“We are more alike than we realized,” Arabella spoke when they drew apart at last. “I had much the same issue with food when I was becoming a woman. Except mine came from the pressure to always be pretty. I couldn’t control how God made me any more than anyone else, but I could control what I ate. If I had to live up to everyone’s expectations of beauty, then I would do so on my terms. Turns out I decided those terms were not eating enough. I was lucky not to collapse on the stairs. Instead, I did it during Mass. The priest screamed the devil possessed me. My poor mother was quick-witted enough to say it wasn’t the devil but the Holy Spirit. Apparently, the joy of God’s presence overcame so much that I collapsed. A couple days in bed with my mother supervising my meals helped me improve. But Maude, know that even I struggle to eat when people are around. I fear they’re watching me and judging me for how much I eat. It’s also why you’re the only person I let call me Bella. It’s too much pressure otherwise. I’m certain you’d love me as a sister no matter what I look like.”
“How sad is it thatthis,” Maude waved a hand about. “Is another thing that binds our friendship?”
“It just proves we’re kindred spirits.”
“Not possessed of the Holy One?”
Arabella giggled. “Most certainly not. At least not after what you’ve been up to with Laird MacLeod.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Was it wonderful? I mean is kissing him as mesmerizing as it’s made to sound in poetry?”
“It is. But I don’t think it would be with someone else. It’s because it’s Kieran.”
Arabella nodded but remained quiet. It made Maude uneasy as she wondered what her friend thought about that made her withdraw.
“What is it?”
“Naught,” Arabella forced a smile, but she was sure Maude would remain unconvinced until she explained. “I wondered if it’s the same for men. After all, they engage in the pleasures of the flesh long before they wed. By the time they get to their wives, do simple things such as kisses still mean aught to them, or are they just that well practiced?”
“I don’t know,” Maude answered truthfully. “Kieran makes it seem as though it’s different, better, since he cares aboot me, but I don’t ken aboot other men. I think it is. I’ve seen my cousins with their wives. Callum and Tavish were both rakes before marriage, but meeting their wives changed them, tamed them. Now none of my cousins pay attention to the women around them. They have eyes for only their wives, and they can barely keep their hands off them. They don’t keep them off them. That’s why all of them are expecting bairns.”
“It doesn’t bother you that Kieran was coupling with Lady Bevan just before meeting you and within a day he was professing his feelings? It seems rushed.” Arabella clapped a hand over her mouth when she realized what she’s said.
“Lady Bevan?” Maude choked. The woman was a beautiful widow. A beautiful young widow. She was said to have been the most attractive lady-in-waiting for years, and Maude could believe it.
“Maude, I shouldn’t have said that. I spoke without thinking.”
“It’s naught. I can’t underdo the past.” While Maude reassured Arabella, she felt anything but calm.
Why would he trade Lady Bevan for someone like me? What does he want in truth? Is he fooling me and planning to keep a leman like her once he’s married me?
“You don’t appear well. I’m so sorry aboot what I said. I suppose I assumed you were aware who he’d been with that night. It was careless of me to throw that at you with little consideration to what we’d just been discussing.”
“Really. It’s fine, Bella. I can’t change the past. Not mine, not his.” Maude went to stand at the window and looked out at the stars. The lights of Stirling made them hard to see. She longed to be back on her clan’s land, where the Highland sky appeared to be an infinite collection of twinkling lights. The moon was behind a shadow, as though it hid from the people below, and Maude wished to do the same. Her headache hadn’t eased as the day went on. “My head still hurts from everything last night and then too much noise all day today. I’ll take a tray in here and try to retire early. I need to catch up on my sleep.”
“Maude, don’t. Please join us. I don’t want you to hide in here.”
Maude shook her head before saying, “Make my excuses, please. If you run into my father, let him know I retired early and will seek him out in the morning. I’ll call for a bath, too. A good long soak in hot water will set me to rights.”
Arabella looked doubtful as she dressed for the evening meal but agreed to convey Maude’s regrets.
