“You can’t believe it.” Caitlyn pointed to where they’d been standing only minutes ago. “What the hell did you mean when you called me a whore and tried to get me to couple with you against a wall?”
“I did no such—” Alex went silent. He was growing clearer headed as he continued to argue, but he suddenly remembered how their conversation started. He stumbled backward and shook his head. “Caity.”
Caitlyn watched as shame washed over Alex’s face, and she even thought his eyes misted. But the lighting was too dim in the undercroft to see. She watched his shoulders round, then the grimace of pain. He took three more steps back and turned away.
“No, you don’t. You don’t get to ruin my first kiss and insult me to boot, then walk away because you realize you’re an arse.”
“Your first kiss? But I thought…”
“You should have remembered that I have a married sister. You should have remembered that my mother has always done what she can to prepare me for life. You should have remembered that I’ve been at court for years and have seen and heard things that make Sodom and Gomorrah appear quaint. You are the only mon I’ve ever kissed, and I will forever remember being called a whore for it.”
“I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry. That isn’t nearly enough. I never should have approached you while I was drunk. I never should have kissed you when I was. I certainly shouldn’t have said any of what I did.”
“Then why? You have never treated me like this.” Caitlyn crossed her arms, wrapping them around her middle as though she could shield herself.
Alex tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Because I was angrier than I thought. I was angry that I want you when I shouldn’t. I thought to drown my sorrows, even distract myself from wanting you and not having you. But the same thing happens when any woman approaches. They can’t flee fast enough once they realize what I am. I took that out on you. I preyed on the assumption that you wanted to kiss me as much as I always do you. I wanted to prove to myself that I’m still a mon.”
“Alex,” Caitlyn whispered. “I don’t even know where to start. You are still a mon.” Caitlyn held up her hand to keep Alex from interrupting. “You really take to heart the opinions of whores? Not someone who’s known you for as long as she can remember? Is bedding a woman really what makes you a mon? My father wouldn’t agree, and he never would stand for you to say such. He didn’t teach you to think that way. I’m still standing here, Alex. Did I run away last eve? Did I run from you today because of how you look, or was it from the things you said? The only thing making you less of a mon is the despicable things you’ve said, not because of your face or your arm.”
“But I can’t be the mon you need. I can’t protect you. I’ll only embarrass you. People will gossip that you could do no better than me. And I won’t even be able to defend you from those who do.”
“Just how dangerous is your clan?” Caitlyn asked with a soft smile.
“What? They aren’t dangerous to you. You know that.”
“Then why do I suddenly need all this protection? If I were at Mangerton, do you need to defend me from your people?”
“No.”
“Then you make no sense.”
“And to travel to Mangerton? What happens if we’re attacked on the road, and I can’t protect you? What if someone attacks our clan because our neighbors believe me weak? You’d be in danger.”
“Weak?” Caitlyn’s gaze swept over Alex’s body, and he witnessed the lust spark again before her eyes met his. He even sensed her sway toward him before she caught herself.
“I can’t lead my men anymore. I can’t ride out in battle to represent my clan. I can’t do the things a laird must. Your parents raised you to marry a laird or an heir.”
“That’s as true as saying the sky is purple. DidMamantrain me to be a chatelaine? Yes. But neither she nor Papa expected me to marry a laird or an heir. Cairren married a second son, and she’s aulder than me. All my parents wanted for either of us was a happy marriage like theirs. That nearly didn’t happen for Cairren. Papa promised not to arrange a marriage for me.” Caitlyn paused as she swallowed the lump in her throat. “We didn’t think he’d have to.”
“Caity, you deserve better.”
“Who are you to decide for me? You don’t want to be my husband, and you aren’t my father. You haven’t asked once what I want. And you definitely haven’t come close to guessing. Alex, you are a fool.” Caitlyn’s emotions felt too overwrought after all the anger, hurt, and sadness. She needed space. “I’m walking away now. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t recognize the mon you’ve become. And you obviously never knew me.”
Alex watched as Caitlyn made her way out of the undercroft. He followed at a discreet distance, watching to ensure she entered the keep safely. Her shoulders were rounded and stooped as though she protected herself from a gusty wind, except there was none. He silently acknowledged he’d done that. He’d blown out the spark that had once been between them.
You wanted to push her away. You couldn’t have done a finer job if you’d done it on purpose. What the hell is wrong with you? How could you say any of that to Caity? It was—is—unforgiveable. My father and hers would skelp me alive if she ever told them. Neither of them would accept me treating her, or any lady, how I did. Whisky is no excuse. No one else thought me worthless until today.
Alex ran his hand through his hair as he tried to swallow the sour taste in his mouth. He couldn’t guess that he could ever repair the damage he’d done that night, and he didn’t feel he deserved to. But he didn’t want to hurt Caitlyn any further. He intended to apologize again if she’d hear him out, but he resolved to keep his distance like he should have.
I wanted to be alone to spare her. The only thing I got right was now I’m definitely alone.
Six
Caitlyn perceived that Alex wanted to apologize for his behavior three nights earlier, but she couldn’t bring herself to be near him. She wasn’t certain if she would cry or pound her fist into his face, but she was certain she couldn’t be rational. She avoided him, entrenching herself among the other ladies, knowing he wouldn’t approach. She made sure she was with at least two other women any time she left her chamber. Her heart felt hollow whenever he wasn’t near. Then, when he was close, it ached with a ferocity that she feared might kill her.
Alex watched Caitlyn any time she was within sight. He accepted he needed to keep his distance, but he worried obliging her obvious request was only making the damage irreparable. His cheek burned in a way it hadn’t in months, and his arm ached more than it ever had. He’d left the candles he purchased for Caitlyn outside her door the morning after their argument. She’d gifted him the briefest nod during Terce before turning back to listen to the liturgy. His suspicions that the dark contributed to his nightmares were right. He slept better once he lit six candles on each bedside table. His body felt more rested than it had since before riding out to Hermitage Castle, but his mind was never at ease.
The only distraction came from his summons back to the Privy Council chamber. He’d waited days to hear the Bruce’s decision, and he wanted to have done with the matter. He admitted to himself that he wanted to tuck tail and run home to escape the additional guilt that came from being near Caitlyn. He could endure the jarring six-day ride home if it meant he avoided causing Caitlyn more pain. He admitted to himself that his presence only continued to make matters worse.
