“Ma lady, ye ken ye shouldnae be out here at this time of night,” Bram whispered.
“I know, but I need your help. You know Father hasn’t relented on his search for a husband for me. Tonight, he suggested Laird Gordon. You must understand why I can’t do that.”
“Laird Gordon would be the best choice for ye. Lass, he would understand and never mistreat ye,” Bram reassured. Despite her position in the laird’s family, he’d called her “lass” since the very beginning, and she’d never outgrown it. It was often the only constant in a maelstrom of change.
“But he’s Eoin’s father. I can’t,” Cairstine pleaded.
“Ye may have little other choice. Ye would do well to accept Laird Gordon and count yerself lucky.”
“Nay. I cannot go to Huntly and see Eoin everyday only to bed his father every night.”
“The laird wouldnae expect that of ye if ye told him what happened.”
“Mayhap not, but I still can’t be there with Eoin and be another mon’s wife.”
“Do you love him?”
Cairstine nodded. She’d known while they traveled together that her feelings were more than mere infatuation or desire. The days apart from him had been agony, missing him constantly. No matter what possibility she imagined, her mind always railed against any outcome that didn’t include Eoin.
“I think I do. But he deserves a wife who can give him the family he desires. He deserves a wife who won’t force him into celibacy or into another woman’s arms. I know it’s selfish, but I couldn’t bear knowing that if I couldn’t couple with him, he would with someone else.”
“If ye canna have him, then nay one else should,” Bram articulated her exact feeling. She nodded as tears flooded down her cheeks.
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get past this? Eoin swore I wasn’t broken, but I am.”
“There’s naught wrong with ye, lass. But I think ye underestimate what the love of a good mon would do for ye. I saw how Eoin looked at ye. He feels more for ye than just high regard. The mon fell in love with ye too.”
“That makes it even worse. If he loves me, and I deny him, he’ll grow resentful. It’ll be even more painful.”
“Or ye might find ye can move on, that he might be the one to mend the wounds we canna see but ken are there.” Bram cleared his throat. “Lass, ye shared some intimacies with him, and ye didna run him through or run screaming into the hills.”
“I did, but he never pushed for more than what he knew I could manage. He knew my limits and accepted them. We just want different things in life. But he swore that he would come if I ever asked for his help. I asked him once before to pretend to be my betrothed long enough for Fenny to marry. He objected, fearing no woman would marry him if they believed he left me at the kirk steps or if I found something so unsavory that I wouldn’t marry him.”
Bram rubbed the back of his neck, recalling Eoin’s confession that he would marry her if only they shared the same dreams for the future. He suspected Eoin was the only man who could ever work past the wall Cairstine had built around her heart.
“What do ye need me to do, ma lady?” Bram asked the inevitable.
Cairstine held up her missive. “Father intends to write to Laird Gordon within the sennight. I need this letter to get to Eoin before that. Bram, you’re the only one I trust.”
“And how am I to explain ma disappearance for two days?”
“I don’t want you to have to lie for me, but no one can know the truth.” Cairstine felt hope slipping away.
“Did ye ken ma mother’s people are Grants? Mayhap she would like me to deliver her own message to ma aunts and uncles.”
“I don't know that I ever knew that, but it would be a reasonable explanation.”
“I don’t suppose this can wait till morn?”
Cairstine bit her lip as she looked toward the lowered portcullis. She knew they would raise it for Bram, but she feared risking his life, and that of his horse, by sending them out in the dark.
“It can,” Cairstine attempted to sound reassuring, but Bram’s sigh meant he knew she wasn’t convinced of her own words.
“Ye fear yer father will send that message sooner rather than later, and ye’d prefer I nae ride into the Grant keep with a companion.” Cairstine nodded and handed over the missive when Bram held out his hand. “Ma lady, I think this is a misguided idea, but I trust Eoin to protect ye any way he can. That’s the only reason I dare defy yer father. Ma loyalty will always be to the laird and the clan first, but I’ve kenned ye yer entire life, and this is the first time ye have ever asked for something solely for yerself. Ye’ve been an obedient daughter, and ye’ve borne a heavy weight to spare yer family. I dinna blame ye for yer fear or yer need to protect yerself now when ye werenae able to do it back then.”
“Thank you, Bram.” Cairstine glanced around before embracing the older guardsman. “I know you knew I wished as a wean that you were my da. I still do.” Cairstine pulled away before slipping out of the shadows and dashing back across the bailey.
Bram waited until he saw Cairstine enter the keep through the kitchen, then he waited what he figured was ten minutes before he headed to the stables and retrieved his horse. He tucked the folded parchment in his sporran and ordered the guards to open the gates for him. He ducked and rode out of the half-opened portcullis. He spurred his horse into a gallop, thankful that the road leading away from Freuchie was well worn. He would make good time before the terrain turned rough.
