“Marrying? You heard aboot that?”
“So you are marrying someone. The king already chose. Who is the lucky bastard?”
“No one that I know of.” Caitlyn pried the decanter from Alex’s hand and took a healthy swig of her own. “Whoever it is will get a hefty dowry that comes with an unwanted wife.”
“Who wouldn’t want you, Caity?”
“You’re a cruel bastard.” Caitlyn pulled away. “Who wouldn’t want me? You. You’re at the top of the bluidy list for who doesn’t want me. More fool am I for still thinking you’re who I should turn to in my time of need. I would have been better off running into the barracks naked looking for my guards than dealing with you.”
“You know I want you. But I can’t.”
“I swear to you, Alexander. If I hear you say that pile of dung anymore, I will cut off your cock. You want to believe you’re half a mon, I’ll make you so. I’m so tired of hearing you say all the things you can’t do. I understand as best I can why you feel that way. But you are the only person who does. No one who matters has said you’re not enough. No one who matters wants you to step aside.”
Alex shook his head, but Caitlyn’s narrowed eyes, warning that her temper was on the verge of exploding.
“Do you really think your father is so fucking foolish that he would risk every clan members’ life just to make you feel better aboot yourself? If he didn’t think you could lead, he would be the one telling you Brice is his heir. He might not like it, but his sense of duty is just as strong as yours. He’d put your people first, even if it killed him. You are not the only valiant member of your family. But you’re the only fucking martyr.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking aboot.” Alex was fuming. He was too drunk, too tired, and still too scared about Caitlyn’s safety to have this argument.
“Don’t I? My father is the one who has no sons. You know I love Jamie. He’s my cousin and your friend. He’s a fine tánaiste, but I also know Papa wished you weren’t the aulder son. If you weren’t and you’d married Cairren, he could have passed the lairdship to you. He trusts Jamie implicitly and has faith in him, but he’s always wished it were you. My parents love me, and I’ve known that my entire life. But don’t you think sometimes I wish I’d been a son? You have two men who would sacrifice to have you lead their clan. My father can’t have that, but your own can.”
“But—”
“Nay. I don’t want to hear it. You thought you couldn’t fight anymore, and that it made you weak. But you’ve proven you can. What more do you need? You fear people will think your clan is weak if they have a so-called cripple leading them. Why are they determined to kill you now? Why not wait until the weakling is in charge, then raid your keep? You daft bugger. They don’t want you to be laird because they fear you already. So whores don’t want to fuck you. Save your coin. You know I do.” Caitlyn snapped her mouth shut, stunned by her last comment. She hadn’t intended to be vulgar or that honest.
“Quite the romantic bard, aren’t you?” Alex glowered at her.
“You can wipe that expression off your face before I do it for you. It didn’t scare me as a wean, and it doesn’t scare me now. It only makes me angry, just like it did when we were younger.”
“Caity, you deserve—”
“Do not finish that thought, Alex. You are making me angrier than I have ever been. I’ve had enough. I can’t do this anymore. Can you guess what the wretchedly selfish part of me wants to keep telling you? Do you have any idea?”
“No.”
“Give up the bluidy lairdship. Let Brice have it. Whether it’s the keep or a croft, let someone else deal with it all. Then we can be together. You wouldn’t have to worry aboot being a good enough warrior or a good enough laird. You could be my far-better-than-just-good-enough husband. I’d live in a croft like the one last night if I shared it with you. Stop deciding everything for me.” Caitlyn picked up her knives and shoved one back into her belt and the other into her pocket. “Maimed or not. I’ve wished that since I fell in love with you at three-and-ten. I wished you didn’t have to become a laird. I didn’t want to share, and I still don’t. But looks like neither of us gets what we want.”
Caitlyn cast such a look of disgust at Alex that the last of the alcohol drained from his mind. She turned toward the door, but Alex’s larger body moved to block her. “You don’t care if I’m laird?”
Caitlyn’s chin fell forward. “After all these years—a score of them—you think I care aboot you because you’re supposed to be a laird one day? I watched you talk aboot marrying my sister, and there was naught I could do. I know how you’ve whiled away your time. You made sure I do. After the heartache you’ve caused me during this visit and in the past, you think I only want you because you’re going to be a laird. Just how petty and pretentious do you think I am? Mayhap we aren’t so well suited after all. You seem to know me not at all. All I’ve ever wanted is the mon.”
Caitlyn shook her head as she stepped back and tried to move around Alex, but he shifted to keep blocking her. “People already say such hideous things to youabootyou. It would only be worse.”
“You think an awful lot aboot yourself to believe so many other people will be that concerned aboot what you and I do. Once I leave here, I won’t hear the gossip. Let them say what they want. I already know your people accept me. I’ve been visiting your clan since I was five. I’m certain people believe—or did, before you fouled this up—that we would marry. Who in your clan would speak against you to me? Who would insult me to you? Who would do it and think they would survive to tell the tale? And if people outside your clan gossip, let them. I don’t care.”
“But I care. I care that I can’t protect you.”
“Stop. We are going around in circles. You keep saying that, and yet, here we are, yet again. You have protected me. Alex.” Caitlyn sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot beside her. “The nightmares may never go away. Neither you nor I can control what goes through your mind in your sleep. But you can control what you think when you are awake. I don’t expect your guilt and fear to merely disappear. I truly do understand why you feel the way you do. But it’s needless. The reasons you believe exist don’t. They just don’t.”
Alex closed his eyes, trying to piece through the conflicting thoughts racing through his mind. “I’ve heard what people think of me here. What if that is how people view me?”
“You’re going to let a group of mealy-mouthed gossips—both men and women—who live off the king’s coin and spend their lives here flattering one another decide what you do with yours. Tell me this: Have any of the Highlanders looked down at you?”
“No. They don’t seem to notice after the first time they see me.”
“Because they’re Highlanders. They bluidy well fight one another before bed each night. You aren’t the first mon they’ve seen changed from battle. It doesn’t matter to them because either they know you or they know your reputation. They respect you. Besides the Scotts, which Lowland delegates have spoken against you?” Caitlyn held up her hand. “I don’t mean the courtiers. I mean the real men, the ones you’re likely to face on a battlefield.”
“They eye it, but no one has said aught to me.”
