“I said no one would tell me how to lead my life. Your family won’t convince me to set you aside. The king and our fathers won’t be forcing me to marry you when that’s what I want.”
“But you barely know me. You witnessed the worst sides of me. I’m self-centered, impetuous, I disregard others’ safety to put my whims ahead of others, and—and—I’m a flirt.”
“And I still want you.”
“You desire me. That’s not the type of want that makes for a happy marriage. You want me now until you bed me, then you’ll want something else. You’ve said as much.”
“I won’t deny I’m attracted to you. I have been since the first time I caught a glimpse of you. That’s why I’ve danced with you every night I’ve been at court.” Ewan closed his eyes and tilted back his head before meeting her gaze and confessing. “I’d intended to ask you to dance before I even went to Lady Bevan’s chamber. I’d hoped to steal a kiss that night. It embarrassed me when you caught me, and I attempted to play it off. I wasn’t better than a young lad. I’m certain Eoin felt the same and followed my lead. He appreciates Cairren’s sense of humor and kindness when they partner, and I’m certain it didn’t thrill him to have her catch us, too. I’m aware it makes me a cad, but all I can say is it was the way Eoin and I chose to pass the time. None of us looked at it as more than that.”
“That still doesn’t mean it isn’t just desire making you willing to marry me.”
“Will you deny you were attracted to me, too? Would you have rejected me if I tried to kiss you?”
Allyson offered him a rueful expression before shaking her head. “I admit I’ve always found you attractive, and no, I wouldn’t have rejected you.”
“Ally, do you feel that way about Eoin, too?” Ewan held his breath, praying she said she didn’t.
“Maybe then I did. I couldn’t always tell you apart. I wasn’t sure in the passageway that day, but I don’t anymore. I can tell you apart now. And no, it isn’t the scar that gives it away. It may have helped tonight in the dark, but I can tell the difference in how you stand, how you walk, but your expressions give it away the most. Eoin doesn’t have the same brooding intensity you do.”
“He has always been the more easygoing of the two of us.”
“There’s also the way you look at me.”
“And how’s that?” Ewan asked.
“Speculative at times, lustful at others.”
“That sounds right. But don’t forget admiration.”
“I haven’t displayed many admirable traits lately.”
“But you have; I told you already.” Ewan kissed Allyson’s temple and tucked hair behind her ear before continuing. "I don’t know that I could’ve managed a childhood such as yours. Our mother wasn’t loving, and our father isn’t the best example for a husband, but I had a happy upbringing. Eoin and I have always had each other, and that made up for most things. You’ve had no one, at least not until you arrived at court. It breaks my heart to watch a woman who’s charming and engaging at court withdraw into a shell when she’s at home. I—I — don’t want this to be your home anymore. I want to take you away from here.”
“You might return me to court. You don’t have to marry me to do that.”
“Ally, why’re you fighting me on this? Do you believe I’ll return to being a rogue? Do you believe I don’t mean what I say?”
Allyson tucked her chin and looked at her lap, then nodded. “I fear you will spin this tale and convince me all will be well, then you’ll abandon me to people I don’t know. I’ll have to make friends all over again and hope people will like me, though once this story makes its way to your clan, I don’t see how that’s possible. And I’ll have to do it all on my own, just like when I arrived at court. Do you think I always want to be charming and engaging at court? Don’t you realize it’s fake most of the time? We’re all fake. We’re all pretending for the sake of appearances.”
Ewan’s heart broke as he listened to the pain that resonated in Allyson’s voice. He held her closer as he stroked her hair.
“I’m tired, Ewan. I’m tired of pretending the rumors here don’t hurt. I’m tired of being forced to smile and chatter and dance when much of the time I want to be left alone. There are only a few people at court, a few who visit, where what you see is genuine. Part of why I balked at marrying you is because you’re one of those people who I was genuine with.It felt wasted, knowing you would disappoint me in the future. I’m not under any false impressions about your past, and it didn’t matter when it had nothing to do with my future. But who you are beyond being my dance partner scares me.”
“Aingeal, I never want to scare you. That was never my intention, but I seem to have done it far too many times for you to trust me, and that’s crushing.”
“Why do you call me that? What’s angelic besides my blonde hair and blue eyes?”
Ewan’s face took on a sheepish expression as he glanced away. “I’m fairly certain you won’t appreciate the truth.”
“How bad could it be?” Allyson shifted with unease.
“You remind me of two of the archangels,” Ewan chuckled at Allyson’s expression. She didn’t appear to appreciate the comparison. “I realize they’re all male, but the Archangel Raphael is supposedly a healing force, and I’m certain God sent you to heal me of my selfishness and gluttony. The Archangel Uriel is God’s messenger of destiny, and I think, be it God or King Robert, one of them decided you are my future.”
Allyson sat in stunned silence. The depth of significance in Ewan’s explanation shocked her. He surprised her by being so introspective after always coming across as carefree. She didn’t sense he would lie about something so serious as God and faith, so she resolved that he was telling the truth. She raised her head and pressed a soft kiss against his mouth. His reaction was slow, as though he gave her a chance to pull away, but when she didn’t, he deepened the kiss, pressing his open mouth to hers, inviting her in. She swept her tongue across his as she released the tension that kept distance between their bodies. She gave in to the kiss and gave in to him. When they finally broke apart, she ran her fingers over the stubble on his jaw, enjoying the bristles while he stroked the hair that hung down her back.
“Ally, I want to get to know more about you. I’ve seen the two extremes, but who are you really?”
“I don’t even know. There’s never been anyone but the extremes.” She gestured to what lay around them. “I suppose this is me. This is who I am when I’m not trying to please my family, and this is who I am when I’m not trying to please the queen.”
