Eoin replayed his last words to Cairstine and groaned as he realized how insensitive and hurtful they would sound when she didn’t know what he was thinking. He couldn’t leave things with her like that, and he couldn’t appear belowstairs without her. No one expected them yet, and he didn’t want anyone to tease her if he left her in their chamber. He could imagine the inappropriate comments about being worn out and needing more sleep. He inhaled and turn around, pushing the door open. His heart broke when he found a stunned Cairstine with tears running down her cheeks. He felt like an arse of the highest degree. He dumped his belt and plaid on the floor, realizing he’d forgotten his boots, before leaning his sword against the foot of the bed.
“Go away,” Cairstine whispered as she wiped away her tears, turning her head away from him.
“Not until I’ve explained what I meant. My words sounded horrible to my own ears, and they didn’t convey what I intended.”
“I don’t care. Get out, Eoin. Leave me alone.”
“Let me speak my piece, and if you want me to leave this chamber or this keep, I will.”
Cairstine’s head whipped back around. “Of course I don’t want you to leave this keep.”
Eoin raised his chin. “Because you still need me for the ruse.”
“Yes—” Eoin backed away before Cairstine could continue. Cairstine bounced off the bed and stepped before him, jabbing a finger into his chest. “Oh, no, you don’t. You don’t get to demand I listen to you when you make a muck of things and then not be willing to hear me out. Yes, I still need you for this. But I don’t want you to leave because I don’t want you to leave.”
Cairstine shook her head, knowing she only made sense to herself. Eoin tilted her chin up, searching her eyes. Cairstine realized he must have found what he was looking for because he cupped her cheek. “Do you mean you don’t want me to leave because it’s me? Me, Eoin, the mon, not the phony betrothed who you want to stay?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I mean,” Cairstine wept. “But I don’t think you want to be here. I think you regret ever laying eyes on me.”
“I don’t. Cairstine, I was aboot to do the one thing I swore I would never do. I was aboot to take advantage of you. You’ve said you don’t want to couple with a mon, and you’ve said you don’t want to marry. I was aboot to take that away from you. I’m ashamed. That’s what I meant by I’ll never do that again. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Hurt me? I’m more hurt you walked out.”
“But—”
“Eoin, I understood what was happening.”
“But do you understand that it will be much harder to break things off if we consummate what isn’t even a real handfast. I’d be making you my mistress, and I won’t do that.”
Cairstine pulled her lips in as she considered what to say next. It was obvious neither of them was ready to make a commitment when neither was certain how the other felt. She thought about what else Eoin said beyond repudiating the fake handfast.
“I understood what we were doing, Eoin. And I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t ready to run for the hills. I know you think you were forcing me—well—without forcing me, but you weren’t. You weren’t taking my choices from me. I thought you were giving them to me.”
Eoin ran his hand through his hair and scrubbed his face. He knew they were at a stalemate. He looked around the chamber, knowing it would be a struggle not to have a repeat of what just happened. They were attracted to one another and sharing a chamber would make it difficult to resist the pull. But he couldn’t avoid Cairstine without raising suspicion among her clan. He suspected Davina and Edward had separate chambers, so he considered following their lead, but then he recalled his belongings. A maid brought to Cairstine’s chamber the few belongings he had. If they only expected him to spend his wedding night in Cairstine’s chamber, they wouldn’t have moved his satchel from the chamber Davina assigned him.
“Cairrie, you were right when you said we can’t keep doing this. It’s too hard. There isn’t much choice but for me to share this chamber with you. I’ll remain on my side of the chamber, and I’ll give you privacy while you bathe.”
“And if I get stuck again?” Cairstine tried to lighten the mood.
“Have you done that before?”
“Well, no.”
“Then I shalln’t have to worry.” Eoin smiled for the first time since he returned to the chamber. “I’ll pleat my plaid while you dress, then we’ll go belowstairs. If we stay here much longer, people will talk. I don’t want anyone to say something rude to you. I don’t have the patience for it today.”
Cairstine nodded before grabbing her clothes and ducking behind the screen. Eoin spread his plaid on the bed and quickly pleated it before wrapping it around his waist and securing the extra length with the brooch he kept in his sporran at night.
* * *
Both breathed a silent breath of relief when they entered the Great Hall. They weren’t certain of the time, but there were few people in the gathering area. Those who were there were busy working.
“We still haven’t eaten,” Cairstine mused. “I feel badly leaving all that food in the chamber. I’ll gather some things from the kitchens and send servants to pack up what’s on the table abovestairs. We could picnic again. Unless you planned to go to the lists.”
“I’d prefer the picnic. I’m not interested in another run-in with Fingal quite yet. At some point soon, I need to send a missive to my father to bring him abreast of the situation.”
“Does he know?” Cairstine blinked rapidly.
“Aye, he does. He kens your father intended to ask him if he’d be interested in marrying you, and he kens that I’ve come to help you avoid being betrothed to someone else.”