* * *
Kieran observed the ladies-in-waiting as they entered the Great Hall. They resembled a flock of exotic birds with their gowns of various colors, but they reminded him of a pack of wolves. As he searched, he couldn’t find his lamb. He waited until all the ladies settled at their tables before he started to worry that Maude wasn’t there. He caught sight of Arabella and Blair sitting together, so he wandered close to their table. Both ladies looked at him with regret and shook their heads. Kieran’s shoulders slumped, but he took a deep breath and looked for his sister to be sure she wasn’t watching. She had her back to him and was engaged in an animated conversation with Laurel, who batted her lashes at him before he turned away.
“She’s nae feeling too perky this eve. Last night gave her a headache and spending the day with those she-wolves didna improve it,” Hamish said by way of a greeting. “She’s taking a tray in her chamber.”
Kieran nodded and swept his gaze over the crowded gathering hall. He had no reason to stay now that Maude wasn’t there. His eyes landed on Lady Bevan, whose gaze followed him. She offered him a coy smile and raised an eyebrow. He understood her silent invitation. Just as he’d done moments ago with Laurel, he turned away without reacting. He kept the lusty widow in the corner of his eye to be sure she wouldn’t be in a huff. The last thing he needed was an angry former lover, but she’d returned to her conversation as though she’d never seen him. Kieran was relieved that their one-time encounter was as insignificant to her as it turned out to be for him.
“Would ye join me and sup alongside the Sutherlands?” Hamish asked, but Kieran understood Hamish wanted everyone to witness there was no bad blood between the clans despite recent events. He longed to escape and seek Maude. He wouldn’t fall asleep that night unless he saw for himself that she was well. But with Maude’s fear that people would assume her father gave her to him in exchange for the damages the raid caused, he accepted the invitation. “Smart lad. I will protect ma daughter, nay matter what. Sowing the seeds that we are allies nae enemies before anyone kens yer intentions will keep Maude’s reputation intact.”
“I agree. I appreciate your forethought,” Kieran nodded as he took a spot on the bench beside Hamish. The sight of the two of the most powerful Highland lairds breaking bread together created a buzz at the nearby tables. Kieran clinked mugs with Hamish and his clansmen. He relaxed when he realized Hamish’s good cheer was genuine; however, that didn’t change the fact that he pondered how to excuse himself before the meal ended.
“While I believe family is everything,” Hamish lowered his voice. “It reassures me that ye would put ma Maude before even yer sister. I believe yer feelings for her are as genuine as mine were for her mother, even though they began just as quickly. I have a good life with a wonderful woman who makes me a better mon. She’s given me three children who are the apple of ma eye. I hope ye find the same happiness with Maude.” Hamish twirled his eating knife carelessly as though he gave it little consideration. “But deceive ma wee lassie and break her heart, I will kill ye.”
Hamish slammed the tip of his knife into the tabletop, leaving it there to vibrate. The unexpected sound snagged the other Sutherlands’ attention, but they turned away when they caught sight of their laird staring at Kieran. Kieran opened his mouth to defend his feelings for Maude, but a page interrupted them when he arrived with a missive for Kieran. He looked at the seal and realized he had the perfect excuse to leave the meal early.
“This is from Matheson. I would read it and respond before his messenger leaves. It’ll be aboot Madeline’s betrothal. We should pray he’s accepted. Please excuse me.”
Kieran wound his way through the tables before leaving the Great Hall. More than one woman flashed him a welcoming smile, but they didn’t register with him. He was determined to visit Maude before the night grew too late. If she was already asleep, he would leave her in peace. He tucked the unopened missive into a pocket on the inside of the doublet he wore to the evening meal when at court. As he approached the ladies’ chambers, he caught sight of a maid leaving Maude’s chamber. He hoped it meant she was still awake. When he reached her door, he knocked once but feared lingering in the passageway. He pushed the door open, stepped inside, and froze. Maude stood in the tub with water streaming down her trim torso and toned legs. Her hair was parted and covered her nipples like Lady Godiva, but he could see them poking through. Kieran gulped before he realized he shouldn’t be looking. He spun on his heel and stared at the door as his cock throbbed painfully. He needed to adjust it, but he didn’t want to draw attention to the bulge that continued to thicken.
