age a year by the day. Hatred for yer people is all that keeps him going. Óg says he thinks his father would already have joined his mother and sisters if it werenae for his need for retribution.” Catherine fell forward against Rab’s chest, and his arms enclosed around her. “I love Óg. He was a tether when I felt like I would blow away. I regret I wasna there to comfort him, and I dinna think I ever have been much comfort. But as much as Óg helped me, having ye hold me finally makes me feel like I can live through this. I have felt so lost and alone until now.”
“Kitty,mo ghaol, I wish I could lift yer grief from yer shoulders and yer heart. I wish I could bring yer family back. I canna do any of those things, but I can always be by yer side.” Rab kissed the top of Catherine’s head as he called her his love. “I will tell ye what I did.”
“Ye will?” Catherine sat up.
“I dinna ken if hearing the details will console ye at all, but I need ye to ken yer family didna die without consequences. Yer loss weighed heavily on me, and I couldnae—still canna—forgive Albert, Alfred, and Benedict for what they did. Ma father sentenced them all to banishment; however, he gave me his dirk. But I alone chose how. Each mon who rode out on that raid is burning in hell. It was ma father’s blade that was ma tool. I want to claim what I did was in the name of justice, but it wasna. It was revenge. I tortured them until their last breath, Kitty. I—I—”
Rab swallowed, bile rising in the back of his throat. He doubted whether he could go through with telling the truth. He drew a ragged breath before continuing.
“I had them bound and gagged, then dragged behind horses for five miles. I made sure nay one from the keep found us. I made them strip off their clothes. They knew there was nay where to run, so they did naught. The men I brought encircled them. I—I—had a broomstick. I used that to do to them what they did to those women, to yer kin. I listened to their howls of agony and spat on them. I took any dignity they might have clung to and stripped it from them. I beat them for falling to their knees and laughed at their pleas for mercy. I gelded them and made them hold their own bollocks. I unmanned them before ma father’s dirk cut them open to tear out their innards. They were still alive when the horse ripped away their limbs. I left their entrails to lure the predators that ate them. I went back three days later, and there was little left of their carcasses.”
Rab waited for Catherine to scream as he described the most heinous deeds he’d ever committed. He expected her to push away from him and run. He held his breath as he awaited the tirade of disgust and loathing. But nothing came.
“Good.” The single word unleashed a torrent of emotions for Rab. He pulled Catherine back against him, and she wrapped her arms around his waist as his body trembled. He’d held that secret and planned to take it to his grave. He’d been unable to release his anger that still gnawed at him night and day. It had terrified him to tell Catherine lest she reject him once they finally found one another. He shuddered as he finally felt the last of his burden float away.
“Ye dinna think me wicked and despicable?”
“Rab, I understand why ye didna want to tell me. I never imagined ye doing such, but I also ken ye to be a mon who believes in honor and justice. I ken ye to be a mon who is loyal and devoted to yer clan. I ken ye were nae only protecting me but any and every woman. They wouldnae have stopped with only ma kinswomen. I doubt that was the first time they had overpowered women and took what wasna offered. Mayhap I wouldnae have done exactly what ye did, but I canna deny part of me is happy to ken they suffered. Does that make me wicked and despicable? I ken it’s nae for me to pass judgment on any mon’s actions or his soul, but I also hope they burn in damnation until the end of time.”
“Ye can still look me in the eye?” Rab’s throat still felt tight and raw, and his heart pounded against his ribs. Catherine cupped his jaw and lifted his chin.
“Nae only can I look ye in the eye, but I plan to look into them for the rest of our lives.”
“Kitty, I love ye. There is naught I wouldnae do to protect ye, and regardless of whether Mòr or Óg want it, that extends to those who ye love too.”
“I ken,mo chridhe. Ye dinna ever have to speak of this to me again. But I am glad ye did. I think ye needed to unburden yerself, and I think it was a secret too heavy for ye to bear alone. Ye said the other day that ye wish for me to be at yer side as yer partner. That’s what I’m doing now.”
“Kitty, will ye marry me?” Rab held his breath, praying he hadn’t chosen the wrong moment to press Catherine for a decision.
“Aye. I dinna ken if the mon I once kenned would have done something like that, but the mon I ken now is still the mon I love.”
Their kiss was passionate as they clung to one another. Catherine leaned back as Rab shifted to hover over her. His hand kneaded her breast as hers glided down his back to his chiseled buttocks. She hummed as she felt the muscles shift when he pushed his sporran out of the way before settling some of his weight onto her. Her body pinned her skirts around her, but she widened her legs enough for him to fit. His rod pressed against her mound. Their feverish kisses threatened to consume them as Rab pushed Catherine’s skirts to her knee. Frustrated, she yanked them higher as she wriggled to free them from beneath her. They grinned at one another, sharing in their impatience. But Catherine’s eyes drifted closed as Rab’s fingers brushed the inside of her thigh.
“Touch me,” Catherine whispered as Rab kissed the length of her neck.
